My life’s sort of been on a tight rope lately. Some days are just so amazing. And then the next I slip into a funk. This afternoon I was just so happy. I was literally giving off light. Everyone around me smiled because I was just so happy. I was like a little ball of energy. And what was there to be upset about anyways? Crystal came over, we set up my drumset, we jammed, we had fun. I even got to see Pumpkin today, at an assembly, I saw him, and I’m not sure if he saw me. I even got a 97 on my history test. Overall, today was good. Even when my mom got mad, nothing could bring me down. It was the eternal happiness a small part of me wanted.

But yesterday, yesterday was the pits. I was talking to my friend Taylor on the bus, and some how I began rambling on and on about Pumpkin. And it got me so sad. He’d say: “He’s not that good-looking, he probably would’ve gone out with you.” And I just wanted to bang my head on the window. Yes he is! I wanted to yell. He’s the most beautiful person I’ve ever seen! He’s a genious! He’s genuine! He’s perfect. Jon says: “I was pretty sure he liked you last year.” And I held back the tears, because I knew they were lieing! They didn’t want to tell me I could never have him! They didn’t want to say, you’re not smart enough, you’re not nice enough, you’re not pretty enough. They thought I’d have a mental breakdown. And I was so close too! But I thought to myself, just be calm, just be calm, they don’t know what you’re feeling, and they don’t know Pumpkin at all. I eventually cooled down. Walking home in the rain because you’re mom was too lazy to come pick you up (she was watching TV when I got home) can do that. I figure, maybe I’ll meet someone spectacular this year. But I’ve sort of given up on the idea. I’m not good enough yet. Crystal says that in high school there are tons of cute, smart guys. And for that I sincerely hope! I’ve been in this Pumpkin trap for nearly a year. It’s time for a change of scenery.

Remember a while ago when I had a dream about the number 143?

Well, this mroning when I was doing my laundrey, I foundsome money in one of my pants pockets. 1 dollar and 43 cents. It freaked me out. I don’t believe in coincedences anymore.

So I got curious. I figured out 2 possibilities. Apparently, 143 is 90’s pager talk for “I love you” and it’s also an acronym for pi (3.14). But I feel like there’s something more to it.

First the dream, and the scream, and the money in my pocket. And it just seems like wherver I go it’s 143. The other night it was the winning Cash 3! It’s freaking me out. 143. It seems so simple. But I can’t figure out its relevance. What is my subconscious trying to tell me? What is someone trying to tell me?

It could be a year (2143). It could be a Street Number (143). It might be a time (1:43).

But then again… It might be nothing!!

It’s driving me crazy. I feel like there’s something I’m supposed to figure out. Whether if it’s for some kind of self-improvment, or just a number that’s going to hold some relevance in my life. Maybe it’s the time the world will end. There are so many possibilities.

My 18th birthday is supposed to be the end of the world (12-20-2012). And, I just get an awful feeling around this number (143).

!! It freaks me out just looking at it! It’s so eerie!

Any input out there? Should I pursue it? Or am I crazy?

 Isn’t that weird? I didn’t realize until I posted this, that I’ve been blogging like clockwork (every Friday) hmm, my body is so routine (told you I hate change) I won’t be able to blog as much when school starts but I’ll do my darndest. :]

So I went and got my schedule today (mannn, school starts monday :D)

 1 History

2 Student Aide

3 Band (:P)

4 Language Arts

5 Geometry

6 Science

 It’s so different. I really hate change…and I’m scared. What if I don’t have any classes with my friends? I know I don’t have any with Deven or Alyssa. Lauren hasn’t said yet. Thank God I have 2 classes with Courtney (I think I get to Student-Aide with her (fun fun fun)), and I have Geometry with Cristina (that means we’ll probably be sitting next to eachother because our last names are so close. :]) What if I don’t have any with Pumpkin? Or Lauren? Or Tyler? Or Caroline? (The list is endless) I saw Pumpkin today… He was with one of my friends. They were kind of across the courtyard. So my friend, being lazy, called out my name and waved (he didn’t look real happy to see me) After I waved back, Pumpkin decided he’d wave to me too. It sounds so sincere, but it made my heart go bu-bump. I haven’t seen him in about 3 months and I was wondering if all the magic would come back when I saw him. It’s too early to tell now…

I was just wondering. Which do you think would be a worst situation? (A little random) having a dad who you knew never loved you, or losing a father who you knew loved you very much? I think having a dad who didn’t love you would be absolutely terrible. Me and my dad are very close, and I can’t imagine losing him. But it would be worse if he lived forever and we hated eachother. Just a thought.

*yawn* I promised myself I’d blog more and I plan to do exactly that. Hmm, well I got a haircut. It’s attractiveness is equal to my old haircut, but in this heat, 4+ inches of hair makes all the difference. It’s about half way down my neck in the back and it gradually gets longer to about an inch passed my shoulder. But my hair is so damn flippy that it takes away about 2 inches of the actual length. –> http://choooberry.deviantart.com/art/gah-94137815

besides which my life has been deathly uneventful. school starts in about 2 weeks and im having post-year anxieties. Most of my dreams have been about failing my classes, losing scholarships, missing buses. I’ve become such a little worry wart, but all is well. All I need to remember is that if I have any dream of getting into college, I better ace all my classes this year (these ones are my first AP classes, thus they will tend to be a little more important), make enough money yearly for my college savings account, and get plenty of volunteer hours so im eligible for scholarships and state grants. it shouldn’t be too difficult but my panic disorder little mind is just a little, freaky at the moment. :]

 My Grade 8 Goals:

1. Be nice to everyone, and be as righteous (spelling?? haha) as ever.

2. Keep good grades

3. Be more active as a student

4. Quit complaining and try my darndest to be the best person I can

5. Get a job.

Well, me and my mom have gotten along decently all day (yes i take it day by day). i talked to dad about how she treats me like crap and he said: “you just have to keep trying.” One day she’ll be my best friend and the next she’ll ruin my life. I wish I could blame it on PMS but she has to take menoplause pills every day. (:P). I think she gets mad at me when she can’t be mad at anyone else and she needs to yell at someone, me. Her last blowup was after Jesse did something stupid, and she got mad at me for trying to clean up the lunch counter… Jesse wasn’t there, so she needed someone to be mad at. I started crying and dad said it again “Keep trying”. So I am trying, I would like to get along with her, it would make me very happy. That’s why I am exuberant to say we’ve gotten along all day. I don’t want to dread coming home, I don’t want to move out at a strikingly young age, I don’t want to change my name and move to Australia. I want to be able to come home and tell my mom about everything going on and for her to give me advice, maybe even sympathize for me a little bit. And maybe dad’s right, maybe if i keep trying really really hard, it will happen. And the thought makes me feel like I’m on fire. Yeah, so today’s been pretty good, because you know what they say, life’s a game, take it day by day. And while I am still in this positive state of mind I will say Au Revoir, ;]