I’m in love with to-day. It was my mom’s birthday, and my grandparents, Toni (our neighbor), and Hunter and Danny came over. Danny just got his permit so he was acting like a total bad ass as he pulled into my driveway around 1:30. I introduced them to my family and we went in and out of my room. Man, we, as friends, hit all the bases. We laughed a lot, we joked around; but we also got serious; we got emotional; Hunter started crying at one point. I could go into perfect de-tail of the six or so hours we spent to-gether, but I don’t think it’d read like much. We learned a lot about each other and I’m be-ginning to consider Hunter one of my best friends. When Danny was in my closet trying on a pair of pants he gave me back in grade 7, Hunter and I had a very serious talk. I didn’t really expect it, but he brought it up, like it’d been bothering him for a while. He asked me about one day about a week ago when I felt really sick, and my body wouldn’t stop shaking. I finally told him what had gone down, and he was totally serious with me about it, more than any of my other friends and expressed his concern. His exact words were: “You seriously had the shit scared out of me. I couldn’t stop thinking about it.” It’s kind of funny, be-cause he comes across as this sarcastic, smart-aleck kind-of kid, but when you get to know him, he’s like this super sensitive, emotional, compassionate guy. It was really cool getting the opportunity to hang out with him. And, as usual, it was amazing to see Danny who I love to pieces. :]

I think I might even go to Caroline’s house to-morrow to hang with her and Scruggs. My social life seems to be taking a very favourable turn; my parents are letting me do a lot more. I think I might make plans to hang out with Danny, Hunter and Emily (Hunter’s girlfriend) next Friday. I really want to meet Emily be-cause I think it’d be really cool if the four of us could hang out all of the time, and from what Hunter tells me, she’s a great girl!

Overall, to-day was just really nice, and I could use more days like this one.

God, physically, spiritually, emotionally, I am a complete wreck. I don’t know when or where it started, but lately, I just feel, not like myself. I guess I’ll start off with the guy some of that may be contributed to. Wow, he’s practically perfect. Everything I’ve been looking for in a guy. Sweet, emotional, sympathetic, intuitive, intelligent, curious, philosophical, spontaneous, funny, optimistic and all of that good stuff. He’s got the most beautiful green eyes you’ll ever see, and a fantastic smile. I mean, pair that with his amazing personality, and you guessed it, I’m head over heels. Holy crap, I haven’t liked anyone this much since Pumpkin. And this guy, who I’m supposing I’ll call Crow, well, I really like him a lot. And, wow, I’m surprised when he says that he feels the same. He says that I’m perfect and that I have the best personality and that I’m everything he’s been looking for in a girl, wow, enough to make any girl’s heart beat fast. We text all day, every day in that first week, he makes me laugh, he’ll text me at midnight just to say “I love you” so I have something to wake up to. Suddenly, on that monumental Thursday, I realize I’m really starting to fall for him. After Tadpole, I didn’t think I’d want a relationship for a long time, but, wow, I couldn’t never seen someone like Crow coming. So Thursday comes, and he’s not in the best of moods, which is really not fantastic. He volunteers at the camp with me and the school was going to a local water park, which I had extremely high expectations for. Unfortunately, it was pretty disappointing. “Are you okay?” Crow asks me at one point when we’re sitting cross-legged against a wall as the other volunteers go on a ride we weren’t feeling up for. “Yeah, I’m fine,” I reply. “I don’t be-lieve you,” he said. Okay, that may not read like much. But, well, I have this silly little list of everything I’m looking for in a guy. And, well, number one is: “Someone who won’t be-lieve me when I say I’m fine.” My exact words, and his exact words, and that’s the thing about Crow, everything about him just fits perfectly.

So we get back on the bus and his mood has brightened substantially. He’s laughing a lot, and flirting and being just adorable in every sense of the word. We’re sitting with Garrett, one of my favourite kids at the camp, so we’re cramped in the seat pretty tight. We’re listening to my iPod (we have insanely different tastes in music), and he puts his hand on my leg, and omigod, definitely enough to give you chills. He smiles at me, with that adorable little smile (it makes me smile just thinking about it) and everything feels right again with him. We get back to the camp, and things get even better. We’re doing everything to-gether, flirting most of the way. I’m smiling almost nonstop at this point, be-cause well, damn, I’m just awestruck at how amazing he is. When my dad calls that’s he’s on his way to pick me up, this veil of foreboding comes over me… This is the last day I’ll see Crow in a long while. I’m sure he doesn’t care as much as I do, until, as we’re walking up to the cafeteria where most of the kids are he just says, out of nowhere: “Babe, I’m really going to miss you…” I smile, that weird, awkward, little, sympathetic smile I give every now and then. He laughs and says: “Damn, you’re so cute.” One of the counselors asks us to get something from the supply closet so we head up there and sort through some stuff. My dad calls again, saying that he’s waiting outside. I look at Crow, and he looks at me, and I give him the best hug I’ve ever given anyone in my entire life, be-cause I have this terrible feeling like I’m never going to see him again, or at least, not see him like this anymore. And then I just look at him, all tired and sorry-looking and we start kissing.

Wow, that kiss, words can’t even describe it. It was probably one of the most magical things I’ve ever felt. Like, only kiss I’ve ever had where I still get chills thinking about it, three days later.

Afterwards, we’re texting like we always do. And he agrees that it was the single most amazing kiss of his life. He says how he can’t wait to see me again and all that sort of stuff.  Feeling happy and optimistic, I say good night. He tells me to have beautiful dreams and that he loves me, and I fall asleep with that fluttery feeling like everything’s going to get better.

The next morning, there’s no message to wake up to. No “I love you”, no “good morning sunshine”, nothing even of the sort. Wait, no, actually, let’s tell it like it is, there’s nothing at all. I figure he’s busy, out and about with his friends and stuff, so I just disregard it and go to work. Butter’s there to-day and we hang and just have an amazing time, be-cause, well, he’s my best friend and we always do, and he helps me sort through emotions like this, be-cause he’s my go-to guy when it comes to advice in areas like this.

I go to sleep, disappointed, knowing Crow didn’t talk to me all day…

The next day’s even worse, I finally get something about 3 in the afternoon, and from there, it all goes downhill. It just seems like he doesn’t care at all anymore.

Dillon, a friend from work, makes me feel insanely shitty about it, saying I fall too fast. Which I know is true, but I hate it when people act like they know me oh so well. I ended up upsetting him, (wow, screw me) and now I’m just sitting here wanting to take back this whole summer be-cause it’s been one giant mistake.

It’s incredible how quickly everything changes in this house hold… One second, I’m totally pepped up for the upcoming week. Be-cause, well, let’s face it, I’m a genuinely optimistic person, and be-cause next week holds so much promise. But everything’s a shade of gray in this house, where no one really knows where anyone else stands on any issue one way or another. And everyone is indecisive about their feelings and emotions and can’t keep a set mood for more than ten minutes… It’s a terrible, twisted, confusing, surreal way to live, and I truly hate it. Being unsure all of the time, not knowing who to trust or who to be-lieve or what to say…and what to keep hidden.  The lines and boundaries of everything are foggy and blurred, and you can’t be sure if what you see is what you get… In fact, that’s the only thing you can be sure of… That you can’t, in fact, be sure of anything.

And it breaks my heart. That these people I supposedly “care about” and “love like no other”, make my head spin and my heart beat fast like this. And not in the fluttery, perfection-of-the-moment sense, in the way where I want to tear it out be-cause it’s pounding up and against my chest and making everything hurt and feel wrong and out of place…

And I feel like I should be over this by now. I should expect it, and just deal with it… But it gets me, EVERY time. And I don’t know what to do about it. I just get quiet and walk on tip toes, but they yell at that too. They say that everything I do is wrong, and everything I am is incorrect. But the worst part, goddammit, the worst part? Is when they say what I be-lieve in is wrong.

Which gets to me. It hurts. They tell me how foolish I am. And I feel it now too. I feel like my motto in life, my purpose, no longer has a place here. They say that I’m selfish. And I say I just want to help people. And she laughs, and he musters a huff. And I feel small, and helpless, and want to get away be-fore things get worse. Be-cause the cut on my face still hurts, and it re-minds me of how things get if I’m not careful. 

So I nod and “mhmm” my way out of it. But they’re persistent. And eventually all of the words I utter feel empty and useless so I just stop. Things get messy be-tween me and him but I extinguish the flames by backing out and away. By closing my mouth and biting down the words that burn my tongue.

And I want to-morrow to be good. Be-cause, well, thanks to a lot of factors, it should be an amazing week. Some fun trips, seeing my babies at the camp, that cute new guy I’m taking an interest in, me and my best friend hanging out for days on end… Everything should be looking up. But then I re-member where I come from and the future looks bleak, like an unfurling canvas of dark that swallows you whole.

And then spits you out be-cause you taste bitter…

But then where are you?

When you catch your breath and look around… where the hell are you?

Today was an absolutely beautiful day.

I had to wake up early this morning to go have breakfast with my grandparents. Boy, my grandparents are really amazing people. My grandpa has this magical look to him, like any second he’ll ask you what you want for your first wish. He’s a magnificent story teller, the way he talks; it makes the words come to life. I could listen to him tell me stories all day. He’s somewhat quiet, and he looks like a strange character to the outsider. I’m sure, you know, with his white hair and his tan skin and those blue-silver eyes, like my dad’s.

My grandmother is so much the opposite. She wears this beautiful jewelry and extravagant sweaters and this bright pink lipstick that just yells at you: “never forget me”. She is one of the sweetest women you will ever meet. She can be undeniably pushy, but it’s what is so charming about her. She’ll whisper to the waitress to bring my grandpa extra grape jelly because he really loves it, but he won’t ask for it (like I said, he’s quiet, and he just wants to please everyone). She’s also super-friendly, even to people she’s just met. For instance, when we were in the small store connected to the restaurant, she led us to this hand lotion display and before I could even say anything, she had grabbed my hand and squirted some in telling me how wonderful it was and how good it smelled. When the manager walked by, she summoned her to her side and without even asking put some into the manager’s hand and started telling /her/ how great it was. She offered some to the stock boy (“Marcus” she called him by his name tag, acting like she’d known him for years) but he politely declined. And you’d think no one could get away with that right? Wrong. Once you see my grandmother’s smile, it will just about melt your heart and you just want to ask for more hand lotion even though you really don’t want any. And that’s what’s so funny about her; she’s slightly irritating sometimes, but it is absolutely impossible to be upset with her, because she is just so sweet and she wants to help everyone. Some people say I’m a lot like my grandmother. I don’t know about that, especially since she can be a total neat freak; and me, well, I prefer an organized mess to a pine-fresh bedroom any day.

Overall, breakfast was totally pleasant. Before we went home, me and my mother went to this quaint little fruit stand in the middle of no where. They have the best darn Orange Juice in all of
Florida, and boy do I really love OJ. That’s one of the things I really admire about my mother. She knows about all these little places the average never knew existed.

Once we got home, my dad took my out to do some chores. First we went to the gas station and I just exclaimed pretty randomly “I really could go for some ice cream!” And he, being this amazingly go-with-the-flow dad replied: “well, you got paid yesterday, go get some!”

As I’ve said, I really love orange juice so I was sort of looking for an orange popsicle, the closest they had was pineapple so I got that. I smiled at the man working behind the counter and bid him a fair morning. He smiled back and told me to enjoy my ice cream. It really tasted like crap, but it was somewhat refreshing so I held onto it until me and my dad got to the Blockbuster. There was nothing of interest there so we went right to the bookstore. Apparently my dad found nothing there either so we went straight to the library.

I ended up checking out six books. Two were about Louie Armstrong for my history report.  Two were about the best careers for colleges (I think it’s ridiculous that after 8-10 years of college the entrance level salary for a marine biologist is only 49,000!) And the final was a book called “Triumph over Shyness”. Now, don’t get the wrong idea, I am probably the least-inhibited person you will ever meet. I mean, I’m not arrogant or anything, and I get social butterflies just as much as the next person but I still like to think of myself as a pretty friendly person. I mostly got it because I become interested in really random things sometimes (usually having to do with psychology). Also, though, because I have a friend, Spencer, who is really cool, but freakishly shy! To the point where I can barely have a conversation with him in public. He’s gotten a lot better since I first met him last year, and I can tell he’s really trying, but I’d really love to help him out a bit! (The book mostly says things like Smile, Remember Names, Use Small Talk, Give Compliments; that kind of stuff)

My dad got his book on the physics of superheroes (hehe!) and we left.

We went to this whacky Tex-Mex place for lunch where I got a vegetarian burrito and analyzed over my several job options (as my dad says, never too early to start looking!) I took the
Holland test, for the second time in my life. My artistic score was still the highest, followed by my investigative (ability to solve problems and come up with unique solutions) score and then my social (dealing with people) score. Close behind that was my realistic (ability to work with your hands and solve everyday problems) score. Close to none were my enterprising (business and CEO crap) and conventional (secretary-ish stuff) scores. There are lots of jobs I’m interested in, mostly, though I’ve still pretty much got my heart set on Marine Biology (since Kindergarten, ;D). On the back burner, however, is theever-persistant
High School Literature Teacher / Creative writer, and a new something, Optometry. I doubt I’d ever go through with being an eye doctor, but it caught my interest, which is pretty hard to do.

I would’ve liked to stay longer and read through all of my new books, especially since the weather was a perfect 79 degrees, but my dad was in a hurry.

From there, we ran from place to place, pretty boring so I won’t make you sit through it.

And I doubt this day comes across as a great day, but it really was one of my best days in a while… Shows how low my standards are.

My mother got me upset sometime in mid-afternoon, but it’s not like that isn’t an everyday occurrence. She was having a good day too, apparently, because she only hurt my feelings once and, whoa, I think it actually may have been unintentional.

Plus, I get to go fishing with my grandpa and dad next Sunday! I never get to spend time with my dad since he works so much, and like I said, my grandpa is absolutely wonderful. I haven’t been fishing in so long!

And I love the ocean. God, it takes me breath every time. I hope I can jump into the water when we’re in the middle of the ocean. I doubt my dad will let me, but, boy would I enjoy that.

When I have a family, I’m going to buy a boat and take them fishing at least once a month.

And I’ll let them jump into the water if they want to.

Sorry I’ve been gone. I got my laptop taken away, but I’m back now (at least for the moment).

Well, I spent Friday night with Tadpole at a football game.

He’s like a super ninja (brown belt in Tae Kwan Do or something) so I kept wanting to test his capabilities, or mine, a little of both. So I kept insisting he do some awesome little ninja move on me, but he refused, saying it was “against his morals” or whatever. So I harassed him all night. Sometimes he’d give in and just do something dumb, that hurt for a second (like cracking my wrist, or finger or shoulder) and I just wanted to see how much I could take, but I could tell he wasn’t trying very hard which just got me more and more pissed.

And he just kept asking me if I was one of those creepy people that liked pain. And I told him I wasn’t, and tried to explain it. That I just like to push myself to the limits to see how strong I am or how much I can take.

But he didn’t get it.

And then he asked me if I was depressed and about suicide and all that kinda stuff and if he should be worried about me. It was weird, because not a whole lot of people worry about me, and it was kind of weird that he saw through me a little. And it was a little scary, because, a part of me could tell he knew. But then most of me is like, well if he knew how fragile I was, he wouldn’t be so insensitive, unless he just doesn’t care at all, because that could be a possibility.

And I put it briefly: “I’m happy about 95% of the time. And you’ve never really seen me really depressed. Trust me, you’ll know when you see it. I think committing suicide is for cowards, and that living is the greatest punishment.”

At this point, he sort of turns away from me and looks at the smoke that’s trailing through the air in the bright stadium light. I couldn’t tell if he was thinking about what I’d said, or if he just didn’t feel like talking about it. Then he told me to look at the moon, and we both just sat there staring at it.

I didn’t tell him this, but I was giving him a load of crap. The honest truth is, I’m usually more sad than happy. Or, as I’ve said before, maybe not sad, but thoughtful, almost to the point of mental instability, because I can see the pathetic state our society is in, and the horrible place I’ll be soon. Or because I can see things other people can see. I’m particularly good with seeing the bad intention in people, and I have no trouble telling when someone’s being fake, or lying, or when they’re secretly judging me. If I had to put it to a percentage, I’d say I’m truly happy about 10% of the time; but I’m good at covering it up so most people can’t tell. And as I wrote in my diary, I haven’t been honestly, a long-term sort of happy in about more than a year now. Maybe the temporary kind of happy, the kind that lasts like an hour, or just pure content, but I’ve really had nothing to be happy about in a while. And I guess that’s just setting me up for something good. Because the sun always looks brighter after a long night. Right? I didn’t tell Tadpole that I think about suicide a lot, but mostly about what would happen, because I contemplate the possibilities too much. About how certain people would react, how it’d be a big deal, for a moment, before people would move on. Because I doubt there’s someone who cares about me so much that they would be hung up about my death their whole life.

Even if you really love someone, eventually you’ll get over it.

I think we underestimate the potential in people’s ability to deal with grief.

And even so, I could tell Tadpole really doesn’t get me. Maybe not yet. Maybe I should just give him more time, because he’s the best thing that’s happened to me in a while and I’d hate to lose another person just because they don’t understand how I work. Which is a pretty challenging feat all on it’s own. But even so, sometimes Tadpole just makes me feel like crap, which isn’t good. I bet he doesn’t even mean it, but like I said, I don’t really think he understands how sensitive I am. Most people don’t, because I act all tough like I can handle anything, and I pretend not to ever let anything get to me.

And it’s funny, the difference between the person I pretend to be and the person I actually am. I always play myself up to be this head-strong, stubborn, nothing-gets-to-her sort of girl, who doesn’t give a crap about anything, who’s spontaneous and fun loving and is always happy and smiling, who’s comical and loud and makes other people laugh.

When really, I think I worry too much, and I over-analyze people’s intentions. Every little word, every little touch, it all means something to me. I’ve got a good perception about what people think about other people; which is fun to play around with, but scary at the same time, because I can tell when people hate me and are still acting like my friend. In actuality, I care a great deal about what other people think about me, and I need a lot of stability from my friends since I don’t have much at home. I don’t trust anyone enough to tell them what I’m thinking, so if people really want to get in my head, they should realize the kind of stories I write are a pretty good look into my head. After all, everything I write comes directly from my fears, and desires, and just my life experiences in general. But no one cares enough about me to look into these sort of these things, because I think if they delved deeper into my persona, they’d be a little startled, and a little surprised by the person they would find.

Which is funny, I wonder how many people out there are like me, when they’re really dieing inside, but they’re afraid of what people think of them, so they pretend to be someone else. It’s subconscious for me. And it gives literal meaning to the term “second nature”. I bet there’s not a whole lot of people like that, or, at least not to the extremity I believe I possess. But I’m sure they’re out there.

It’s strange.

Tadpole’s pretty quiet about these sort of things, I wonder if he’s as simple as he plays himself up to be. I can tell he thinks about things though, because I’ve seen him in a philosophical state once or twice before, and I can tell he’s pretty smart, even though he usually denies it.

What if I’m the one who should be worrying about him?

And then two more people come to my mind.

My friend, whom I walk home with everyday, is generally very thoughtful, and I can tell he’s a genius, really, he is. Sometimes he’ll let me in on his small, yet very large, life theories, and they always fascinate me. And he likes being alone, and I wonder, what is he thinking?

Is he sad too?

There’s also my friend who I always think is so happy. But I pay attention to the things she says. I pay very careful attention to her dreams, and thoughts and the way she acts, and I fear there is something deeper to her that she hasn’t let anyone in on yet.

But, I can see it in her.

Like I’ve said, I’m very good at these sort of things.

And I wonder,

Is anyone thinking the same thing about me?

Guessing that, perhaps, there is something deeper to me too? I’m curious if Tadpole wonders these sort of things. He was very close Friday, but he backed away right before he broke through.

Does he know better?

Or not know enough to know better yet?

Hey, I haven’t been blogging much, mostly because lately I’ve been keeping a diary (well, mostly because boy mentioned below, who I will call Diamond [majorly because he wants a nifty nickname and I’m looking at a tree right now which reminds me of Green which reminds me of the book Green Angel, which remind me of Diamond…]) And like I’ve said before, I can never really keep both a blog and a diary going at the same time, and no one’s really commented on my last few posts anyways but I’ll do my best to fill you in.

 Well, starting with Diamond, I haven’t talked to him a whole lot, only occasionally and on a strict “friend” basis. Which is sort of poo, because he added a little excitment to my evenings.

Moving on, Lauren (my best friend everrrrrrrrrr)’s birthday is today. We’re celebrating it tomorrow, by going to the mall. Her mom works right next to the mall, so she’s going to drop us off, come by on lunch break to eat with us and then leave again for work. It will be really fun. :]

Today is a little exciting and a little dissappointing. But before I can go into it, I must tell you about my latest object of affection. I think I’ve mentioned him once or twice, so I might as well nickname him Tadpole (:D) Well, Tadpole is pretty funny, actually he’s really funny, and he’s a musical genious. Blue eyes, curly brown hair, skinny and decently cute. Well, I told him he could come over today to fix my drumset (like I said, he’s a music guru, and my hi-hat’s broken, so he said he’d come over, fix it, and go ahead and tune it). But he agreed, and I sent him the details via email. Of course, right after, he began to pretend to be mad at me, which got me a little mad, because now I have to wait another week to get my drums fixed. >:[. So he’s a no-show, demonstrating the dissappointed air of this blog. However, we do have company over (my grandparents and my dad’s best friend John) so my mom made lots of good food and stuff. I’ve sort of thrown myself in here though. It’s funny, my mom said Lauren could come over but I put a good amount of faith in Tadpole. Oh well. It’s just a little awkward when it’s one kid and five 50+ adults. But I do like Tadpole, actually a great deal. He’s funny, random, musical, sweet and just overall fun to be around.

But then there’s Pumpkin. I slap myself on the wrist for still liking him, but I can’t really get over it. Him and his girlfriend broke up, but I don’t have any classes with him, so it’s hard to find an excuse to talk to him. I’m going ask Tyler if he wants to hang out with me and Deven (or someone) and ask Pumpkin if he would like to tag along. I just miss talking to him. A lot. And it hurts a lot, because I know it’s only wishful thinking. But, and anyone, even those who don’t support it, can back me up on this. Me and Pumpkin do in fact have a lot in common. The way we act, the way we present ourselves, our music, our attitude, or perspective on life. But Caroline said it first, Maybe we have too much in common? So that it could possibly become a chore? I’m not sure about that.

I’m not sure what else to talk about, but a whole lot has happened since the last time I blogged. I’ll try to blog at least once a week now, but no promises.

<3

I feel pretty dissapointed in myself tonight. And I hate myself for complaining about it, but I need to write it down somewhere before I forget what I’m feeling. That boy I talked about in below post? We’ve been talking a bit on AIM, but mostly awkward one-liners like Hey, How are you? Or something along those lines. And I was thinking, wow, he’s really trying hard, maybe soemthing good will work out for me?

But evident by his blog (hmm) it’s not like that. I don’t want to go into it. It’s nothing that cut my heart open and tore out my soul nothing as dramatic. Besides, I’ve never even met this kid.

But it got me thinking, maybe too much. I sort of hate it when I get my hopes up like this. And I was thinking about all the times I’ve been let down by people whom I figured to be important. Everyone’s let me down at least once, sometimes unintentionally, and other times completely on purpose. Why do I even trust people anymore? There’s obviously no point in it.

And somehow he stumbled upon my last blog post, thanks a lot Deven. And I really hope he won’t end up reading this one. This is my quiet place. The only quiet place, the only sanctuary I can find in this crazy, not-so-real world.

And I hate that I got so excited for yet another thing that did not work out for me.

And for some reason he still wants to hang out with me. I hope he’s not sympathizing for me. Right now, I don’t even want to leave the house. It’s like when everyone’s looking you up and down like they know something. And you don’t even know what it is? I want to forget about him, bury it. I can’t even be myself around him because I’m so nervous. Why am I so nervous? For what? There’s  nothing to be nervous for. I’m just like him in that way. We’re both human beings. We both tell our mom and dad good night and roll around in bed a while before falling asleep. Dreaming maybe? It seems impossible, but we’re all connected in that way.

We’re all alike.

But we’re all different.

I just really hate that I thought, even after I was so blatantly ignored by Pumpkin I could find someone special in a day?

Sure.

Because that always happens for me.

I was being fesecious if you couldn’t tell.

I don’t want to talk anymore, because I’m getting more and more mad as I write and I don’t want to boil over.

Boil over,

I haven’t done that in a while. But I’m so mad at myself right now. So dissappointed that I could be so stupid.

And I hate it even more that I’m complaining! I want to be the one who I pretend to be. Who’s always happy, and makes people smile. Because isn’t that my purpose? To make people happy? I’m less sure every day. I seem to be doing it a lot less lately. I seem to just give them more problems.

And maybe that’s why I don’t believe in anything anymore?

Because I’m afraid I’ll get hurt again?

My stupid ego. I hate it sometimes.

I want to start over so badly. Move somewhere and change my name where no one knows me and I can be someone new? How nice that would be. And I don’t even mind calling myself a coward. Because I’m running away, I tend to do that when my problems become to intricate to figure out. Run away from the problem. Forget about it. Bury it.

And I’m slowly graduating to boiling point. So I need to leave and take a breather before I do something dumb.

Today was horrible. Usually I censor everything on my blog because i don’t want people from school to read it and think i’m crazy, or fishing for compliments or anything, but today sucked so badly, I just want to bang my head into the wall.

It started off yesterday, when I began a new episode of paranoia, or maybe not so much paranoia as actuality. My friends were all leaving me behind, the ones that did still talk to me only did so because they needed or wanted soemthing, or because they felt they had to. A hug isn’t a hug unless you truly mean it. So it was yesterday I started to realize, man, I don’t have a true friend, it’s because I’m not good enough? That’s what I was honestly doubting. I don’t like being wrong, so I began to blame other people again. Oh, they’ve just been busy, or maybe something’s going on with them that I don’t know about… And I wasn’t sure what to make of it.

 But today was icing on the cake.

I was walking with Kyle to lunch, and his loser little friends walked up. “Omigod! Is that you’re girlfriend?” (Wow, what morons) So Kyle thought it’d be funny to say yes. So they started freaking out and one of his buds (the blond one) was like: “oh well, you’re girlfriend’s really ugly…” I turned around and yelled: “Excuse me? You know I’m right here in ear shot right? You could give me a hell of a lot more respect since I’m old enough to be your babysitter!” And he put up his hands like I was about to hit him and said, “No offense” Oh really? Really? No offense? How could I /possibly/ take that personally? So I ditched Kyle and went and sat with Lauren and Deven who were in deep converse (who 2 months ago couldn’t look at eachother without spitting on the other’s shoes). I sat down and felt a little ignored but tried to let it go. I should be happy my two besties were getting along right? So we all went in line and I was so right depressed I just sat down with Crystalyn at the table next to the lunch line. And I expected for Lauren and Deven to come and get me after they got their food right? They came, said Hi to everyone at the table, and left. Left, so sick. My two supposed best friends. But the two prettiest girls in school /first/. So I felt a little forgotten, you know? And I didn’t really belong at that table, and I didn’t belong with Lauren and Deven. So where was I supposed to go? Half of me wanted to call my mom and tell her to take me home. But the other half knew that was dumb. She’s worse than all my problems put together. So I roughed it out. Like a rickety little boat on the skirts of a hurricane. And it sucks.

And after lunch I was still a little mad. i thought Tyler was going to cheer me up, make me feel better. But when he saw I wasn’t Deven or Lauren, he blatantly ignored me. Looked me right in the eye, and cut me off but didn’t say a word.

And I saw Pumpkin after 4th hour, and usually that makes me feel a hell of a lot better. But he just yelled at me because I didn’t come get him out of his 2nd hour like I said I would (and I tried!) and when I was talking with him, he sped ahead and talked louder, draining out my voice. So I continued quietly to 5th hour. From there on in, things were okay. Nothing else horrible happened.

 And it wasn’t all that horrible, just the concept of horrible.

Overall, today, genuinally, sincerely and truly sucked.

My life’s sort of been on a tight rope lately. Some days are just so amazing. And then the next I slip into a funk. This afternoon I was just so happy. I was literally giving off light. Everyone around me smiled because I was just so happy. I was like a little ball of energy. And what was there to be upset about anyways? Crystal came over, we set up my drumset, we jammed, we had fun. I even got to see Pumpkin today, at an assembly, I saw him, and I’m not sure if he saw me. I even got a 97 on my history test. Overall, today was good. Even when my mom got mad, nothing could bring me down. It was the eternal happiness a small part of me wanted.

But yesterday, yesterday was the pits. I was talking to my friend Taylor on the bus, and some how I began rambling on and on about Pumpkin. And it got me so sad. He’d say: “He’s not that good-looking, he probably would’ve gone out with you.” And I just wanted to bang my head on the window. Yes he is! I wanted to yell. He’s the most beautiful person I’ve ever seen! He’s a genious! He’s genuine! He’s perfect. Jon says: “I was pretty sure he liked you last year.” And I held back the tears, because I knew they were lieing! They didn’t want to tell me I could never have him! They didn’t want to say, you’re not smart enough, you’re not nice enough, you’re not pretty enough. They thought I’d have a mental breakdown. And I was so close too! But I thought to myself, just be calm, just be calm, they don’t know what you’re feeling, and they don’t know Pumpkin at all. I eventually cooled down. Walking home in the rain because you’re mom was too lazy to come pick you up (she was watching TV when I got home) can do that. I figure, maybe I’ll meet someone spectacular this year. But I’ve sort of given up on the idea. I’m not good enough yet. Crystal says that in high school there are tons of cute, smart guys. And for that I sincerely hope! I’ve been in this Pumpkin trap for nearly a year. It’s time for a change of scenery.

 Isn’t that weird? I didn’t realize until I posted this, that I’ve been blogging like clockwork (every Friday) hmm, my body is so routine (told you I hate change) I won’t be able to blog as much when school starts but I’ll do my darndest. :]

So I went and got my schedule today (mannn, school starts monday :D)

 1 History

2 Student Aide

3 Band (:P)

4 Language Arts

5 Geometry

6 Science

 It’s so different. I really hate change…and I’m scared. What if I don’t have any classes with my friends? I know I don’t have any with Deven or Alyssa. Lauren hasn’t said yet. Thank God I have 2 classes with Courtney (I think I get to Student-Aide with her (fun fun fun)), and I have Geometry with Cristina (that means we’ll probably be sitting next to eachother because our last names are so close. :]) What if I don’t have any with Pumpkin? Or Lauren? Or Tyler? Or Caroline? (The list is endless) I saw Pumpkin today… He was with one of my friends. They were kind of across the courtyard. So my friend, being lazy, called out my name and waved (he didn’t look real happy to see me) After I waved back, Pumpkin decided he’d wave to me too. It sounds so sincere, but it made my heart go bu-bump. I haven’t seen him in about 3 months and I was wondering if all the magic would come back when I saw him. It’s too early to tell now…

I was just wondering. Which do you think would be a worst situation? (A little random) having a dad who you knew never loved you, or losing a father who you knew loved you very much? I think having a dad who didn’t love you would be absolutely terrible. Me and my dad are very close, and I can’t imagine losing him. But it would be worse if he lived forever and we hated eachother. Just a thought.