Hey, I haven’t been blogging much, mostly because lately I’ve been keeping a diary (well, mostly because boy mentioned below, who I will call Diamond [majorly because he wants a nifty nickname and I’m looking at a tree right now which reminds me of Green which reminds me of the book Green Angel, which remind me of Diamond…]) And like I’ve said before, I can never really keep both a blog and a diary going at the same time, and no one’s really commented on my last few posts anyways but I’ll do my best to fill you in.

 Well, starting with Diamond, I haven’t talked to him a whole lot, only occasionally and on a strict “friend” basis. Which is sort of poo, because he added a little excitment to my evenings.

Moving on, Lauren (my best friend everrrrrrrrrr)’s birthday is today. We’re celebrating it tomorrow, by going to the mall. Her mom works right next to the mall, so she’s going to drop us off, come by on lunch break to eat with us and then leave again for work. It will be really fun. :]

Today is a little exciting and a little dissappointing. But before I can go into it, I must tell you about my latest object of affection. I think I’ve mentioned him once or twice, so I might as well nickname him Tadpole (:D) Well, Tadpole is pretty funny, actually he’s really funny, and he’s a musical genious. Blue eyes, curly brown hair, skinny and decently cute. Well, I told him he could come over today to fix my drumset (like I said, he’s a music guru, and my hi-hat’s broken, so he said he’d come over, fix it, and go ahead and tune it). But he agreed, and I sent him the details via email. Of course, right after, he began to pretend to be mad at me, which got me a little mad, because now I have to wait another week to get my drums fixed. >:[. So he’s a no-show, demonstrating the dissappointed air of this blog. However, we do have company over (my grandparents and my dad’s best friend John) so my mom made lots of good food and stuff. I’ve sort of thrown myself in here though. It’s funny, my mom said Lauren could come over but I put a good amount of faith in Tadpole. Oh well. It’s just a little awkward when it’s one kid and five 50+ adults. But I do like Tadpole, actually a great deal. He’s funny, random, musical, sweet and just overall fun to be around.

But then there’s Pumpkin. I slap myself on the wrist for still liking him, but I can’t really get over it. Him and his girlfriend broke up, but I don’t have any classes with him, so it’s hard to find an excuse to talk to him. I’m going ask Tyler if he wants to hang out with me and Deven (or someone) and ask Pumpkin if he would like to tag along. I just miss talking to him. A lot. And it hurts a lot, because I know it’s only wishful thinking. But, and anyone, even those who don’t support it, can back me up on this. Me and Pumpkin do in fact have a lot in common. The way we act, the way we present ourselves, our music, our attitude, or perspective on life. But Caroline said it first, Maybe we have too much in common? So that it could possibly become a chore? I’m not sure about that.

I’m not sure what else to talk about, but a whole lot has happened since the last time I blogged. I’ll try to blog at least once a week now, but no promises.

<3

If I gave up everything,

That makes people upset,

That hurts them,

Would I still be lonely?

Still in exile?

Disliked?

What would life be like if I wasn’t hear?

If I found a way to

Disappear?

Would someone be hurt?

Would some cry for me?

Would someone ask where I was?

Lost at sea?

Or drowning in insufficiency?

The sun would rise,

The moon would fade.

All but I would be the same.

Tired, lonely, confused.

Wandering.

Aimlessly.

Yet unwavering.

Waiting for the weather to change.

Hoping for a sip of water,

Through the rain which never ends…

Asleep forever in existence,

But too awake to give way…

I am caught somewhere between,

Like a tide which cannot change.

Going one way,

But wishing another.

The path I walk.

The one I choose to walk.

Alone.

Am I even going in the right direction?

Am I even moving at all?

And I walk just to say I’m walking.

I breathe just to say I’m breathing.

Is this the proper way to live your life?

In fear

that

Something

will change?

And I look ahead.

Down the path which I take,

Where the scenery never changes.

Unseen,

Cold

Fragile

But

Unwavering.

And it seems I am far behind everyone else.

Walking their path.

Briskly.

To be finished with it.

Complete.

I say I walk slowly because I want to enjoy life,

Because I would like not to miss a thing.

But secretly, I am just afraid.

Afraid of what is farther down the road I walk.

Where I cannot see the end.

The others are miles ahead by now.

And I stop, to smell a rose.

To appreciate a blade of grass.

To dream of the sun.

To watch the sky.

To hold the moon in my hands.

And I cannot decide if this is because I’m brave,

Or undeniably cowardly.

What am I afraid of?

What can possibly be down this road,

That I have not seen already?

This,

I fear

I do not know.

And that’s what keeps me going.

The curiosity keeps me walking.

All but that tells me to stop moving.

To lie beneath a tree,

To fall asleep.

To stay in my soft niche of grass and sky.

To never be afraid again.

And I look down the path, that everyone else has finished now.

And I wonder which outweighs which?

My stubborn nature.

The pride that wants to know all.

Or.

The scared little girl.

Who does not

Want to grow up…

I feel pretty dissapointed in myself tonight. And I hate myself for complaining about it, but I need to write it down somewhere before I forget what I’m feeling. That boy I talked about in below post? We’ve been talking a bit on AIM, but mostly awkward one-liners like Hey, How are you? Or something along those lines. And I was thinking, wow, he’s really trying hard, maybe soemthing good will work out for me?

But evident by his blog (hmm) it’s not like that. I don’t want to go into it. It’s nothing that cut my heart open and tore out my soul nothing as dramatic. Besides, I’ve never even met this kid.

But it got me thinking, maybe too much. I sort of hate it when I get my hopes up like this. And I was thinking about all the times I’ve been let down by people whom I figured to be important. Everyone’s let me down at least once, sometimes unintentionally, and other times completely on purpose. Why do I even trust people anymore? There’s obviously no point in it.

And somehow he stumbled upon my last blog post, thanks a lot Deven. And I really hope he won’t end up reading this one. This is my quiet place. The only quiet place, the only sanctuary I can find in this crazy, not-so-real world.

And I hate that I got so excited for yet another thing that did not work out for me.

And for some reason he still wants to hang out with me. I hope he’s not sympathizing for me. Right now, I don’t even want to leave the house. It’s like when everyone’s looking you up and down like they know something. And you don’t even know what it is? I want to forget about him, bury it. I can’t even be myself around him because I’m so nervous. Why am I so nervous? For what? There’s  nothing to be nervous for. I’m just like him in that way. We’re both human beings. We both tell our mom and dad good night and roll around in bed a while before falling asleep. Dreaming maybe? It seems impossible, but we’re all connected in that way.

We’re all alike.

But we’re all different.

I just really hate that I thought, even after I was so blatantly ignored by Pumpkin I could find someone special in a day?

Sure.

Because that always happens for me.

I was being fesecious if you couldn’t tell.

I don’t want to talk anymore, because I’m getting more and more mad as I write and I don’t want to boil over.

Boil over,

I haven’t done that in a while. But I’m so mad at myself right now. So dissappointed that I could be so stupid.

And I hate it even more that I’m complaining! I want to be the one who I pretend to be. Who’s always happy, and makes people smile. Because isn’t that my purpose? To make people happy? I’m less sure every day. I seem to be doing it a lot less lately. I seem to just give them more problems.

And maybe that’s why I don’t believe in anything anymore?

Because I’m afraid I’ll get hurt again?

My stupid ego. I hate it sometimes.

I want to start over so badly. Move somewhere and change my name where no one knows me and I can be someone new? How nice that would be. And I don’t even mind calling myself a coward. Because I’m running away, I tend to do that when my problems become to intricate to figure out. Run away from the problem. Forget about it. Bury it.

And I’m slowly graduating to boiling point. So I need to leave and take a breather before I do something dumb.

Well, I might not be blogging as much, because I’m starting a new music blog (a side project that ight be taking over?) I would be honoured if you would go check it out at http://blog.mymelody.com/chloesprofile

Anyways, my current life status. Well, this weekend, I sort of want to crawl under a rock. I did something sort of, well not mean, I didn’t think anything of it, but I said something that might have hurt someone? Someone I’ve known for sooo long. But I felt so horrible, so I had to apologize immediately. Of course she accepted and even suggested we hang out sometime.

And it made me feel worse. I really wasn’t punished enough. I got off easy. I mean, I hope I learned some sort of lesson from this… but did I really? Will I remember this the next time I go to open my occasional huggge mouth. What if she’s still harboring dark feelings but didn’t wan’t to create drama? (kudos to her then) I guess I’ll talk to her again. I don’t want to fricking harass her, and I feel bad that I’m only doing this for my own well-being. But I guess having a conscious is good? I just wish I could replace that with extreme compassion…

I’m slowly recovering from the Pumpkin trap, and there’s even someone new.

This is going to sound absolutely ridiculous.

But he requested me as a friend, and I’ve ever actually met him before (I think he’s in high school?) I know he’s not a pedophile or anything because he’s on bunches of my friends tops, and a lot of people say they see him every friday at [local teen hangout]. But he’s like, a genious. I thought Pumpkin was smart? This guy is like a million cagillion times smarter. He was talking about fate and the time space continuom. He has a substantiol vocabulary, he wants to be an actor and he’s on the debate team? He’s absolutely hilarious! And he’s never had a girlfriend? Suprising because he’s also very cutte. I just wish he went to our school, or that I could meet him. ;-; why do i always start to like guys I can’t have? Well, maybe I don’t like him, but I sure wouldnot mind spending some time with him. Here, here, it’s impossible to explain. read his profile::

My Name is ____
I like Strawberry Milkshakes. Thats one thing you have to know about me. In addition to that, Im an actor, which means I act. Deep down, people agree that Im a very philosophical person who beleives in a universal combination of fate and instinct naturally balancing themselves out so that everyones life essentially becomes perfect as long as they dont intentionally mess it up in hatred towards themselves. People seem to enjoy it when I give them that speech in full. Yeah, I’m on the debate team. I’m also weird, I draw cows, and play around with things I find on the ground, EG: String, Nails, Garden Tools that I name Carlito, or the Space Time Continuum. I’m dangerously ticklish, I’ll have you know, but try to not tickle me in somewhere thats supposed to be quiet. I’m pretty cool as being your friend goes. Just don’t be confusing. If you want anything from me, don’t give me annoying little hints, just tell me flat out. I like it when people speak their hearts to me. I also like secrets. Tell me them, I’ll give you advice. I’m getting better at not telling anyone. I’m pretty big on food, even though I’m incredibly skinny. I can eat nearly anything. Ice cream is a big plus. You cant go wrong with the Italian stuff though, y’know, Pizza and Pasta. I like that. Chineese food has MSG’s in it which are yucky and give you bad dreams. Fast food is made of feces no matter how much anyone denies it (cept taco bell and arbys. They’re safe). I also make videos. I work at a camp, and also enjoy doing it on my freetime with my friends (look below). Drugs and Sex arent good. Neither is masturbation. Thats not cool either. If you’re not straight Im also cool with it, just know that I am. On that note, if you’re a girl, Personality over looks, and dont be a lifeless looser who doesnt do anything fun. If you’re a girl and you want to “get with me” and all that Jazz, just hit me up at Cobb, every Friday, I’m sure to be there. Call me as well, **********. Also, I’ve never had a girlfriend, and never made out with a girl before. Keep that in mind. I’m not experienced, so dont come to me looking for someone to sweep you away on a magical sexual adventure. I’ll try to if you want, but probably fail. I text, but perfer phone conversations. I get free minutes after 7, but dont have unlimited texts, thats probably why. So call after seven, text before seven, got it? Public television messes with the mind, and makes you think inside the box. Thats where that phrase came from. In “Think outside the box”, Box is referring to TV. I choose to do just that. Oh, and Im huge on baggy clothes. Long sleeves, jeans and cargo pants, long socks, jackets, etc. I like my tan line to be even. And they’re cozy. My main goal in life is to make other people happy. I live to see that someones life is essentially perfect for any time being, especially if you’re my friend. I will do anything to make you happy, whoever you are (except kill myself, because I know some smart ass reading this is totally going to say that). I debate, I act, I eat, I flirt, Im nice, smart, talented, extremely-fun, semi-funny… Everyone who truly knows me tell me that my only flaw is I know nothing about the way the world works outside of my little bubble… My idea of life is nobody kills eachother for fun, war is stupid, and drumsticks are the leg of the chicken, not the arm. Apparantly I’m wrong, but nobody has any proof, so I keep thinking that.
So basically, My mind is a big hunk of irrevocable nothing which touch and taste and smell. Hearing and sight keep hitting and chipping with sharp fatal tools on my brain… Nevertheless I feel that cleverly I am being altered and I slightly am becoming something a little different, in fact
MYSELFYeah… Thats me in a nutshell

Wow, omigod, I get chills reading it. He’s just so fricking intelligent. XD haha, maybe I have lost my mind. I don’t know this kid, maybe he’s a total jackass. But don’t ruin it for me. I’d like to think there’s someone perfect out there. ^o^

But yeahhh, this got away from me, basically… GO READ MY NEW SIDEPROJECT, If you like music, I’m sure you’ll find it at least a little interesting, ;D