The only way to describe how I’m feeling right now is scared. No other word fits or feels comfortable and correct there. I’m scared for my family, I’m scared for my friends, for a change, I’m even scared for myself. My mind keeps going to that dark place I try and keep it away from, and I can’t stop myself from worrying. I feel anxious and apprehensive about everything. My fucking hands won’t stop shaking.

I keep trying to get my mind off of everything. Usually going to work is enough to do that for me. I’ve been at St. John’s for almost a year now and I really love it there. To-day, I threw myself into my work, turned off my phone and went at it, full boar, crying a lot of the time. But it didn’t work. I couldn’t get any of it off my brain.

First of all, things with Crow are just getting worse and worse. Not only did I find out he had Mercer Disease (http://mercerdisease.org/) (not a big deal for me, but it’s still something I feel like I kind of should’ve known about especially since he’s had it for a few months now) , I also am be-ginning to think he likes one of my best friends, Lauren. Justin and I were talking about it, and I actually started tearing up. I don’t cry in front of people. Ever. I held it back, but he felt bad and didn’t know what to say. Like, this thing with Crow has gone on too long. I want to get over it and move on, but I feel like I can’t leave something this perfect, just, well, sitting here. It’s like leaving half way through a really good movie. You just can’t do it without looking back over your shoulder at least once.

And things with my best friend, Butter, and I are not good. He wants to get back to-gether with this dead end girl who totally broke his heart. We’ve been fighting a lot lately. I’m not telling him what to do, only listing the pros and cons (but mostly the cons) about being with her, but he doesn’t seem to care. Did I mention she hates me? Yeah. It’s like he’s just willing to throw away our friendship. Not cool man.

I’m sure I could have put this more eloquently, but I’m feeling so anxious and jittery now I can barely formulate correct words. I literally typed this in like five minutes, all the thoughts are racing through my head at an otherworldly pace and I can feel my breath speeding up with it.

Goddammit, I shouldn’t be scared, about any of this, or nervous or whatever but I can’t help it. I’m fucking terrified of where this is all headed.

It’s completely ridiculous how often I think of and about him. I’ve never let anything bother me like this. Maybe it’s be-cause I see his face everywhere I go. In the hallway; be-hind a closed door; in every hope and in every dream… The bottom of every wishing well and the flame to every birthday candle…

He’s in the face of that boy in my writing class and in the girl I pass in the street. And he’s in the voice of my friends when they tell me that it’s not worth pursuing.

But I just can’t get over it. Every unimportant, miniscule thought crawls back to him, on ghostly haunches begging for just one more memory… and it hurts in knowing it may not happen.

Be-cause he’s just too far away now. Like a dream… where I can close my eyes and he’s here again; sitting with me on that bus to nowhere with his eyes closed in ecstasy; hiding under playgrounds laughing when he falls asleep with his head in my lap; concealed in a hidden alcove in the supplies closet talking about everything… But when I open my eyes, poof, he’s gone again. With no mark in time or proof that he had ever been… I miss his smile most. And his eyes. Those beautiful green eyes I could lose and find myself in. Those eyes that stare into your soul and those eyes that you can fall into if you come too close or approach too quickly.

It’s terrifying what he means; what he re-presents. I’m not even exactly sure what it is. I imagine something ominous and nauseating. But I be-lieve I’m too cowardly to attempt to sort through these waves of emotions that consume me. I’m so afraid of what may come from it. What startling realization, what hollow epiphany that changes everything… I just can’t figure it out. What’s so special about him? What separates him from the rest of the world? What gives him that power to completely control and manipulate my heart? Who gave him this ability? Why can’t I just move on and find someone new? It seems only legitimate considering all of the times he’s hurt me. Left me with all of these questions that sting my stomach and this uncertainty that keeps nagging at my lungs…

I just can’t stop re-membering who’s in-side. That guy that when I de-scribe to my friends say: “wow, he sounds like everything you’re looking for,” and I can only close my eyes and try to chase away the foreboding feeling like this is my one shot at really caring about someone.

And it feels like it’s slipping through my fingertips.

It sort of just sunk in at lunch to-day. Holy shit. To-morrow I start high school. This summer felt infinite and endless, like God would put it on loop or something. And I keep imagining I’m going to stay up late watching cheesy game shows, and wake up at exactly 6:45 with no definite plans for the day. Where I can wander be-tween my piano and guitar and go on spontaneous bike rides to nowhere. This summer was weird as anything, sure, that’s a given, but it was insightful. I learned a lot. I think I grew up a little bit too. Which isn’t necessarily a bad or good thing. I’m still really young, so it wasn’t any mandatory “coming-of-age” or whatever, and yeah, I’ve still got a hell of a lot to learn.

But, hey, I got a head start. :]

Well, I know my schedule, and I’m going to tell you now, it’s be-yond perfect:

1.       Pre-AP biology

2.       Pre-AP English

3.       Gym

4.       Algebra II

5.       World Cultures Honours

6.       AP Environmental Sciences

7.       Creative Writing

I really think I’ll get a kick out of the creative writing class. Be-cause I love writing, sure, but also be-cause I’m so curious to the sort of people I’ll meet. I’m hoping they’re passionate people, like me, but I have a feeling the class will be composed of two sorts of people. 1. The kind who took it as a cheese class for an easy A to raise their GPA. And 2. The kind who thinks it gives them scene kudos or indie points. :O Like, I’m terrified I’m going to walk in and everyone will be wearing all black with eyeliner running down their face writing poetry about how much life sucks.

Be-sides that, everything seems as though it’ll work out pretty rad. All of my close friends (Katy, Danny, Justin, Brie and Spencer) are all going there. And basically all of my other friends excusing those younger than me, Ari and Lamb are all along for the journey. :] Unfortunately, I don’t have any classes with my bestie Katy, and I probably won’t with Danny, Justin or Brie, but I have a good feeling I’ll have at least one with Spencey. :]

Haha, we’ll see. :3

God, physically, spiritually, emotionally, I am a complete wreck. I don’t know when or where it started, but lately, I just feel, not like myself. I guess I’ll start off with the guy some of that may be contributed to. Wow, he’s practically perfect. Everything I’ve been looking for in a guy. Sweet, emotional, sympathetic, intuitive, intelligent, curious, philosophical, spontaneous, funny, optimistic and all of that good stuff. He’s got the most beautiful green eyes you’ll ever see, and a fantastic smile. I mean, pair that with his amazing personality, and you guessed it, I’m head over heels. Holy crap, I haven’t liked anyone this much since Pumpkin. And this guy, who I’m supposing I’ll call Crow, well, I really like him a lot. And, wow, I’m surprised when he says that he feels the same. He says that I’m perfect and that I have the best personality and that I’m everything he’s been looking for in a girl, wow, enough to make any girl’s heart beat fast. We text all day, every day in that first week, he makes me laugh, he’ll text me at midnight just to say “I love you” so I have something to wake up to. Suddenly, on that monumental Thursday, I realize I’m really starting to fall for him. After Tadpole, I didn’t think I’d want a relationship for a long time, but, wow, I couldn’t never seen someone like Crow coming. So Thursday comes, and he’s not in the best of moods, which is really not fantastic. He volunteers at the camp with me and the school was going to a local water park, which I had extremely high expectations for. Unfortunately, it was pretty disappointing. “Are you okay?” Crow asks me at one point when we’re sitting cross-legged against a wall as the other volunteers go on a ride we weren’t feeling up for. “Yeah, I’m fine,” I reply. “I don’t be-lieve you,” he said. Okay, that may not read like much. But, well, I have this silly little list of everything I’m looking for in a guy. And, well, number one is: “Someone who won’t be-lieve me when I say I’m fine.” My exact words, and his exact words, and that’s the thing about Crow, everything about him just fits perfectly.

So we get back on the bus and his mood has brightened substantially. He’s laughing a lot, and flirting and being just adorable in every sense of the word. We’re sitting with Garrett, one of my favourite kids at the camp, so we’re cramped in the seat pretty tight. We’re listening to my iPod (we have insanely different tastes in music), and he puts his hand on my leg, and omigod, definitely enough to give you chills. He smiles at me, with that adorable little smile (it makes me smile just thinking about it) and everything feels right again with him. We get back to the camp, and things get even better. We’re doing everything to-gether, flirting most of the way. I’m smiling almost nonstop at this point, be-cause well, damn, I’m just awestruck at how amazing he is. When my dad calls that’s he’s on his way to pick me up, this veil of foreboding comes over me… This is the last day I’ll see Crow in a long while. I’m sure he doesn’t care as much as I do, until, as we’re walking up to the cafeteria where most of the kids are he just says, out of nowhere: “Babe, I’m really going to miss you…” I smile, that weird, awkward, little, sympathetic smile I give every now and then. He laughs and says: “Damn, you’re so cute.” One of the counselors asks us to get something from the supply closet so we head up there and sort through some stuff. My dad calls again, saying that he’s waiting outside. I look at Crow, and he looks at me, and I give him the best hug I’ve ever given anyone in my entire life, be-cause I have this terrible feeling like I’m never going to see him again, or at least, not see him like this anymore. And then I just look at him, all tired and sorry-looking and we start kissing.

Wow, that kiss, words can’t even describe it. It was probably one of the most magical things I’ve ever felt. Like, only kiss I’ve ever had where I still get chills thinking about it, three days later.

Afterwards, we’re texting like we always do. And he agrees that it was the single most amazing kiss of his life. He says how he can’t wait to see me again and all that sort of stuff.  Feeling happy and optimistic, I say good night. He tells me to have beautiful dreams and that he loves me, and I fall asleep with that fluttery feeling like everything’s going to get better.

The next morning, there’s no message to wake up to. No “I love you”, no “good morning sunshine”, nothing even of the sort. Wait, no, actually, let’s tell it like it is, there’s nothing at all. I figure he’s busy, out and about with his friends and stuff, so I just disregard it and go to work. Butter’s there to-day and we hang and just have an amazing time, be-cause, well, he’s my best friend and we always do, and he helps me sort through emotions like this, be-cause he’s my go-to guy when it comes to advice in areas like this.

I go to sleep, disappointed, knowing Crow didn’t talk to me all day…

The next day’s even worse, I finally get something about 3 in the afternoon, and from there, it all goes downhill. It just seems like he doesn’t care at all anymore.

Dillon, a friend from work, makes me feel insanely shitty about it, saying I fall too fast. Which I know is true, but I hate it when people act like they know me oh so well. I ended up upsetting him, (wow, screw me) and now I’m just sitting here wanting to take back this whole summer be-cause it’s been one giant mistake.