It sort of just sunk in at lunch to-day. Holy shit. To-morrow I start high school. This summer felt infinite and endless, like God would put it on loop or something. And I keep imagining I’m going to stay up late watching cheesy game shows, and wake up at exactly 6:45 with no definite plans for the day. Where I can wander be-tween my piano and guitar and go on spontaneous bike rides to nowhere. This summer was weird as anything, sure, that’s a given, but it was insightful. I learned a lot. I think I grew up a little bit too. Which isn’t necessarily a bad or good thing. I’m still really young, so it wasn’t any mandatory “coming-of-age” or whatever, and yeah, I’ve still got a hell of a lot to learn.

But, hey, I got a head start. :]

Well, I know my schedule, and I’m going to tell you now, it’s be-yond perfect:

1.       Pre-AP biology

2.       Pre-AP English

3.       Gym

4.       Algebra II

5.       World Cultures Honours

6.       AP Environmental Sciences

7.       Creative Writing

I really think I’ll get a kick out of the creative writing class. Be-cause I love writing, sure, but also be-cause I’m so curious to the sort of people I’ll meet. I’m hoping they’re passionate people, like me, but I have a feeling the class will be composed of two sorts of people. 1. The kind who took it as a cheese class for an easy A to raise their GPA. And 2. The kind who thinks it gives them scene kudos or indie points. :O Like, I’m terrified I’m going to walk in and everyone will be wearing all black with eyeliner running down their face writing poetry about how much life sucks.

Be-sides that, everything seems as though it’ll work out pretty rad. All of my close friends (Katy, Danny, Justin, Brie and Spencer) are all going there. And basically all of my other friends excusing those younger than me, Ari and Lamb are all along for the journey. :] Unfortunately, I don’t have any classes with my bestie Katy, and I probably won’t with Danny, Justin or Brie, but I have a good feeling I’ll have at least one with Spencey. :]

Haha, we’ll see. :3

when i have nothing overly interesting to write about, i write about my dreams. this post is no different. i haven’t blogged in a while, and ive had some pretty incredible dreams since when…

a while ago: I was at a McDonalds with my mom and dad and it was weird, because nearly EVERYONE from school was there. The three i really remember though were Him (remember my grade 7 crush from way back when?) Nick E. (aww) and Matt ( a kid from my 4th hour). Me and Nick (not to be confused with nick patterson) always used to act like we hated eachother, but i dont think we honestly did. he was a funny, sweet guy, and he became a pretty good friend. in my dream, he came up to me, talked for a little and then hugged me. then matt came up to me and said my mom was aying horrible things about everyone.

a few days ago: I was in the cafeteria, and i looed across the table to see crystal. i waved. she was sitting with this girl Becca who used to be in my lunch. she came up and started talking to me. “Hey, i read your profile,” then, next thing i knew, we were acting like best friends. we were running around and i said: “Becca, you’re so fun to be around, youre so happy and cheerful.” she replied: “and what you’re depressed?” “No, i think im pretty normal,” then i have to blow my nose, so i go into the bathroom, after i throw the tissue away, i realize there is a jar of peanut butter in my hand. i suddenly realize i cannot let it drop no matter what. suddenly, deven and a bunch of other people, come out of the office in a cha-cha line. me and becca join the cha-cha line. someone bumps into me and the PB jar goes flying. I dont see where it lands and suddenly i dont care. then me and deven begin to open this door that says “Oregon” on it with a little doplphin. then i wake up. :p

yesterday: i was in the mall when i realized i was being chased by three people. when i ran out of a store, i saw ari, lauren and butter all hanging out. i told them i was being chased but butter and lauren went on talking like it didnt matter. ari’s eyes opened up really big and when i turned a corner,  i realized he was following me, like he was looking out for me.

last night: i was in the mall with courtney and we were eating cookies when i heard someone talking about me. it was this girl who goes to my school. some of the people she was talking to stood up for me, others didnt care.

analyzation anyone??

I feel icky. It has not been a very good week… there isn’t exactly anything specific to complain about actually… but it’s just a lot of little things that are starting to make me feel like “Gee, will this nightmare ever end?”

1. I just found out my parents took a few thousand dollars from my college fund to pay off some bills.

2. Right now my dad’s having this super migraine-attack and he can’t move and he’s laying on the couch about to throw up, and it’s freaking me out, because it came on really fast, and he couldn’t even move from his car, he had to call me on his cell to help him up the drive way.

3. Now that Ari’s single… he’s being all BFF-ey with me, and as much as I missed him, it’s not like I can just be like: “Gee, you ditched me for 6 months, but now that its convienet for you, lets be best friends!” -__- He made me sit in his lap today at this assembly thing, and it was really awkward, because then his ex (one of my best friends) just walks up, and it was amazingly weird for me…

4. Pumpkin is confusing me. Some days I’m like, god, I think I may have a chance with him, and the next he does something that toally makes me think other wise. it kind of saddens me

5. -i’ve censored this- not like anyone reads my blog /anyways/ but, i don’t know, i think if she did ever read this it would hurt some major feelings.

6. It seems like I’m invisible. I’ll say something and then the two other people will just talk over me. It make sme feel insuperior, like I’m unimportant.

7. I never have any fun. Ever. I’m sitting here alone, on a Friday night writing this long list of complaints. So sad.

8. I feel like I’m constantly complaining, and that I’m bothering every one. And that I am so freakishly selfish.

9. I got more work done o nmy teeth and I haven’t really eaten anything good and filling since yersterday morning. I don’t eat lunch at school usually, and the day after i got the work done, i was too sore to eat dinner, the next day (today) i still wasn’t well enough to eat anything and same goes for lunch. I had some icecream at the end of school, and some yogurt when i got home. But I’m still pretty starved, but my mouth is killing me!

Well, there is one thing to smile about. Pumpkin’s been talking to me a lot more. And I’ve noticed a pattern. When we’re alone he’s always super sweet and nice. When there’s someone else there, he’s like a totally different person. Sweet, sweet kid, but when Courtney or Deven or anyone to be perfectly honest walks into the picture, it’s just like BAM! he tries extra hard to be different. I don’t like this side of him! He’s so much nicer when we’re alone! It’s just like, he’s putting on this show… it’s so sad… hmm, yet ANOTHER thing to be sad about.

well, I guess they’re are a lot mroe things to be sad about than to be happy about. You’ve got war and poverty and world hunger, and people can just go to school and laugh it off cause some kidd’s fly’s down (didn’t actually happen mind you)! It seems so unimportant! We could have it so worse. We could be sold as sex slaves, or dieing of cancer. I mean, and then we can just go and smile and say “Well, I really like this boy…” I don’t understand, don’t understand.

And then I feel guilty when I look at my drum fund (up to about $90 now) and think, gee, that could really help someone, and I think, I don’t need a drumset! This could go and buy food for the hungry, yet I have second thoughts about giving the money to charity? God am I so selfish! I’m going to let my greed take me over, and get soemthing I want over something I need. That’s why I decided to do a charitable fundraiser, and giving $20 of my drum fund. But I still feel like I’m not giving enough. I take so much more than I give.

I can go to the mall, and buy 4 pairs of jeans, when that money could’ve aided a crisis victim! AH! I am so selfish, I feel absolutely horrible that I don’t give enough.

I mean, I don’t need those 4 jeans, I really don’t even need 1 pair, if I just have a pair of shorts. And then that $100 or so, could’ve helped someone so much! ;-; it’s so sad!

so, overall, I haven’t been in a very good mood. Excuse my sharp tongue and negative-energy.

I had a weird dream last night. It contained a few people. There was me, Ari, Joren, Tyler, and a lot of other people. If dreams truly are things you tink about before you sleep, I have no idea WHAT I was thinking. I was back in my elementary school cafeteria. And I went in the lunch line and I decided to get a bowl of pudding so I took the pudding and the line was really long so I ate the pudding and then when I was about to throw it away but the lunch lady said i needed to pay for it. But I didn’t have any money. So she said I could go get money from one of my friends. But if I wasn’t back in 10 minutes that I’d turn into a pumpkin. So I left and asked Deven for some money but she didn’t have any, and she was all crying. But I didn’t have any time so I figured I’d see what was wrong later. Then I asked Ari. But he just started hugging me and he wouldn’t let go. So I kind of draged him around on my quest for money. Then I asked Tyler, and then I moved my hand or something and I hit Joren’s butt, and this girl (that i think is in my gym) was sitting on his lap and they were making out. It was kind of random, and he was like “CHLOE!” and he was really mad. (who wouldn’t be?)

but then he punched me and he missed because i turned into a pumpkin and smashed (Smashing Pumpkins maybe?) to the ground and then Tyler was like “I ♥ Pumpkin Pie! ^^” and his dialouge popped over his head like in an anime series.

It was so weird.

And at dinner I thought of soemthing kind of funny in a silly way. Dad asked me what I wanted for dessert and I said “Gopher please,” (i was out of it) here comes the funny part, then i said: “I could really Go Fer Some Gopher!”

XD

Well, anyways, I finished that book I was reading. Now I’m going to read this series about Vampires (my sister suggested it). I’m not sure which comes first in the series but I know the names are Twilight, Eclipse and New Moon (i think)

And Courtney: I bought 5 Blaqk Audio songs on iTunes. (*I like them!) My favorite is Again, Again and Again, but I aslo bought Stiff Kittens, Semiotic Love, The Love Letter and Snuff On Digital

I realize this is my 3rd post today, I guess I’m just in the blogging mood. I feel like venting to someone.

Lately I’ve felt so depressed. Not like ohmigosh go cut my wrist depressed. And I’m not depressed because of Pumpkin or Ari or Him. I don’t know, lately I just feel kind of empty. It’s kind of hard to explain. I just feel like so many people around me are just so fake, and everyone just seems to go along with it, like it’s okay to be fake. Worse than that it is accepted, sometimes it is even considered “cool”. That really kills me.

Hmm, when you think about it. How would the world be different if everyone only cared about personality. What if looks didn’t matter? There would be no fasion magazines, no makeup, everyone would be so much more real.

Geeks would go out with cool kids, preps would go out with goths. It would be total chaos, but in a good way. People like Pumpkin would go out with people like me. People like Lauren would go out with people like Nick. Tyler’s would go out with Celeste’s, Ari’s would go out with Cristina’s. It would be crazy and mixed up ,but so right. Nothing would matter except how much you liked that person. Wouldn’t that just be really great? Just really really great? I would love that, I would really love that. ♥

I’m not saying I’m butt ugly or anything, but I’m not like drop-dead gorgeous. You know the usual, blonde hair, hazel eyes.

But God, what a place the world would be if looks didn’t matter…

The crazy things I do to feel full again. This happens every once a while. I just feel empty and alone, and once my head gets going on the idea, it doesn’t stop for weeks. It’s been a few days now. I can’t say I particularily like myself when I get like this. But it kind of comes with my character. I’m deeper than most people think. I have such an intellectual mind. I still haven’t met anyone who I can speak theoretically with. I haven’t met anyone I can ask questions like “where did it begin” “why am I I?” “who are we?” “who does the human race think it is?”. Questions like that. I could talk for hours about that. Sometimes (like today) the weight of it just hits me and I can’t stop thinking. I get so distracted and it really annoys everyone but I just can’t stop.

I do some crazy things to try to “cleanse” myself. Yesterday, I was taking a shower, and then all of the sudden, I turned the water as cold as it could go and just kept thinking and I started crying. I know that sounds crazy, but I was standing there in the cold water, alone with my thoughts, crying. That sounds absolutely insane, but I can’t even start to explain how empty I felt. Just, empty. I can’t think of a better way to describe it than just empty. Like if you opened me, there would be nothing there, no heart no soul. And then all the sudden, the next day I’m filled again. Insane. Really insane. I guess I think I’m losing myself or something. That would be really awful. It really would.

I heard this somewhere: “People are like bubbles. They look amazing on the outside. But they only last for a second. They are easily burst and empty inside. And in reality, they are the exact same.”

Well, there you have it.

People are like bubbles.

If someone could make a diagram of my heart, probably about half would be donated to my best friends. They keep my insanity. Each one has their own trait that makes me feel good.

Cristina makes me feel good, maybe because she listens to me. Sometimes I feel like nobody’s ever listening to me. I feel like i talk but no one can hear me, and the few that can just don’t care enough  to say/do anything.

Courtney makes me feel good because she can relate to me. Because we have so much in common, she really knows how to give good advice.

Alex makes me feel good because she laughs at me (sometimes in the good way, sometimes in the bad way). Sometimes she gives me those weird “What the heck” looks that only /she/ can give, but she always laughs when I make a funny, which makes me feel special because i feel like my purpose in life is to make people happy. 

Ari makes me feel good, because he keeps life interesting. Just um /interesting/

Tyler makes me feel good because he always makes me laugh. And he makes me feel loved. Even though sometimes he makes me feel horrible about myself, unintentionally /generally/

Nick makes me feel good (you’re probably wondering why i mention him) because he gives me something to look forward to. I don’t know why, but i like seeing him in class. he makes me smile for some reason, unbeknowst to me.

Celeste makes me feel good because she acts like she cares. A lot of people don’t love me enough to even act like they care.

Deven may ignore me to isolation sometimes because of Joren, but she really makes me smile.

John, doesn’t know who I am, but he makes me feel good, becaus ehe is so cute and he gives me someone to /impress/ every day

I have a lot of other friends, but those are the one that impact my life most on a day-to-day basis.

Then my family and my random crushes are squeezed into the other half.

I can tell by the look on your face that you are fascinated

I don’t know what I was expecting. I guess I was expecting a scene from a movie or something. But I guess in relaity stuff like that NEVER happens.

I saw him walking to 2nd hour with Nick, and I turned down the hall that lead to my class. I really don’t know what I was thinking was /going/ to happen. I kind of wanted him to run over and just start talking to me. I know that’s stupid… really stupid the more I think about it. but I don’t know, I guess I just set myself some kind of standards. He didn’t even wave, God, I was just crushed. I mean he’s really not the type to scream out your name and wave around his arms even if he /does/ like you, but still maybe even just a little nod so that I knew he at least noticed me, or looked my way or something. But he just kept walking.

God.

Emotional turmoil.

My friend got back from the Hospital today. I missed her a lot, and we played a long overdue prank on another friend of ours. xD It was a good one too.

Oh, and I don’t think TJ hates me anymore, which really doesn’t matter to me right now. I mean, I’ll probably care a lot tomorrow, but today, I don’t know, I think I was just adjusting to him ignoring me and stuff, and then he waits for me after 4th hour and hugs me and then hugs me again after school. Lauren’s right, men are so confusing.

Ari was absent today. I don’t know why everyone thinks I care so much. I mean I do, I’d be a scrooge not to. But it’s not like the end of the world because he’s sick or anything. Gosh, people are stupid sometimes, XP

Hmm, a lot happened in one day. It really did. That’s quite interesting, because someday’s nothing happens at all.

Here’s a random thought for ya. What makes one day different from another? I mean the sun comes up and goes down the same every day. And it’s the same people, and the same place and generally the same situations.What can make one day, according to these circumstances, amazing and another “the worst day of your life”. I mean what is it? Really, I’d like to know. I really would. What make today any different from yesterday? Or what makes yesterday different from tomorrow? What makes 2 years from now any different than this exact moment?

I think it has less to do with people changing and more to do with ourselves changing. I think it has to do with ourselves and how we grow and how we act. When you really think about it, it all comes down to us, and whether we’ve got the guts or not to keep going. 

It’s sad I’ve had to make a sequel to my lengthy Ari post…

Okay, today three girls came up to me and said they liked him. THREE. Supposedly it’s “for all the right reasons” but I just happen to be very skeptical. I usually am, about everything. But since Ari’s my best friend I am overly skeptical about chicks liking him just because he’s sweet (which he is but which is absolutely /not/ why /they/ like him)

I hate to mention any names, especially the one that concerns me most. She says she doesn’t like him anymore, but she says a lot of things. I appreciate her asking my permission and all, but it’s not like she can’t get any guy she wants. Why, of all the guys, in the whole school that she /can/ get, she has to go for my best friend? I mean why? They’ve gone out at least 3 times in the past, and it’s never worked out. Sometimes I wonder if he’s only in it for the fame. Sometimes I wodner if she’s only in it, to be in it.

 I realize I talk about these girls that like Ari like another species. But sometimes they are. I always thought guys were hard to figure out, but so are girls. They just act so smooth around him, so nonchalant and swavy and all that. Sometimes I think he doesn’t even notice they’re trying to play that cutesy card. But then again he doesn’t realize much of anything. I could dye my hair red and cut it real short and he probably wouldn’t even give it a second look and just start talking about our language homework or something. He’s funny like that.

I honestly don’t think Ari’s into anyone, not right now anyways. But then again, he totally could be, like I said guys are hard to read too.

God am I frusterated!

Okay, me and Ari have been (like REALLY) best friends since the beginning of the school year. I mean he never really was like /hot/ or anything but he was cute and nice and funny, and we BONDED. We tried the whole “more than friends” thing for about an hour, but it just didn’t /work/. I never really had that much of a problem before, because like I said he wasn’t like drop dead gorgeous or anything. We were both single fishes that always stuck together. A lot of people harassed us about that too.

But anwyays, now I’m pretty mad (not at him, no no not at all) because he dyed his hair like this brownish-blonde and everyone’s like “ohmigosh he’s so hot!!!1!!111one!” I /honestly/ don’t see /much/ difference. I’ll admit he looks a lot cuter but for real, a DYE JOB can turn him into the /new/ cutest guy on campus? That’s just really shallow on the school’s part. I mean seriously.

I don’t get what the big deal is. People dye their hair all the time. What makes /this/ any different than when Maddy snuck out and dyed her hair black or when Noel went out and dyed the tips red, no that was /no/ big deal. What makes Ari’s hair ANY different?

I don’t know why I care so much, I just can’t STAND how shallow people can be sometimes. I mean God, have a little depth, even only if it’s a few feet of flavored water. I mean let’s just play pretend for a few minutes. What if Ari gets all caught up in his ego (he has in the past) and then he thinks because everyone wants to be his friend now, he can just get rid of me like an old T-shirt. I mean that /really/ could happen. At my school stuff like that happens all the time. It’s really sad, but it really does happen all the TIME. 

Wow, Ive really taken control of this blog, some people write in like once a month and when they do it’s like a few sentences. I hope you realize I’m spilling my guts right hear. Right on this stage, I’m really spilling my guts. Not as eliquent as I may have imagined but it’ll do the trick.

I finsihed Catcher in the Rye. It really had a weird ending. Phoebe’s on the Carosoul and Holden’s sitting on the bench watching her and it starts to rain, and she’s reaching for the golden ring but he doesn’t want her to reach for it or anything. My dad says that that’s symbolic of not wanting to grow up, but I just don’t really follow, I guess I kinda do. And according to dad, in the last chapter, he’s in a mental hospital. Boy, that ending was really soemething else.