You know what I’ve thinking for the past few days?

Well, I guess first you need to get a little background info. Well, lets just say I saw a sad “someone” from across the cafeteria. He was so sad. He just looked at his shoes, and his brown eyes wandered around the room, like he was scared of something. I could tell he was thinking. Every once in a while he’d put down his head in his hands. He’d look at random people and you’d tell he wanted to cry. I was the first one to notice anything. When we were walking to lunch, I realized he was walking by himself, and his hands were buried in his pockets, and he stared at the ground. He’s never alone; I’ve never seen a moment when he was alone. I knew something was up. And then at lunch, I just look at him occasionally, and I realize what a sad day it is. The windows are open, and the wind (which is uncommon where I live) was like something you’d find in
Chicago. The sun wasn’t out and it was somewhat cold, but I didn’t have a jacket. There was a thick fog over the school, and the day felt dream-like. But I look at him, and it got me like a disease. I was so upset, I started to tear up a little. “Chloe’,” one of my friends finally said. “Chloe’, why are you crying? What’s wrong?” I wiped at my eyes and said: “Every good actress can cry on demand,” They looked at me for a moment more and went back to talking. I put my head to my hands and looked at this “5” that hung over one of the cafeteria exits. It seemed like such an awful number. I felt really sick, and everything went kind of dull, and I just saw that number, and I felt very sick, like I wanted to throw up and sleep for a very long time. And then I looked at the sad guy and he was pretending to laugh with his friends. I could tell it was forced. So I looked to my friends and they were all laughing at some joke I hadn’t heard. I look back and forth between them and the sad boy a table in front of me. I realized what little compassion people have for one another. How could one person be so happy, when one person could be so sad? I looked back at that number 5 and I had to rest my head on the table because my head was spinning. The funny part, no one noticed. I felt so sick. And they were all still laughing at that joke. It was like one of those nightmares people have when you’re an inch tall and everyone’s towering over you and laughing, but you don’t know what they’re laughing at. And then my head started hurting. It killed me knowing someone was unhappy, yet everyone else cared very little. And then I got up and left, I couldn’t take it anymore. Deven caught up with me, and I saw that the sad one, that never walks alone, was walking by himself again. I wished I would have left a few minutes earlier so I wouldn’t have had to see him again. Finally,
Tyler realized something was wrong. Followed by Celeste. Paul was short after. But as soon as they realized the problem, they did little afterwards. Like they didn’t want to get their hands messy, trying to figure something out. I put my knees to my chest and started crying. I hid my face from the class and cried for a few minutes just thinking that somewhere, someone is sad, someone has died, someone was crying. The world will never be a perfectly happy place and it hit me kind of hard. I kept looking over at the sad boy all during class, and he never looked up. He whispered silently to himself, and I saw him writing. It killed me.

I wrote a poem, one of my saddest in a long time. I would post it up here, but I don’t want to reread it because all of the thoughts I was having will come back, and I don’t want them to come back.

There is a new guy I really like. To spare you the confusion we will name him Pumpkin. I’d never thought I’d like a guy like him.

I mean no kidding, I hated him last year,  would’ve tossed him off a cliff if I had the chance. But he’s changed a lot. He really has.

I talk about him enough to fill a 6 foot deep hole. (to my friends anyways)

He talks to me too. Usually at lunch and 3rd hour. But a lot in 6th hour. Sometimes we talk about stupid stuff like our hair or candycanes, or turtles or Evan. Sometimes we talk about really serious stuff. We both hate fake people. That’s our one similar trait. We talk about phonies all the time, we talk about people we think our real. Sometimes we even talk about people we like or our family. Sometimes he acts like he cares about me, and other times he’s like Chloe, why don’t you go jump off a bridge (not out loud but I can tell he’s thinking it)

On a day to day basis he asks me if his hair is okay. Sometimes I say yes (if it is) and sometimes I say no(if it isn’t) If I say no, he’ll either a) shake it out b) pull out his can of hairspray he carries with him or (my favorite) c) ask me to fix it. He knows I am a hair expert and I really do appreciate that he trusts his sacred hair to me.

At lunch, sometimes he will sit next to me, sometimes we will spend the whole 25 minutes talking about fake people. I mean it bothers the hell out of both of us. After lunch, sometimes he will walk with me and Deven and Joren, sometimes when Deven and Joren pull ahead to be alone, he will walk with me (this is on very rare occasion). When we get to our lockers, sometimes he will wait at mine and talk to me, sometimes I will wait at his and talk to him. Sometimes before class starts he sits behind me and drinks my vitamin water and we talk some more. We do that alot. Sometimes during class I will look over at him and see he is looking at me and he mouths “Hi” and I roll my eyes.

Once, we got partnered up for a few days in 3rd hour. Just me and him. We talked a LOT then. He sat across from me. I had my legs spread out kind of in a V shape (but not in a gross way or anything) and he put up his feet on my chair between my legs. It felt kind of weird but good too. We sat like that for about 10 minutes, before I pushed his feet down. He didn’t protest either.

He knows me by first name which is a lot more than most people can say. He actually announced to the world in 6th hour that we were friends, which really caught people off guard because it was kind of random. We were outside working in the garden, and he was like “Chloe, hey, Chloe” from a few feet away. I looked at him and he said, “We’re friends right?” And I was so suprised I could only nod my head.

He sits with me nearly every day in Science, sometimes to copy my answers, other times because the girl who sits next to him is annoying him or he wants to talk. So many reasons.

Once, I gave him a sip out of my Coke and he said “I love you,” Dude, I could’ve died right then and there. Then in Science, he was sitting behind me, and he pokes me with his pencil. Then he says “We’re best friends right?” And I’m like “Uh, I guess,” then he reaches out to give me a high 5. I expected him to phyce me out but what was I supposed to do. So I gave him a High 5 but he didn’t phyce me out. He’s a random little boy.

I mean honestly, I don’t like him because he’s hot (I won’t try to deny it, and say he’s not hot but I still like him. I mean, he’s really hot. I’m kind of stupid for liking someone so good-looking) I think he’s really smart, and we could have a good intellectual conversation. And he’s funny and I really appreciate how true to himself he is. And plus, even though he is so goolooking it’s not like he goes out wih every girl he can. He has maybe 2-4 girlfriends a year. And that doesn’t seem so crazy to me really.

He’s the kind of guy I can imagine myself marrying some day. I can’t really see him going out with me, becaus elike I said he is very good looking. Maybe if I was prettier, or more popular or something. Maybe in another world, or maybe in this world if everyone went out with people because of personalities instead of looks he’d go out with me. We really do have matching personalities. Too bad he’d never go out with me. And just when I think I have a chance with him, I think about what people would say to him. It wouldn’t last long. Not at all. It really wouldn’t

I went out with my friends yesterday and we got our nails done and then we went to Blondies (this resteraunt where I live) And I just kept talking about him (Pumpkin) Courtney doesn’t know I like him. God, I thought she’d figure it out by now. I was with Cristina and Celeste(who know I like him), and Caroline and Courtney (who don’t know). And Courtney actually said: “You know, you really are like a female Pumpkin. I hear you guys talking and it just kills me how alike you guys are” I really took that to heart. Maybe one day when we’re old and looks don’t matter anymore we’ll get married. Haha. If that happened, it’d really kill me. It really would just kill me.

I’ve dedicated the song “Chemistry of a Car Crash” to him. Everytime I hear it I think of Pumpkin. Maybe because of that one line: “You are the rights I’ll never known”. That’s actually one of his  favorite bands. We have similar music taste. He also like Underoath which is definitely in my top 10. (1. The Killers, 2. Shiny Toy Guns, 3. Fall Out Boy (classic), 4. Panic! At the Disco, 5. The Academy Is…, 6. Paramore, 7. Hellogoodbye, 8. Underoath, 9. Taking Back Sunday, 10. The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus are my top ten actually)

I’m a big believer in karma so I’ll end it at if it’s meant to be it will be.

I can see I’m boring you to tears. Later, Chloe’ out.

If someone could make a diagram of my heart, probably about half would be donated to my best friends. They keep my insanity. Each one has their own trait that makes me feel good.

Cristina makes me feel good, maybe because she listens to me. Sometimes I feel like nobody’s ever listening to me. I feel like i talk but no one can hear me, and the few that can just don’t care enough  to say/do anything.

Courtney makes me feel good because she can relate to me. Because we have so much in common, she really knows how to give good advice.

Alex makes me feel good because she laughs at me (sometimes in the good way, sometimes in the bad way). Sometimes she gives me those weird “What the heck” looks that only /she/ can give, but she always laughs when I make a funny, which makes me feel special because i feel like my purpose in life is to make people happy. 

Ari makes me feel good, because he keeps life interesting. Just um /interesting/

Tyler makes me feel good because he always makes me laugh. And he makes me feel loved. Even though sometimes he makes me feel horrible about myself, unintentionally /generally/

Nick makes me feel good (you’re probably wondering why i mention him) because he gives me something to look forward to. I don’t know why, but i like seeing him in class. he makes me smile for some reason, unbeknowst to me.

Celeste makes me feel good because she acts like she cares. A lot of people don’t love me enough to even act like they care.

Deven may ignore me to isolation sometimes because of Joren, but she really makes me smile.

John, doesn’t know who I am, but he makes me feel good, becaus ehe is so cute and he gives me someone to /impress/ every day

I have a lot of other friends, but those are the one that impact my life most on a day-to-day basis.

Then my family and my random crushes are squeezed into the other half.

I can tell by the look on your face that you are fascinated

I’m so stupid for liking a guy like “him”. I mean he’s into cheerleaders. :/

My friends say it’s totally naturally. He has that “attainable” statues, like if I really tried I could probably get him. And he really is decently cute. He has the most gorgeous silver-brown eyes. It’s too dangerous to release his name on the internet. What a disaster /that/ could turn into. He was being so sweet today. We made a lot of eye contact and he went to leave the classroom, and he /looked back at me/ and smiled. *dreamy*

He’s so funny too. I’ve liked him for a few weeks now, just never really got around to blogging about him. Too much Ari drama. Oh, and much to contrary belief, “he” is not Ari.

Now he’s confusing for you. I mean REALLY comfusing. He’ll smile at me and talk and flirt his brains out, but then the next day he’ll ignore me till I want to go cry in a corner somewhere. Today we looked at each other. I mean just /looked/ at each other, square in the eye for at least a mintue. I mean that’s a whole 60 seconds. SIXTY SECONDS! And I look at Celeste and she smiles because she knows I like him, and I had just cried to her hopelessly a few minutes before saying /oh I don’t know if he likes me/ and /oh why doesn’t he ask me out?/ and /we’d look so cute together/. Sometimes it feels good to just shoot the poop (I got that from ‘The Catcher in The Rye’) with good ol’ Celeste sometimes. Because most of the time she just nods along and listens. Well maybe she’s not really listening. Maybe she’s wondering why the smoothies at lunch are so expensive or why that cloud passing by looks like a kitten. But at least she pretends to listen. And if she wants to laugh, she holds it in for at least a minute. Which I really appreciate anyways.