God, physically, spiritually, emotionally, I am a complete wreck. I don’t know when or where it started, but lately, I just feel, not like myself. I guess I’ll start off with the guy some of that may be contributed to. Wow, he’s practically perfect. Everything I’ve been looking for in a guy. Sweet, emotional, sympathetic, intuitive, intelligent, curious, philosophical, spontaneous, funny, optimistic and all of that good stuff. He’s got the most beautiful green eyes you’ll ever see, and a fantastic smile. I mean, pair that with his amazing personality, and you guessed it, I’m head over heels. Holy crap, I haven’t liked anyone this much since Pumpkin. And this guy, who I’m supposing I’ll call Crow, well, I really like him a lot. And, wow, I’m surprised when he says that he feels the same. He says that I’m perfect and that I have the best personality and that I’m everything he’s been looking for in a girl, wow, enough to make any girl’s heart beat fast. We text all day, every day in that first week, he makes me laugh, he’ll text me at midnight just to say “I love you” so I have something to wake up to. Suddenly, on that monumental Thursday, I realize I’m really starting to fall for him. After Tadpole, I didn’t think I’d want a relationship for a long time, but, wow, I couldn’t never seen someone like Crow coming. So Thursday comes, and he’s not in the best of moods, which is really not fantastic. He volunteers at the camp with me and the school was going to a local water park, which I had extremely high expectations for. Unfortunately, it was pretty disappointing. “Are you okay?” Crow asks me at one point when we’re sitting cross-legged against a wall as the other volunteers go on a ride we weren’t feeling up for. “Yeah, I’m fine,” I reply. “I don’t be-lieve you,” he said. Okay, that may not read like much. But, well, I have this silly little list of everything I’m looking for in a guy. And, well, number one is: “Someone who won’t be-lieve me when I say I’m fine.” My exact words, and his exact words, and that’s the thing about Crow, everything about him just fits perfectly.

So we get back on the bus and his mood has brightened substantially. He’s laughing a lot, and flirting and being just adorable in every sense of the word. We’re sitting with Garrett, one of my favourite kids at the camp, so we’re cramped in the seat pretty tight. We’re listening to my iPod (we have insanely different tastes in music), and he puts his hand on my leg, and omigod, definitely enough to give you chills. He smiles at me, with that adorable little smile (it makes me smile just thinking about it) and everything feels right again with him. We get back to the camp, and things get even better. We’re doing everything to-gether, flirting most of the way. I’m smiling almost nonstop at this point, be-cause well, damn, I’m just awestruck at how amazing he is. When my dad calls that’s he’s on his way to pick me up, this veil of foreboding comes over me… This is the last day I’ll see Crow in a long while. I’m sure he doesn’t care as much as I do, until, as we’re walking up to the cafeteria where most of the kids are he just says, out of nowhere: “Babe, I’m really going to miss you…” I smile, that weird, awkward, little, sympathetic smile I give every now and then. He laughs and says: “Damn, you’re so cute.” One of the counselors asks us to get something from the supply closet so we head up there and sort through some stuff. My dad calls again, saying that he’s waiting outside. I look at Crow, and he looks at me, and I give him the best hug I’ve ever given anyone in my entire life, be-cause I have this terrible feeling like I’m never going to see him again, or at least, not see him like this anymore. And then I just look at him, all tired and sorry-looking and we start kissing.

Wow, that kiss, words can’t even describe it. It was probably one of the most magical things I’ve ever felt. Like, only kiss I’ve ever had where I still get chills thinking about it, three days later.

Afterwards, we’re texting like we always do. And he agrees that it was the single most amazing kiss of his life. He says how he can’t wait to see me again and all that sort of stuff.  Feeling happy and optimistic, I say good night. He tells me to have beautiful dreams and that he loves me, and I fall asleep with that fluttery feeling like everything’s going to get better.

The next morning, there’s no message to wake up to. No “I love you”, no “good morning sunshine”, nothing even of the sort. Wait, no, actually, let’s tell it like it is, there’s nothing at all. I figure he’s busy, out and about with his friends and stuff, so I just disregard it and go to work. Butter’s there to-day and we hang and just have an amazing time, be-cause, well, he’s my best friend and we always do, and he helps me sort through emotions like this, be-cause he’s my go-to guy when it comes to advice in areas like this.

I go to sleep, disappointed, knowing Crow didn’t talk to me all day…

The next day’s even worse, I finally get something about 3 in the afternoon, and from there, it all goes downhill. It just seems like he doesn’t care at all anymore.

Dillon, a friend from work, makes me feel insanely shitty about it, saying I fall too fast. Which I know is true, but I hate it when people act like they know me oh so well. I ended up upsetting him, (wow, screw me) and now I’m just sitting here wanting to take back this whole summer be-cause it’s been one giant mistake.

It’s incredible how quickly everything changes in this house hold… One second, I’m totally pepped up for the upcoming week. Be-cause, well, let’s face it, I’m a genuinely optimistic person, and be-cause next week holds so much promise. But everything’s a shade of gray in this house, where no one really knows where anyone else stands on any issue one way or another. And everyone is indecisive about their feelings and emotions and can’t keep a set mood for more than ten minutes… It’s a terrible, twisted, confusing, surreal way to live, and I truly hate it. Being unsure all of the time, not knowing who to trust or who to be-lieve or what to say…and what to keep hidden.  The lines and boundaries of everything are foggy and blurred, and you can’t be sure if what you see is what you get… In fact, that’s the only thing you can be sure of… That you can’t, in fact, be sure of anything.

And it breaks my heart. That these people I supposedly “care about” and “love like no other”, make my head spin and my heart beat fast like this. And not in the fluttery, perfection-of-the-moment sense, in the way where I want to tear it out be-cause it’s pounding up and against my chest and making everything hurt and feel wrong and out of place…

And I feel like I should be over this by now. I should expect it, and just deal with it… But it gets me, EVERY time. And I don’t know what to do about it. I just get quiet and walk on tip toes, but they yell at that too. They say that everything I do is wrong, and everything I am is incorrect. But the worst part, goddammit, the worst part? Is when they say what I be-lieve in is wrong.

Which gets to me. It hurts. They tell me how foolish I am. And I feel it now too. I feel like my motto in life, my purpose, no longer has a place here. They say that I’m selfish. And I say I just want to help people. And she laughs, and he musters a huff. And I feel small, and helpless, and want to get away be-fore things get worse. Be-cause the cut on my face still hurts, and it re-minds me of how things get if I’m not careful. 

So I nod and “mhmm” my way out of it. But they’re persistent. And eventually all of the words I utter feel empty and useless so I just stop. Things get messy be-tween me and him but I extinguish the flames by backing out and away. By closing my mouth and biting down the words that burn my tongue.

And I want to-morrow to be good. Be-cause, well, thanks to a lot of factors, it should be an amazing week. Some fun trips, seeing my babies at the camp, that cute new guy I’m taking an interest in, me and my best friend hanging out for days on end… Everything should be looking up. But then I re-member where I come from and the future looks bleak, like an unfurling canvas of dark that swallows you whole.

And then spits you out be-cause you taste bitter…

But then where are you?

When you catch your breath and look around… where the hell are you?

Today was an absolutely beautiful day.

I had to wake up early this morning to go have breakfast with my grandparents. Boy, my grandparents are really amazing people. My grandpa has this magical look to him, like any second he’ll ask you what you want for your first wish. He’s a magnificent story teller, the way he talks; it makes the words come to life. I could listen to him tell me stories all day. He’s somewhat quiet, and he looks like a strange character to the outsider. I’m sure, you know, with his white hair and his tan skin and those blue-silver eyes, like my dad’s.

My grandmother is so much the opposite. She wears this beautiful jewelry and extravagant sweaters and this bright pink lipstick that just yells at you: “never forget me”. She is one of the sweetest women you will ever meet. She can be undeniably pushy, but it’s what is so charming about her. She’ll whisper to the waitress to bring my grandpa extra grape jelly because he really loves it, but he won’t ask for it (like I said, he’s quiet, and he just wants to please everyone). She’s also super-friendly, even to people she’s just met. For instance, when we were in the small store connected to the restaurant, she led us to this hand lotion display and before I could even say anything, she had grabbed my hand and squirted some in telling me how wonderful it was and how good it smelled. When the manager walked by, she summoned her to her side and without even asking put some into the manager’s hand and started telling /her/ how great it was. She offered some to the stock boy (“Marcus” she called him by his name tag, acting like she’d known him for years) but he politely declined. And you’d think no one could get away with that right? Wrong. Once you see my grandmother’s smile, it will just about melt your heart and you just want to ask for more hand lotion even though you really don’t want any. And that’s what’s so funny about her; she’s slightly irritating sometimes, but it is absolutely impossible to be upset with her, because she is just so sweet and she wants to help everyone. Some people say I’m a lot like my grandmother. I don’t know about that, especially since she can be a total neat freak; and me, well, I prefer an organized mess to a pine-fresh bedroom any day.

Overall, breakfast was totally pleasant. Before we went home, me and my mother went to this quaint little fruit stand in the middle of no where. They have the best darn Orange Juice in all of
Florida, and boy do I really love OJ. That’s one of the things I really admire about my mother. She knows about all these little places the average never knew existed.

Once we got home, my dad took my out to do some chores. First we went to the gas station and I just exclaimed pretty randomly “I really could go for some ice cream!” And he, being this amazingly go-with-the-flow dad replied: “well, you got paid yesterday, go get some!”

As I’ve said, I really love orange juice so I was sort of looking for an orange popsicle, the closest they had was pineapple so I got that. I smiled at the man working behind the counter and bid him a fair morning. He smiled back and told me to enjoy my ice cream. It really tasted like crap, but it was somewhat refreshing so I held onto it until me and my dad got to the Blockbuster. There was nothing of interest there so we went right to the bookstore. Apparently my dad found nothing there either so we went straight to the library.

I ended up checking out six books. Two were about Louie Armstrong for my history report.  Two were about the best careers for colleges (I think it’s ridiculous that after 8-10 years of college the entrance level salary for a marine biologist is only 49,000!) And the final was a book called “Triumph over Shyness”. Now, don’t get the wrong idea, I am probably the least-inhibited person you will ever meet. I mean, I’m not arrogant or anything, and I get social butterflies just as much as the next person but I still like to think of myself as a pretty friendly person. I mostly got it because I become interested in really random things sometimes (usually having to do with psychology). Also, though, because I have a friend, Spencer, who is really cool, but freakishly shy! To the point where I can barely have a conversation with him in public. He’s gotten a lot better since I first met him last year, and I can tell he’s really trying, but I’d really love to help him out a bit! (The book mostly says things like Smile, Remember Names, Use Small Talk, Give Compliments; that kind of stuff)

My dad got his book on the physics of superheroes (hehe!) and we left.

We went to this whacky Tex-Mex place for lunch where I got a vegetarian burrito and analyzed over my several job options (as my dad says, never too early to start looking!) I took the
Holland test, for the second time in my life. My artistic score was still the highest, followed by my investigative (ability to solve problems and come up with unique solutions) score and then my social (dealing with people) score. Close behind that was my realistic (ability to work with your hands and solve everyday problems) score. Close to none were my enterprising (business and CEO crap) and conventional (secretary-ish stuff) scores. There are lots of jobs I’m interested in, mostly, though I’ve still pretty much got my heart set on Marine Biology (since Kindergarten, ;D). On the back burner, however, is theever-persistant
High School Literature Teacher / Creative writer, and a new something, Optometry. I doubt I’d ever go through with being an eye doctor, but it caught my interest, which is pretty hard to do.

I would’ve liked to stay longer and read through all of my new books, especially since the weather was a perfect 79 degrees, but my dad was in a hurry.

From there, we ran from place to place, pretty boring so I won’t make you sit through it.

And I doubt this day comes across as a great day, but it really was one of my best days in a while… Shows how low my standards are.

My mother got me upset sometime in mid-afternoon, but it’s not like that isn’t an everyday occurrence. She was having a good day too, apparently, because she only hurt my feelings once and, whoa, I think it actually may have been unintentional.

Plus, I get to go fishing with my grandpa and dad next Sunday! I never get to spend time with my dad since he works so much, and like I said, my grandpa is absolutely wonderful. I haven’t been fishing in so long!

And I love the ocean. God, it takes me breath every time. I hope I can jump into the water when we’re in the middle of the ocean. I doubt my dad will let me, but, boy would I enjoy that.

When I have a family, I’m going to buy a boat and take them fishing at least once a month.

And I’ll let them jump into the water if they want to.

Hey, I haven’t been blogging much, mostly because lately I’ve been keeping a diary (well, mostly because boy mentioned below, who I will call Diamond [majorly because he wants a nifty nickname and I’m looking at a tree right now which reminds me of Green which reminds me of the book Green Angel, which remind me of Diamond…]) And like I’ve said before, I can never really keep both a blog and a diary going at the same time, and no one’s really commented on my last few posts anyways but I’ll do my best to fill you in.

 Well, starting with Diamond, I haven’t talked to him a whole lot, only occasionally and on a strict “friend” basis. Which is sort of poo, because he added a little excitment to my evenings.

Moving on, Lauren (my best friend everrrrrrrrrr)’s birthday is today. We’re celebrating it tomorrow, by going to the mall. Her mom works right next to the mall, so she’s going to drop us off, come by on lunch break to eat with us and then leave again for work. It will be really fun. :]

Today is a little exciting and a little dissappointing. But before I can go into it, I must tell you about my latest object of affection. I think I’ve mentioned him once or twice, so I might as well nickname him Tadpole (:D) Well, Tadpole is pretty funny, actually he’s really funny, and he’s a musical genious. Blue eyes, curly brown hair, skinny and decently cute. Well, I told him he could come over today to fix my drumset (like I said, he’s a music guru, and my hi-hat’s broken, so he said he’d come over, fix it, and go ahead and tune it). But he agreed, and I sent him the details via email. Of course, right after, he began to pretend to be mad at me, which got me a little mad, because now I have to wait another week to get my drums fixed. >:[. So he’s a no-show, demonstrating the dissappointed air of this blog. However, we do have company over (my grandparents and my dad’s best friend John) so my mom made lots of good food and stuff. I’ve sort of thrown myself in here though. It’s funny, my mom said Lauren could come over but I put a good amount of faith in Tadpole. Oh well. It’s just a little awkward when it’s one kid and five 50+ adults. But I do like Tadpole, actually a great deal. He’s funny, random, musical, sweet and just overall fun to be around.

But then there’s Pumpkin. I slap myself on the wrist for still liking him, but I can’t really get over it. Him and his girlfriend broke up, but I don’t have any classes with him, so it’s hard to find an excuse to talk to him. I’m going ask Tyler if he wants to hang out with me and Deven (or someone) and ask Pumpkin if he would like to tag along. I just miss talking to him. A lot. And it hurts a lot, because I know it’s only wishful thinking. But, and anyone, even those who don’t support it, can back me up on this. Me and Pumpkin do in fact have a lot in common. The way we act, the way we present ourselves, our music, our attitude, or perspective on life. But Caroline said it first, Maybe we have too much in common? So that it could possibly become a chore? I’m not sure about that.

I’m not sure what else to talk about, but a whole lot has happened since the last time I blogged. I’ll try to blog at least once a week now, but no promises.

<3

 Isn’t that weird? I didn’t realize until I posted this, that I’ve been blogging like clockwork (every Friday) hmm, my body is so routine (told you I hate change) I won’t be able to blog as much when school starts but I’ll do my darndest. :]

So I went and got my schedule today (mannn, school starts monday :D)

 1 History

2 Student Aide

3 Band (:P)

4 Language Arts

5 Geometry

6 Science

 It’s so different. I really hate change…and I’m scared. What if I don’t have any classes with my friends? I know I don’t have any with Deven or Alyssa. Lauren hasn’t said yet. Thank God I have 2 classes with Courtney (I think I get to Student-Aide with her (fun fun fun)), and I have Geometry with Cristina (that means we’ll probably be sitting next to eachother because our last names are so close. :]) What if I don’t have any with Pumpkin? Or Lauren? Or Tyler? Or Caroline? (The list is endless) I saw Pumpkin today… He was with one of my friends. They were kind of across the courtyard. So my friend, being lazy, called out my name and waved (he didn’t look real happy to see me) After I waved back, Pumpkin decided he’d wave to me too. It sounds so sincere, but it made my heart go bu-bump. I haven’t seen him in about 3 months and I was wondering if all the magic would come back when I saw him. It’s too early to tell now…

I was just wondering. Which do you think would be a worst situation? (A little random) having a dad who you knew never loved you, or losing a father who you knew loved you very much? I think having a dad who didn’t love you would be absolutely terrible. Me and my dad are very close, and I can’t imagine losing him. But it would be worse if he lived forever and we hated eachother. Just a thought.

Well, me and my mom have gotten along decently all day (yes i take it day by day). i talked to dad about how she treats me like crap and he said: “you just have to keep trying.” One day she’ll be my best friend and the next she’ll ruin my life. I wish I could blame it on PMS but she has to take menoplause pills every day. (:P). I think she gets mad at me when she can’t be mad at anyone else and she needs to yell at someone, me. Her last blowup was after Jesse did something stupid, and she got mad at me for trying to clean up the lunch counter… Jesse wasn’t there, so she needed someone to be mad at. I started crying and dad said it again “Keep trying”. So I am trying, I would like to get along with her, it would make me very happy. That’s why I am exuberant to say we’ve gotten along all day. I don’t want to dread coming home, I don’t want to move out at a strikingly young age, I don’t want to change my name and move to Australia. I want to be able to come home and tell my mom about everything going on and for her to give me advice, maybe even sympathize for me a little bit. And maybe dad’s right, maybe if i keep trying really really hard, it will happen. And the thought makes me feel like I’m on fire. Yeah, so today’s been pretty good, because you know what they say, life’s a game, take it day by day. And while I am still in this positive state of mind I will say Au Revoir, ;]

wow. today was CRAZY. Me and my mom were at Home Depot,  and then this huge lightning bolt struck and this car alarm went off. I started screaming “OHMIGOD! IT HIT A CAR!” and then my mom started yelling: “HOLY CRAP! THAT’S MY CAR!” And I was just like /whoooooaaaaa/ because earlier, I had been wishing I would get struck by lightning. Who knew that was so close to being reality? If me and my mom had decided to run out in the rain, I could be dead right now. I guess you know what they say, be careful what you wish for. This all sounds very much like Alice Hoffman’s “Ice Queen” but anyways, this whole incident kind of reminded me of something I’d otherwise forgotten. And now that I recall it, I’d have to say it was one of the scariest moments of my life. I was about 5ish? and it was raining very hard, just like today and i was with my dad in the garden department of Home Depot. And there was a suspicious person loose in the building. My dad went to go get the car and i waited by the gate. This was right before they started locking all the doors. So I got locked in, and my dad was out there. And I started crying… They let me out when my dad came up, but it was still pretty scary without him there…

 Well, I’ve got to jet. :\ My dad’s moving the TV/PS2 here into the den with the remodeling and such.

The past few nights have been torture. Last Thursday, I had a dream that I got raped while I was in a hotel, where a man forced me into the bed in his room. I talked to Courtney about it, and she told me I was over paranoid and that I needed to relax, so I did just that. But Tuesday, I had another dream that someone was following me. On Wednesday, I had another dream that someone came into my house when no one was home. Last night was the worst. I had a dream that I was getting dressed, and there was someone in my closet, he jumped out at me and pinned me to the floor. I woke up hyperventilating around 1 in the morning. I was so relieved when I realized it was just a dream. I got up, checked my closet and shut the door, I went to the Living Room to make sure my dad was still asleep on the couch, he was so I ran back into my room and buried myself in my sheets. I finally fell back asleep at about 3 in the morning to have the same dream greet me. Except this time, my dad walked in in the middle of it, but the man who was pinning me down said: ‘There’s nothing you can do to help her’ and my dad left the room and closed the door and I started screaming. I woke up at 6 or so, and checked the closet and couch again, then went back to my bed, but I couldn’t fall asleep. At 6:30 I turned on the TV and at about 7 my dad woke up (I was so relieved the night was over). I’m afraid to go to sleep at night, and I’m even worse during the day. I constantly look behind me, I stay close to my dad in public places, and I don’t leave the house unless I have to. I start to hyperventilate whenever someone accidentally bumps into me or when my dad gets out of eye vision. I usually don’t take dreams so seriously, but I have a really bad feeling about this. It’s like a premonition, and I’m scared to death. It doesn’t help that there have been 2 rapes on my street in the last year. And that guy, Jeremy creeps me out. It’s a 20-something year old guy that used to follow me home from the bus stop. Everyday, after school he’d follow just behind or just in front of me and Sebastian. Even Sebastian admitted it was weird how he knew everything I wore everyday. When he asked me how old I was, I actually said: ‘I don’t know’ Then I pretended someone was calling me so I took my cell out and talked to my imaginary friend, even though my phone was dead. I hated that Sebastian couldn’t walk home with me (he lives on the street in front of me). After about a month, he went away. I was so relieved. But the other day, when I was taking my dog for a walk, I saw him. I quickly turned the corner and acted like I was really busy. When I came around the other side of the street, he was sitting on the side of the road watching me! It was so scary, I was grateful I had my dog with me. It’s even worse that he knows where I live. It freaks me out.

I’m probably overreacting, but this is scaring me to death. I have the absolute worst feeling about it. If I have to stay home alone, I make sure all the doors and windows are locked, and then I sit in my room with the phone.

Every noise I hear, it’s killing me. I know I can’t do anything about it. I can’t even stand getting dressed anymore, I can’t stand looking at my body anymore, I feel like it’s already sinned.

I’m the kind of person who once they get their mind set on something, worries a lot. I know there’s like a 99% chance nothing will happen, but I just want the assurance.

Any advice out there? I’m scaring myself to the grave.

Summer’s been pretty eventful so far. :] Yesterday Di and Jesse came to visit. I helped Di with some math and then the three of us+dad went for a walk. We had a really good lunch and 3 good things came out of it. 1) Di says she wants to come up for a weekend to visit real soon. :] 2) Jesse’s thinking of buying a house down here. 3) Jesse’s giving me her old skateboard! My only complaint about the day was that Michael kept calling and yelling at Jesse telling her she better get home and all this shit then she made up some lie how she had to get home and let him into the apartment.

Jesse: head-strong, stubborn, close-minded, smart, creative. Jesse is hard to put down in a little sanriotown description. She’s pretty cool once you get to know her, but she can’t stand it unless she’s in the center stage. She thinks everything’s a conspiracy, and she overanalyzes everything.

Diana: sweet, quiet, funny, impatient. Di is nearly the opposite of Jesse. She can be quiet unless in the right circumstances, otherwise, she’s super funny and spontaneous. She loves animals, and she’d do anything to make people happy. She always puts other’s needs before her own. She always reminded me of Snow White. :] 

Today me and my mom went to the beach. I read a few pages in my book: “Learned Optomism” and I’m regaining my “summer tan” haha. Heck Yes! We were going to bring Cristina, but she baield last minute. Too bad, she missed out. I also went to Publix today and got new headphones (my kitty chewed through my other ones)

On Thursday, I’m going to Kevin’s baseball game with Courtney. We’re going to drink slurpies, rate guys’ butts, and be craft-pimps.

On Friday, Crystal’s coming over to hang out. We’ll probably play ITG and Guitar Hero no doubt. Afterwords, her mom is probably going to take us to Cobb, where I will hopefully meet up with Deven, Alyssa, and Courtney (Butter if I’m lucky <3)

I’m really excited, I have a feeling this summer is going to be amazing!

It’ll be even better when my best friend Alex gets back from China (school trip) and we can parole the neighborhood and cause mayhem. ;D

So me and Cookie broke it off. We agreed that since he was graduating it would be better if we cooled it off. We never really talked anyways, I felt like I was with a stranger when I was with. He’s the absolute opposite of what I’m looking for in a guy. I can’t say I’m geuinlly depressed, because I’m not, sure I’ll kind of miss the ncie things he said about me, but when i think about Courtney said, I think she was right, it felt like he was just feeding me lines. Summer’s a time to relax and enjoy life, and I plan to do just that.

Me and Butter have been texting back and forth all day. On the last day of school (yesterday) he left 5 minutes after he got to school, and I didn’t get a chance to say good-by. After he left, my phone started vibrating, but I figured it was Cookie texting me, so I didn’t pick up, it was actually Butter calling to say good-by! I called him back, and we talked for a few minutes before the first bell rang. Here’s how the texts followed:

Me: Hey kid! Butter: Hey wats up Me: Aw man. I wish I could’ve said good-by. Butter: i no. same here. i couldn’t find you yesterday morning. i was mad that I couldn’t say good-by but we have to hang out this summer. Me: Haha. Yea. I broke up with my bf, so me, you, lauren, and joren could hang at the mall sometime, and if ur ever in [my neighborhood], come by my house! Butter: Why? And hell yea, now I can come to the mall with you people

it goes on. but that was the most interesting.

for a while, iw as wearing my favorite pair of jeans and getting people to sign them, and Butter wrote: ‘I love you’ so sweet.

Anyways, enough about boys. My blog used to be so interesting, I used to write about life concepts and world issues, now I write just like any other teen. I will try to return to my mature state of mind. I’ve just been a little cluttered lately.

Well, today I went to an antique show. Me and my dad went over to this bench and he started talking, and he reminded me so much of Johny Nolan from a tree grows in Brooklyn, my mother actually remind sme of Katie, Johny’s wife, and my dad said I was always like Francie, the daughter. If all this is true, am I but a character in a book? If you’ve ever read A Tree Grows In Brooklyn, you know Johny dies when Francie is 14. I’ve always ahd the premonition that my dad would die young, and that I would die about 4 years after him. WIll he die next year? Is he just a character in a book? Are we all but characters in sad stories?

I think everyone’s life would make a decent story. Can you imagine? Reading everyone’s life stories? How amazing would that be?