I’m in love with to-day. It was my mom’s birthday, and my grandparents, Toni (our neighbor), and Hunter and Danny came over. Danny just got his permit so he was acting like a total bad ass as he pulled into my driveway around 1:30. I introduced them to my family and we went in and out of my room. Man, we, as friends, hit all the bases. We laughed a lot, we joked around; but we also got serious; we got emotional; Hunter started crying at one point. I could go into perfect de-tail of the six or so hours we spent to-gether, but I don’t think it’d read like much. We learned a lot about each other and I’m be-ginning to consider Hunter one of my best friends. When Danny was in my closet trying on a pair of pants he gave me back in grade 7, Hunter and I had a very serious talk. I didn’t really expect it, but he brought it up, like it’d been bothering him for a while. He asked me about one day about a week ago when I felt really sick, and my body wouldn’t stop shaking. I finally told him what had gone down, and he was totally serious with me about it, more than any of my other friends and expressed his concern. His exact words were: “You seriously had the shit scared out of me. I couldn’t stop thinking about it.” It’s kind of funny, be-cause he comes across as this sarcastic, smart-aleck kind-of kid, but when you get to know him, he’s like this super sensitive, emotional, compassionate guy. It was really cool getting the opportunity to hang out with him. And, as usual, it was amazing to see Danny who I love to pieces. :]

I think I might even go to Caroline’s house to-morrow to hang with her and Scruggs. My social life seems to be taking a very favourable turn; my parents are letting me do a lot more. I think I might make plans to hang out with Danny, Hunter and Emily (Hunter’s girlfriend) next Friday. I really want to meet Emily be-cause I think it’d be really cool if the four of us could hang out all of the time, and from what Hunter tells me, she’s a great girl!

Overall, to-day was just really nice, and I could use more days like this one.

It’s incredible how quickly everything changes in this house hold… One second, I’m totally pepped up for the upcoming week. Be-cause, well, let’s face it, I’m a genuinely optimistic person, and be-cause next week holds so much promise. But everything’s a shade of gray in this house, where no one really knows where anyone else stands on any issue one way or another. And everyone is indecisive about their feelings and emotions and can’t keep a set mood for more than ten minutes… It’s a terrible, twisted, confusing, surreal way to live, and I truly hate it. Being unsure all of the time, not knowing who to trust or who to be-lieve or what to say…and what to keep hidden.  The lines and boundaries of everything are foggy and blurred, and you can’t be sure if what you see is what you get… In fact, that’s the only thing you can be sure of… That you can’t, in fact, be sure of anything.

And it breaks my heart. That these people I supposedly “care about” and “love like no other”, make my head spin and my heart beat fast like this. And not in the fluttery, perfection-of-the-moment sense, in the way where I want to tear it out be-cause it’s pounding up and against my chest and making everything hurt and feel wrong and out of place…

And I feel like I should be over this by now. I should expect it, and just deal with it… But it gets me, EVERY time. And I don’t know what to do about it. I just get quiet and walk on tip toes, but they yell at that too. They say that everything I do is wrong, and everything I am is incorrect. But the worst part, goddammit, the worst part? Is when they say what I be-lieve in is wrong.

Which gets to me. It hurts. They tell me how foolish I am. And I feel it now too. I feel like my motto in life, my purpose, no longer has a place here. They say that I’m selfish. And I say I just want to help people. And she laughs, and he musters a huff. And I feel small, and helpless, and want to get away be-fore things get worse. Be-cause the cut on my face still hurts, and it re-minds me of how things get if I’m not careful. 

So I nod and “mhmm” my way out of it. But they’re persistent. And eventually all of the words I utter feel empty and useless so I just stop. Things get messy be-tween me and him but I extinguish the flames by backing out and away. By closing my mouth and biting down the words that burn my tongue.

And I want to-morrow to be good. Be-cause, well, thanks to a lot of factors, it should be an amazing week. Some fun trips, seeing my babies at the camp, that cute new guy I’m taking an interest in, me and my best friend hanging out for days on end… Everything should be looking up. But then I re-member where I come from and the future looks bleak, like an unfurling canvas of dark that swallows you whole.

And then spits you out be-cause you taste bitter…

But then where are you?

When you catch your breath and look around… where the hell are you?

Today was an absolutely beautiful day.

I had to wake up early this morning to go have breakfast with my grandparents. Boy, my grandparents are really amazing people. My grandpa has this magical look to him, like any second he’ll ask you what you want for your first wish. He’s a magnificent story teller, the way he talks; it makes the words come to life. I could listen to him tell me stories all day. He’s somewhat quiet, and he looks like a strange character to the outsider. I’m sure, you know, with his white hair and his tan skin and those blue-silver eyes, like my dad’s.

My grandmother is so much the opposite. She wears this beautiful jewelry and extravagant sweaters and this bright pink lipstick that just yells at you: “never forget me”. She is one of the sweetest women you will ever meet. She can be undeniably pushy, but it’s what is so charming about her. She’ll whisper to the waitress to bring my grandpa extra grape jelly because he really loves it, but he won’t ask for it (like I said, he’s quiet, and he just wants to please everyone). She’s also super-friendly, even to people she’s just met. For instance, when we were in the small store connected to the restaurant, she led us to this hand lotion display and before I could even say anything, she had grabbed my hand and squirted some in telling me how wonderful it was and how good it smelled. When the manager walked by, she summoned her to her side and without even asking put some into the manager’s hand and started telling /her/ how great it was. She offered some to the stock boy (“Marcus” she called him by his name tag, acting like she’d known him for years) but he politely declined. And you’d think no one could get away with that right? Wrong. Once you see my grandmother’s smile, it will just about melt your heart and you just want to ask for more hand lotion even though you really don’t want any. And that’s what’s so funny about her; she’s slightly irritating sometimes, but it is absolutely impossible to be upset with her, because she is just so sweet and she wants to help everyone. Some people say I’m a lot like my grandmother. I don’t know about that, especially since she can be a total neat freak; and me, well, I prefer an organized mess to a pine-fresh bedroom any day.

Overall, breakfast was totally pleasant. Before we went home, me and my mother went to this quaint little fruit stand in the middle of no where. They have the best darn Orange Juice in all of
Florida, and boy do I really love OJ. That’s one of the things I really admire about my mother. She knows about all these little places the average never knew existed.

Once we got home, my dad took my out to do some chores. First we went to the gas station and I just exclaimed pretty randomly “I really could go for some ice cream!” And he, being this amazingly go-with-the-flow dad replied: “well, you got paid yesterday, go get some!”

As I’ve said, I really love orange juice so I was sort of looking for an orange popsicle, the closest they had was pineapple so I got that. I smiled at the man working behind the counter and bid him a fair morning. He smiled back and told me to enjoy my ice cream. It really tasted like crap, but it was somewhat refreshing so I held onto it until me and my dad got to the Blockbuster. There was nothing of interest there so we went right to the bookstore. Apparently my dad found nothing there either so we went straight to the library.

I ended up checking out six books. Two were about Louie Armstrong for my history report.  Two were about the best careers for colleges (I think it’s ridiculous that after 8-10 years of college the entrance level salary for a marine biologist is only 49,000!) And the final was a book called “Triumph over Shyness”. Now, don’t get the wrong idea, I am probably the least-inhibited person you will ever meet. I mean, I’m not arrogant or anything, and I get social butterflies just as much as the next person but I still like to think of myself as a pretty friendly person. I mostly got it because I become interested in really random things sometimes (usually having to do with psychology). Also, though, because I have a friend, Spencer, who is really cool, but freakishly shy! To the point where I can barely have a conversation with him in public. He’s gotten a lot better since I first met him last year, and I can tell he’s really trying, but I’d really love to help him out a bit! (The book mostly says things like Smile, Remember Names, Use Small Talk, Give Compliments; that kind of stuff)

My dad got his book on the physics of superheroes (hehe!) and we left.

We went to this whacky Tex-Mex place for lunch where I got a vegetarian burrito and analyzed over my several job options (as my dad says, never too early to start looking!) I took the
Holland test, for the second time in my life. My artistic score was still the highest, followed by my investigative (ability to solve problems and come up with unique solutions) score and then my social (dealing with people) score. Close behind that was my realistic (ability to work with your hands and solve everyday problems) score. Close to none were my enterprising (business and CEO crap) and conventional (secretary-ish stuff) scores. There are lots of jobs I’m interested in, mostly, though I’ve still pretty much got my heart set on Marine Biology (since Kindergarten, ;D). On the back burner, however, is theever-persistant
High School Literature Teacher / Creative writer, and a new something, Optometry. I doubt I’d ever go through with being an eye doctor, but it caught my interest, which is pretty hard to do.

I would’ve liked to stay longer and read through all of my new books, especially since the weather was a perfect 79 degrees, but my dad was in a hurry.

From there, we ran from place to place, pretty boring so I won’t make you sit through it.

And I doubt this day comes across as a great day, but it really was one of my best days in a while… Shows how low my standards are.

My mother got me upset sometime in mid-afternoon, but it’s not like that isn’t an everyday occurrence. She was having a good day too, apparently, because she only hurt my feelings once and, whoa, I think it actually may have been unintentional.

Plus, I get to go fishing with my grandpa and dad next Sunday! I never get to spend time with my dad since he works so much, and like I said, my grandpa is absolutely wonderful. I haven’t been fishing in so long!

And I love the ocean. God, it takes me breath every time. I hope I can jump into the water when we’re in the middle of the ocean. I doubt my dad will let me, but, boy would I enjoy that.

When I have a family, I’m going to buy a boat and take them fishing at least once a month.

And I’ll let them jump into the water if they want to.

Hey, I haven’t been blogging much, mostly because lately I’ve been keeping a diary (well, mostly because boy mentioned below, who I will call Diamond [majorly because he wants a nifty nickname and I’m looking at a tree right now which reminds me of Green which reminds me of the book Green Angel, which remind me of Diamond…]) And like I’ve said before, I can never really keep both a blog and a diary going at the same time, and no one’s really commented on my last few posts anyways but I’ll do my best to fill you in.

 Well, starting with Diamond, I haven’t talked to him a whole lot, only occasionally and on a strict “friend” basis. Which is sort of poo, because he added a little excitment to my evenings.

Moving on, Lauren (my best friend everrrrrrrrrr)’s birthday is today. We’re celebrating it tomorrow, by going to the mall. Her mom works right next to the mall, so she’s going to drop us off, come by on lunch break to eat with us and then leave again for work. It will be really fun. :]

Today is a little exciting and a little dissappointing. But before I can go into it, I must tell you about my latest object of affection. I think I’ve mentioned him once or twice, so I might as well nickname him Tadpole (:D) Well, Tadpole is pretty funny, actually he’s really funny, and he’s a musical genious. Blue eyes, curly brown hair, skinny and decently cute. Well, I told him he could come over today to fix my drumset (like I said, he’s a music guru, and my hi-hat’s broken, so he said he’d come over, fix it, and go ahead and tune it). But he agreed, and I sent him the details via email. Of course, right after, he began to pretend to be mad at me, which got me a little mad, because now I have to wait another week to get my drums fixed. >:[. So he’s a no-show, demonstrating the dissappointed air of this blog. However, we do have company over (my grandparents and my dad’s best friend John) so my mom made lots of good food and stuff. I’ve sort of thrown myself in here though. It’s funny, my mom said Lauren could come over but I put a good amount of faith in Tadpole. Oh well. It’s just a little awkward when it’s one kid and five 50+ adults. But I do like Tadpole, actually a great deal. He’s funny, random, musical, sweet and just overall fun to be around.

But then there’s Pumpkin. I slap myself on the wrist for still liking him, but I can’t really get over it. Him and his girlfriend broke up, but I don’t have any classes with him, so it’s hard to find an excuse to talk to him. I’m going ask Tyler if he wants to hang out with me and Deven (or someone) and ask Pumpkin if he would like to tag along. I just miss talking to him. A lot. And it hurts a lot, because I know it’s only wishful thinking. But, and anyone, even those who don’t support it, can back me up on this. Me and Pumpkin do in fact have a lot in common. The way we act, the way we present ourselves, our music, our attitude, or perspective on life. But Caroline said it first, Maybe we have too much in common? So that it could possibly become a chore? I’m not sure about that.

I’m not sure what else to talk about, but a whole lot has happened since the last time I blogged. I’ll try to blog at least once a week now, but no promises.

<3

Today was horrible. Usually I censor everything on my blog because i don’t want people from school to read it and think i’m crazy, or fishing for compliments or anything, but today sucked so badly, I just want to bang my head into the wall.

It started off yesterday, when I began a new episode of paranoia, or maybe not so much paranoia as actuality. My friends were all leaving me behind, the ones that did still talk to me only did so because they needed or wanted soemthing, or because they felt they had to. A hug isn’t a hug unless you truly mean it. So it was yesterday I started to realize, man, I don’t have a true friend, it’s because I’m not good enough? That’s what I was honestly doubting. I don’t like being wrong, so I began to blame other people again. Oh, they’ve just been busy, or maybe something’s going on with them that I don’t know about… And I wasn’t sure what to make of it.

 But today was icing on the cake.

I was walking with Kyle to lunch, and his loser little friends walked up. “Omigod! Is that you’re girlfriend?” (Wow, what morons) So Kyle thought it’d be funny to say yes. So they started freaking out and one of his buds (the blond one) was like: “oh well, you’re girlfriend’s really ugly…” I turned around and yelled: “Excuse me? You know I’m right here in ear shot right? You could give me a hell of a lot more respect since I’m old enough to be your babysitter!” And he put up his hands like I was about to hit him and said, “No offense” Oh really? Really? No offense? How could I /possibly/ take that personally? So I ditched Kyle and went and sat with Lauren and Deven who were in deep converse (who 2 months ago couldn’t look at eachother without spitting on the other’s shoes). I sat down and felt a little ignored but tried to let it go. I should be happy my two besties were getting along right? So we all went in line and I was so right depressed I just sat down with Crystalyn at the table next to the lunch line. And I expected for Lauren and Deven to come and get me after they got their food right? They came, said Hi to everyone at the table, and left. Left, so sick. My two supposed best friends. But the two prettiest girls in school /first/. So I felt a little forgotten, you know? And I didn’t really belong at that table, and I didn’t belong with Lauren and Deven. So where was I supposed to go? Half of me wanted to call my mom and tell her to take me home. But the other half knew that was dumb. She’s worse than all my problems put together. So I roughed it out. Like a rickety little boat on the skirts of a hurricane. And it sucks.

And after lunch I was still a little mad. i thought Tyler was going to cheer me up, make me feel better. But when he saw I wasn’t Deven or Lauren, he blatantly ignored me. Looked me right in the eye, and cut me off but didn’t say a word.

And I saw Pumpkin after 4th hour, and usually that makes me feel a hell of a lot better. But he just yelled at me because I didn’t come get him out of his 2nd hour like I said I would (and I tried!) and when I was talking with him, he sped ahead and talked louder, draining out my voice. So I continued quietly to 5th hour. From there on in, things were okay. Nothing else horrible happened.

 And it wasn’t all that horrible, just the concept of horrible.

Overall, today, genuinally, sincerely and truly sucked.

My life’s sort of been on a tight rope lately. Some days are just so amazing. And then the next I slip into a funk. This afternoon I was just so happy. I was literally giving off light. Everyone around me smiled because I was just so happy. I was like a little ball of energy. And what was there to be upset about anyways? Crystal came over, we set up my drumset, we jammed, we had fun. I even got to see Pumpkin today, at an assembly, I saw him, and I’m not sure if he saw me. I even got a 97 on my history test. Overall, today was good. Even when my mom got mad, nothing could bring me down. It was the eternal happiness a small part of me wanted.

But yesterday, yesterday was the pits. I was talking to my friend Taylor on the bus, and some how I began rambling on and on about Pumpkin. And it got me so sad. He’d say: “He’s not that good-looking, he probably would’ve gone out with you.” And I just wanted to bang my head on the window. Yes he is! I wanted to yell. He’s the most beautiful person I’ve ever seen! He’s a genious! He’s genuine! He’s perfect. Jon says: “I was pretty sure he liked you last year.” And I held back the tears, because I knew they were lieing! They didn’t want to tell me I could never have him! They didn’t want to say, you’re not smart enough, you’re not nice enough, you’re not pretty enough. They thought I’d have a mental breakdown. And I was so close too! But I thought to myself, just be calm, just be calm, they don’t know what you’re feeling, and they don’t know Pumpkin at all. I eventually cooled down. Walking home in the rain because you’re mom was too lazy to come pick you up (she was watching TV when I got home) can do that. I figure, maybe I’ll meet someone spectacular this year. But I’ve sort of given up on the idea. I’m not good enough yet. Crystal says that in high school there are tons of cute, smart guys. And for that I sincerely hope! I’ve been in this Pumpkin trap for nearly a year. It’s time for a change of scenery.

Well, me and my mom have gotten along decently all day (yes i take it day by day). i talked to dad about how she treats me like crap and he said: “you just have to keep trying.” One day she’ll be my best friend and the next she’ll ruin my life. I wish I could blame it on PMS but she has to take menoplause pills every day. (:P). I think she gets mad at me when she can’t be mad at anyone else and she needs to yell at someone, me. Her last blowup was after Jesse did something stupid, and she got mad at me for trying to clean up the lunch counter… Jesse wasn’t there, so she needed someone to be mad at. I started crying and dad said it again “Keep trying”. So I am trying, I would like to get along with her, it would make me very happy. That’s why I am exuberant to say we’ve gotten along all day. I don’t want to dread coming home, I don’t want to move out at a strikingly young age, I don’t want to change my name and move to Australia. I want to be able to come home and tell my mom about everything going on and for her to give me advice, maybe even sympathize for me a little bit. And maybe dad’s right, maybe if i keep trying really really hard, it will happen. And the thought makes me feel like I’m on fire. Yeah, so today’s been pretty good, because you know what they say, life’s a game, take it day by day. And while I am still in this positive state of mind I will say Au Revoir, ;]

when i have nothing overly interesting to write about, i write about my dreams. this post is no different. i haven’t blogged in a while, and ive had some pretty incredible dreams since when…

a while ago: I was at a McDonalds with my mom and dad and it was weird, because nearly EVERYONE from school was there. The three i really remember though were Him (remember my grade 7 crush from way back when?) Nick E. (aww) and Matt ( a kid from my 4th hour). Me and Nick (not to be confused with nick patterson) always used to act like we hated eachother, but i dont think we honestly did. he was a funny, sweet guy, and he became a pretty good friend. in my dream, he came up to me, talked for a little and then hugged me. then matt came up to me and said my mom was aying horrible things about everyone.

a few days ago: I was in the cafeteria, and i looed across the table to see crystal. i waved. she was sitting with this girl Becca who used to be in my lunch. she came up and started talking to me. “Hey, i read your profile,” then, next thing i knew, we were acting like best friends. we were running around and i said: “Becca, you’re so fun to be around, youre so happy and cheerful.” she replied: “and what you’re depressed?” “No, i think im pretty normal,” then i have to blow my nose, so i go into the bathroom, after i throw the tissue away, i realize there is a jar of peanut butter in my hand. i suddenly realize i cannot let it drop no matter what. suddenly, deven and a bunch of other people, come out of the office in a cha-cha line. me and becca join the cha-cha line. someone bumps into me and the PB jar goes flying. I dont see where it lands and suddenly i dont care. then me and deven begin to open this door that says “Oregon” on it with a little doplphin. then i wake up. :p

yesterday: i was in the mall when i realized i was being chased by three people. when i ran out of a store, i saw ari, lauren and butter all hanging out. i told them i was being chased but butter and lauren went on talking like it didnt matter. ari’s eyes opened up really big and when i turned a corner,  i realized he was following me, like he was looking out for me.

last night: i was in the mall with courtney and we were eating cookies when i heard someone talking about me. it was this girl who goes to my school. some of the people she was talking to stood up for me, others didnt care.

analyzation anyone??

wow. today was CRAZY. Me and my mom were at Home Depot,  and then this huge lightning bolt struck and this car alarm went off. I started screaming “OHMIGOD! IT HIT A CAR!” and then my mom started yelling: “HOLY CRAP! THAT’S MY CAR!” And I was just like /whoooooaaaaa/ because earlier, I had been wishing I would get struck by lightning. Who knew that was so close to being reality? If me and my mom had decided to run out in the rain, I could be dead right now. I guess you know what they say, be careful what you wish for. This all sounds very much like Alice Hoffman’s “Ice Queen” but anyways, this whole incident kind of reminded me of something I’d otherwise forgotten. And now that I recall it, I’d have to say it was one of the scariest moments of my life. I was about 5ish? and it was raining very hard, just like today and i was with my dad in the garden department of Home Depot. And there was a suspicious person loose in the building. My dad went to go get the car and i waited by the gate. This was right before they started locking all the doors. So I got locked in, and my dad was out there. And I started crying… They let me out when my dad came up, but it was still pretty scary without him there…

 Well, I’ve got to jet. :\ My dad’s moving the TV/PS2 here into the den with the remodeling and such.

So, I can honestly say, almost every decent thing I’ve wanted to do has been canceled. Monday I was going to go to Cristina’s beach house, but she bailed last minute. Thursday, I was going to go to a baseball game with Courtney, but my mom said no. Today I was going to spend the day with Crystal, but she had to go to her grandma’s. -__- maybe it was fate. Because last night, right after Crystal said she couldn’t come to the beach with me, Courtney texted me asking if I wanted to go the beach with her. I did, and we had a blast! I /might/ go with her to [local teen hangout] but, she hasn’t called/emailed yet, and I try  not to get my expectations up too high, that way when things don’t work out (as you’re beginning to tell happens a lot) I’m not too disappointed. I probably won’t go. If Courtney does call, my mom will probably say no. It’s about 4:40 now, most people go to [local teen hangout] around 6ish, that’s just about an hour and a half, but I’m not going to get too excited. Although it would be nice to see all my friends that I haven’t seen in a week or so…

No matter, I’ll find a way to make tonight special. :]