I’m in love with to-day. It was my mom’s birthday, and my grandparents, Toni (our neighbor), and Hunter and Danny came over. Danny just got his permit so he was acting like a total bad ass as he pulled into my driveway around 1:30. I introduced them to my family and we went in and out of my room. Man, we, as friends, hit all the bases. We laughed a lot, we joked around; but we also got serious; we got emotional; Hunter started crying at one point. I could go into perfect de-tail of the six or so hours we spent to-gether, but I don’t think it’d read like much. We learned a lot about each other and I’m be-ginning to consider Hunter one of my best friends. When Danny was in my closet trying on a pair of pants he gave me back in grade 7, Hunter and I had a very serious talk. I didn’t really expect it, but he brought it up, like it’d been bothering him for a while. He asked me about one day about a week ago when I felt really sick, and my body wouldn’t stop shaking. I finally told him what had gone down, and he was totally serious with me about it, more than any of my other friends and expressed his concern. His exact words were: “You seriously had the shit scared out of me. I couldn’t stop thinking about it.” It’s kind of funny, be-cause he comes across as this sarcastic, smart-aleck kind-of kid, but when you get to know him, he’s like this super sensitive, emotional, compassionate guy. It was really cool getting the opportunity to hang out with him. And, as usual, it was amazing to see Danny who I love to pieces. :]

I think I might even go to Caroline’s house to-morrow to hang with her and Scruggs. My social life seems to be taking a very favourable turn; my parents are letting me do a lot more. I think I might make plans to hang out with Danny, Hunter and Emily (Hunter’s girlfriend) next Friday. I really want to meet Emily be-cause I think it’d be really cool if the four of us could hang out all of the time, and from what Hunter tells me, she’s a great girl!

Overall, to-day was just really nice, and I could use more days like this one.

I find myself caring less and less the more days that go by. It’s a sad turn of events, but in all honesty, one I be-lieve that had to occur. But, hey, I’ve come to realize lately, the people I thought would’ve left me long ago haven’t, and the ones I thought would be with me until the end aren’t… Goes to show how crappy my intuition is. However, my mind, unfortunately still wanders to that dark place in my brain sectioned off as “CROW” (yeah, he’s got his own fricking de-partment now, what do ya know?!). I was never good at that “getting over it and moving on” thing, but I think I’m making substantial progress. No, that’s a lie, I still can’t forget about him, but I just don’t express the feelings of regret and guilt I feel as openly. Hurrah for all the introverts out there.

In the friends aspect of life, things actually aren’t bad. I’ve still got Katy, which is a blessing. I don’t even care if she’s enthralled in her own life all of the time; as long as she takes me along for the ride (and hopefully lets me ride shotgun) it’s all good. Unfortunately, things could be better be-tween me and Danny / Butter (yeah, yeah, I said it). We were really close over the summer but now I feel like I’m sort of losing the bond I once had with him… Things are fantastic with Brie and I actually, which is both surprising and re-freshing. It seems like the only friend-esque moments I have with her are when we’re both crying our eyes out, but lately we’ve been having a great time, laughing a lot and sharing a lot of sweet moments. Things are just as they always are with Spencer, and, God, I wouldn’t change a thing about it. I love the relationship I have with him. Justin’s been helping me sort through some stuff lately which I also appreciate. So, well, if this whole Crow thing has taught me anything (be-sides not being so giving with my heart in the future), it’s which of my friends I can trust and rely on. In addition to the Power Five, I’ve been spending a lot more time lately with Caroline which is so great be-cause we always get along and she’s a great listener. And, well, the best and worst part of all of this is Lauren… I’ve really missed having her in my life, and it didn’t really seem like she wanted me in it either most of last year. But now, she’s putting an effort into it, which isn’t expected of her. But, I like it. She’s like my sister after all, and we can always find common ground. Sometimes it’s kind of nice to be with someone who knows everything about you without having to have anything explained to them. I really want to make our friendship work this time (again; I know I’ve said that be-fore) but this whole Crow thing has me walking on egg shells. I thought him and I were going somewhere, and we were, just, ya know, turns out it was a dead end. I really don’t want to go through it again. I can’t re-member ever hurting about something this badly for so long.

And you know what they say:

“Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.”

Hey, I haven’t been blogging much, mostly because lately I’ve been keeping a diary (well, mostly because boy mentioned below, who I will call Diamond [majorly because he wants a nifty nickname and I’m looking at a tree right now which reminds me of Green which reminds me of the book Green Angel, which remind me of Diamond…]) And like I’ve said before, I can never really keep both a blog and a diary going at the same time, and no one’s really commented on my last few posts anyways but I’ll do my best to fill you in.

 Well, starting with Diamond, I haven’t talked to him a whole lot, only occasionally and on a strict “friend” basis. Which is sort of poo, because he added a little excitment to my evenings.

Moving on, Lauren (my best friend everrrrrrrrrr)’s birthday is today. We’re celebrating it tomorrow, by going to the mall. Her mom works right next to the mall, so she’s going to drop us off, come by on lunch break to eat with us and then leave again for work. It will be really fun. :]

Today is a little exciting and a little dissappointing. But before I can go into it, I must tell you about my latest object of affection. I think I’ve mentioned him once or twice, so I might as well nickname him Tadpole (:D) Well, Tadpole is pretty funny, actually he’s really funny, and he’s a musical genious. Blue eyes, curly brown hair, skinny and decently cute. Well, I told him he could come over today to fix my drumset (like I said, he’s a music guru, and my hi-hat’s broken, so he said he’d come over, fix it, and go ahead and tune it). But he agreed, and I sent him the details via email. Of course, right after, he began to pretend to be mad at me, which got me a little mad, because now I have to wait another week to get my drums fixed. >:[. So he’s a no-show, demonstrating the dissappointed air of this blog. However, we do have company over (my grandparents and my dad’s best friend John) so my mom made lots of good food and stuff. I’ve sort of thrown myself in here though. It’s funny, my mom said Lauren could come over but I put a good amount of faith in Tadpole. Oh well. It’s just a little awkward when it’s one kid and five 50+ adults. But I do like Tadpole, actually a great deal. He’s funny, random, musical, sweet and just overall fun to be around.

But then there’s Pumpkin. I slap myself on the wrist for still liking him, but I can’t really get over it. Him and his girlfriend broke up, but I don’t have any classes with him, so it’s hard to find an excuse to talk to him. I’m going ask Tyler if he wants to hang out with me and Deven (or someone) and ask Pumpkin if he would like to tag along. I just miss talking to him. A lot. And it hurts a lot, because I know it’s only wishful thinking. But, and anyone, even those who don’t support it, can back me up on this. Me and Pumpkin do in fact have a lot in common. The way we act, the way we present ourselves, our music, our attitude, or perspective on life. But Caroline said it first, Maybe we have too much in common? So that it could possibly become a chore? I’m not sure about that.

I’m not sure what else to talk about, but a whole lot has happened since the last time I blogged. I’ll try to blog at least once a week now, but no promises.

<3

Where did all these guys come from? Last year I was having a dry spell of boys, maybe because I was so in love with Pumpkin I really didn’t open my heart to anyone else…

But now that I don’t see Pumpkin much anymore, it’s like the guys are just coming in.

First we have my closest guy friend Butter (hehe, remember him). I was pretty sure he liked my best, Lauren (guys usually do) until I realized while he was giving me a piggy-back ride, he looked up at me with those unmistakable kiss me eyes. I immediately jumped off because it scared me and then later while I was talking to my friend Maggie she said this girl (who is in love with Butter) said she was jealous of me because she was so convinced Butter liked me. It made my heart do that awkward bu-bump. I was just like, wait, I thought he liked Lauren. Don’t all guys like Lauren? And then I realized, he does wait an outrageously long time for me at my locker and goes out of his way so he can see me between classes, and today when we were at the bus loop, he hugged me a little closer and a little longer, and held my hands like he’d never let go. And I got scared and left. Maybe he’s just being nice because I can’t remember the last time a cute guy liked me.

But that’s no the end of it. I was on the bus, and my bud Jon mentioned how he thought our friend Kyle liked me. My heart did that bu-bump thing again. And I just said: “Huh? No I don’t think so…” but Jon seemed pretty convinced.

And then there’s one of my ex’s from last year who flat out told me he wanted a second chance with me and how he thought I was cute and smart and different than everyone else but he just liked my friend a few weeks ago so I don’t take him very seriously.

And there’s another one in my 3^rd hour. I can’t honestly tell if he likes me or not (I don’t think so) but, I just think he’s sort of cute. And he’s on my possible crush-material list. He flirts with me a little and mentions when he thinks I look cute. He does me little favors here and there, and is always totally sweet. We talk about a lot of different things and we totally click. But I super, majorly, doubt he likes me.

And suddenly there are four of them.

And there are actually about four more guys plus that who have been flirting with me lately.

Crazy? Is it my new mascara? Am I just imagining it?

And I really am trying super hard to get over Pumpkin, but I’ve always been slow with that. But lately I’ve found myself missing him less and less. I still think he’s brilliant and good company, but I’m wondering if he’s worth it. I’ll leave it to fate. A little serendipity never hurt anyone?

And overall today was good. During second hour, me and Caroline were sitting alone in a classroom, barefoot, drinking coke and we got bored and it started raining very hard. So we ran outside and played tag in the pouring ran, screaming, jumping in puddles and running around all the outside portable. It was really fun and we were thoroughly drenched when we got to 3^rd hour. I got a 96 on my History test and my history teacher told me how he thought I was genius, and how proud he was of me and that I’d accomplished so much and that my creativity and insight was beyond my years… And I thought that was a pretty nice thing to say. Also the results of the school election came n today, and I won the much-coveted “Secretary” position I was campaigning for. Amazing. I also have plans for the weekend. I’ll probably be hanging with Deven and possibly Lauren. Such a nice change of pace.

But life has been different and good. 8^th grade is not as magical as 7^th grade, but it’s better than it originally appeared to be.

 Isn’t that weird? I didn’t realize until I posted this, that I’ve been blogging like clockwork (every Friday) hmm, my body is so routine (told you I hate change) I won’t be able to blog as much when school starts but I’ll do my darndest. :]

So I went and got my schedule today (mannn, school starts monday :D)

 1 History

2 Student Aide

3 Band (:P)

4 Language Arts

5 Geometry

6 Science

 It’s so different. I really hate change…and I’m scared. What if I don’t have any classes with my friends? I know I don’t have any with Deven or Alyssa. Lauren hasn’t said yet. Thank God I have 2 classes with Courtney (I think I get to Student-Aide with her (fun fun fun)), and I have Geometry with Cristina (that means we’ll probably be sitting next to eachother because our last names are so close. :]) What if I don’t have any with Pumpkin? Or Lauren? Or Tyler? Or Caroline? (The list is endless) I saw Pumpkin today… He was with one of my friends. They were kind of across the courtyard. So my friend, being lazy, called out my name and waved (he didn’t look real happy to see me) After I waved back, Pumpkin decided he’d wave to me too. It sounds so sincere, but it made my heart go bu-bump. I haven’t seen him in about 3 months and I was wondering if all the magic would come back when I saw him. It’s too early to tell now…

I was just wondering. Which do you think would be a worst situation? (A little random) having a dad who you knew never loved you, or losing a father who you knew loved you very much? I think having a dad who didn’t love you would be absolutely terrible. Me and my dad are very close, and I can’t imagine losing him. But it would be worse if he lived forever and we hated eachother. Just a thought.

hmm, i actually had a decent weekend.

Yesterday (Sunday) around 5 or so, i got a mysterious call telling me to ‘Go Outside’, so I did, and there they were. Caroline and Collin sitting on the road in front of my house. So we got some sodas and popcorn and went out into my backyard to the picnic table. We named this one squirrel Courtney because whenever we said her name it’s peak its nose around the corner. :] then I went back with them to the big yellow mansion where some friends of a friend was having a party. I told Caroline I wanted to show her the neighborhood (the best I could do in 30 minutes.) so we went down to [insert street name here] and I told her that #97 on my list of things to do before I turn 18 was to roll around in the fields of [insert street name here] so we ound a field, and rolled. :] me and caroline talked for a good amount of time. There’s something about her that makes me just want to tell her everything. She’s a great listener to. <3 we went back to the mansion and I said hi to Caroline’s mom and we split a cupcake. We were starting to walk home when my dad passed by so i hopped in the back of his truck.

today me and my mom went to the mall. I got 6 pairs of panties (5 Jenny’s and 1 DKNY), a pair of Jeans (0 short in American Rags (my fav!)) and a new Roxy top. We actually saved a lot of money. :]

well, i guess it wasn’t that fantastic, but it was entertaining enough. ^-^

I feel icky. It has not been a very good week… there isn’t exactly anything specific to complain about actually… but it’s just a lot of little things that are starting to make me feel like “Gee, will this nightmare ever end?”

1. I just found out my parents took a few thousand dollars from my college fund to pay off some bills.

2. Right now my dad’s having this super migraine-attack and he can’t move and he’s laying on the couch about to throw up, and it’s freaking me out, because it came on really fast, and he couldn’t even move from his car, he had to call me on his cell to help him up the drive way.

3. Now that Ari’s single… he’s being all BFF-ey with me, and as much as I missed him, it’s not like I can just be like: “Gee, you ditched me for 6 months, but now that its convienet for you, lets be best friends!” -__- He made me sit in his lap today at this assembly thing, and it was really awkward, because then his ex (one of my best friends) just walks up, and it was amazingly weird for me…

4. Pumpkin is confusing me. Some days I’m like, god, I think I may have a chance with him, and the next he does something that toally makes me think other wise. it kind of saddens me

5. -i’ve censored this- not like anyone reads my blog /anyways/ but, i don’t know, i think if she did ever read this it would hurt some major feelings.

6. It seems like I’m invisible. I’ll say something and then the two other people will just talk over me. It make sme feel insuperior, like I’m unimportant.

7. I never have any fun. Ever. I’m sitting here alone, on a Friday night writing this long list of complaints. So sad.

8. I feel like I’m constantly complaining, and that I’m bothering every one. And that I am so freakishly selfish.

9. I got more work done o nmy teeth and I haven’t really eaten anything good and filling since yersterday morning. I don’t eat lunch at school usually, and the day after i got the work done, i was too sore to eat dinner, the next day (today) i still wasn’t well enough to eat anything and same goes for lunch. I had some icecream at the end of school, and some yogurt when i got home. But I’m still pretty starved, but my mouth is killing me!

Well, there is one thing to smile about. Pumpkin’s been talking to me a lot more. And I’ve noticed a pattern. When we’re alone he’s always super sweet and nice. When there’s someone else there, he’s like a totally different person. Sweet, sweet kid, but when Courtney or Deven or anyone to be perfectly honest walks into the picture, it’s just like BAM! he tries extra hard to be different. I don’t like this side of him! He’s so much nicer when we’re alone! It’s just like, he’s putting on this show… it’s so sad… hmm, yet ANOTHER thing to be sad about.

well, I guess they’re are a lot mroe things to be sad about than to be happy about. You’ve got war and poverty and world hunger, and people can just go to school and laugh it off cause some kidd’s fly’s down (didn’t actually happen mind you)! It seems so unimportant! We could have it so worse. We could be sold as sex slaves, or dieing of cancer. I mean, and then we can just go and smile and say “Well, I really like this boy…” I don’t understand, don’t understand.

And then I feel guilty when I look at my drum fund (up to about $90 now) and think, gee, that could really help someone, and I think, I don’t need a drumset! This could go and buy food for the hungry, yet I have second thoughts about giving the money to charity? God am I so selfish! I’m going to let my greed take me over, and get soemthing I want over something I need. That’s why I decided to do a charitable fundraiser, and giving $20 of my drum fund. But I still feel like I’m not giving enough. I take so much more than I give.

I can go to the mall, and buy 4 pairs of jeans, when that money could’ve aided a crisis victim! AH! I am so selfish, I feel absolutely horrible that I don’t give enough.

I mean, I don’t need those 4 jeans, I really don’t even need 1 pair, if I just have a pair of shorts. And then that $100 or so, could’ve helped someone so much! ;-; it’s so sad!

so, overall, I haven’t been in a very good mood. Excuse my sharp tongue and negative-energy.

I’m not sure where to start…

Yesterday I went to Courtney’s house, we looked up random myspaces and videos as Kevin played Wii Tennis with Courtney’s mom. Then we played some DDR. (I still like ITG better) We looked up some music and played guitar hero. I showed her pictures of my Uncle Paul and told Uncle Paul (who is Tyler fast-forward 30 years) funnies and stories. Then we went to Blondies with Caroline and Allison (Taylor was there too) and we met this cool dude (Phillipe) from Brazile. I’m not kidding, he was like an exotic handbag, born in Scotland, raised in Brazile, and he’s visited places like Korea and Japan, and get this, he’s our age. I liked him though. And then there was this drunk guy that kept talking to us  and then he kept hitting on our waitress. Me and Collin got married, and he swares he will be my Prom Date. Overall, I had a very nice time.

Today I read the new issue of Seventeen and worked on my Science Project (toothpick bridge) and then my neighbor started up his boat and this big puff of smoke slowly trailed into the patio where I was reading. “GEEZ! POSIONING OUR YOUTH HERE!” I screamed at him. I’m not sure if he heard me or not, but he just kept polluting the atmosphere.

There is a new guy I really like. To spare you the confusion we will name him Pumpkin. I’d never thought I’d like a guy like him.

I mean no kidding, I hated him last year,  would’ve tossed him off a cliff if I had the chance. But he’s changed a lot. He really has.

I talk about him enough to fill a 6 foot deep hole. (to my friends anyways)

He talks to me too. Usually at lunch and 3rd hour. But a lot in 6th hour. Sometimes we talk about stupid stuff like our hair or candycanes, or turtles or Evan. Sometimes we talk about really serious stuff. We both hate fake people. That’s our one similar trait. We talk about phonies all the time, we talk about people we think our real. Sometimes we even talk about people we like or our family. Sometimes he acts like he cares about me, and other times he’s like Chloe, why don’t you go jump off a bridge (not out loud but I can tell he’s thinking it)

On a day to day basis he asks me if his hair is okay. Sometimes I say yes (if it is) and sometimes I say no(if it isn’t) If I say no, he’ll either a) shake it out b) pull out his can of hairspray he carries with him or (my favorite) c) ask me to fix it. He knows I am a hair expert and I really do appreciate that he trusts his sacred hair to me.

At lunch, sometimes he will sit next to me, sometimes we will spend the whole 25 minutes talking about fake people. I mean it bothers the hell out of both of us. After lunch, sometimes he will walk with me and Deven and Joren, sometimes when Deven and Joren pull ahead to be alone, he will walk with me (this is on very rare occasion). When we get to our lockers, sometimes he will wait at mine and talk to me, sometimes I will wait at his and talk to him. Sometimes before class starts he sits behind me and drinks my vitamin water and we talk some more. We do that alot. Sometimes during class I will look over at him and see he is looking at me and he mouths “Hi” and I roll my eyes.

Once, we got partnered up for a few days in 3rd hour. Just me and him. We talked a LOT then. He sat across from me. I had my legs spread out kind of in a V shape (but not in a gross way or anything) and he put up his feet on my chair between my legs. It felt kind of weird but good too. We sat like that for about 10 minutes, before I pushed his feet down. He didn’t protest either.

He knows me by first name which is a lot more than most people can say. He actually announced to the world in 6th hour that we were friends, which really caught people off guard because it was kind of random. We were outside working in the garden, and he was like “Chloe, hey, Chloe” from a few feet away. I looked at him and he said, “We’re friends right?” And I was so suprised I could only nod my head.

He sits with me nearly every day in Science, sometimes to copy my answers, other times because the girl who sits next to him is annoying him or he wants to talk. So many reasons.

Once, I gave him a sip out of my Coke and he said “I love you,” Dude, I could’ve died right then and there. Then in Science, he was sitting behind me, and he pokes me with his pencil. Then he says “We’re best friends right?” And I’m like “Uh, I guess,” then he reaches out to give me a high 5. I expected him to phyce me out but what was I supposed to do. So I gave him a High 5 but he didn’t phyce me out. He’s a random little boy.

I mean honestly, I don’t like him because he’s hot (I won’t try to deny it, and say he’s not hot but I still like him. I mean, he’s really hot. I’m kind of stupid for liking someone so good-looking) I think he’s really smart, and we could have a good intellectual conversation. And he’s funny and I really appreciate how true to himself he is. And plus, even though he is so goolooking it’s not like he goes out wih every girl he can. He has maybe 2-4 girlfriends a year. And that doesn’t seem so crazy to me really.

He’s the kind of guy I can imagine myself marrying some day. I can’t really see him going out with me, becaus elike I said he is very good looking. Maybe if I was prettier, or more popular or something. Maybe in another world, or maybe in this world if everyone went out with people because of personalities instead of looks he’d go out with me. We really do have matching personalities. Too bad he’d never go out with me. And just when I think I have a chance with him, I think about what people would say to him. It wouldn’t last long. Not at all. It really wouldn’t

I went out with my friends yesterday and we got our nails done and then we went to Blondies (this resteraunt where I live) And I just kept talking about him (Pumpkin) Courtney doesn’t know I like him. God, I thought she’d figure it out by now. I was with Cristina and Celeste(who know I like him), and Caroline and Courtney (who don’t know). And Courtney actually said: “You know, you really are like a female Pumpkin. I hear you guys talking and it just kills me how alike you guys are” I really took that to heart. Maybe one day when we’re old and looks don’t matter anymore we’ll get married. Haha. If that happened, it’d really kill me. It really would just kill me.

I’ve dedicated the song “Chemistry of a Car Crash” to him. Everytime I hear it I think of Pumpkin. Maybe because of that one line: “You are the rights I’ll never known”. That’s actually one of his  favorite bands. We have similar music taste. He also like Underoath which is definitely in my top 10. (1. The Killers, 2. Shiny Toy Guns, 3. Fall Out Boy (classic), 4. Panic! At the Disco, 5. The Academy Is…, 6. Paramore, 7. Hellogoodbye, 8. Underoath, 9. Taking Back Sunday, 10. The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus are my top ten actually)

I’m a big believer in karma so I’ll end it at if it’s meant to be it will be.

I can see I’m boring you to tears. Later, Chloe’ out.