Well, it hasn’t been a great couple days for me. I’ve been feeling kind of down in the dumps, and I’m bored as hell. Despite this, my dreams have been as vivid as ever.

Last night, I had a dream that I was in this strange wold with a few of my friends (Butter is the only one I really remember though) and me and Butter were running around like crazy trying to keep the town at peace. There was this huge skating rink (random) in the center of the town. Then me and Butter went out passed this gate-ish thing, and the grass was about up to our waist. I saw this car and then I noticed my parents were sitting inside. I talked to them for a second and they began rambling on and on about Pumpkin. Then I ran away. And then I woke up.

I guess I haven’t really given specific reasons why I feel like crap so here goes.

I found out that Pumpkin (who I’ve liked for almost a year) had/has (i don’t know) a crush on one of my best friends. So as you can see that kind of put a damper on my day. And I haven’t talked to Butter in a while, I feel like I’m annoying him. Lately, I feel somewhat unlovable. Like no one will ever like me no matter how hard I try (friends and guys both). I haven’t talked to any of my friends (excluding Courtney) in ages, no one’s even picked up the phone to call me. And when I IM them it seems like they really don’t want to talk to me.

Well, I’m remodeling my room. Today I started painting. 3 of my walls are going to be an orange-based white, and one a BAM orange-brown. The two highlight colors are red nd light green. I like painting. I turn on some music and I think, and it’s almost rhythmic. With my arm going up and down in time with the beat of the song I’m listening to. It’s a nice time to think, and contemplate about what I normally don’t get the time to wonder about. It’s a breath of fresh air from real-life. And even if it’s only for a couple hours, I feel at ease an refreshed.

The past few nights have been torture. Last Thursday, I had a dream that I got raped while I was in a hotel, where a man forced me into the bed in his room. I talked to Courtney about it, and she told me I was over paranoid and that I needed to relax, so I did just that. But Tuesday, I had another dream that someone was following me. On Wednesday, I had another dream that someone came into my house when no one was home. Last night was the worst. I had a dream that I was getting dressed, and there was someone in my closet, he jumped out at me and pinned me to the floor. I woke up hyperventilating around 1 in the morning. I was so relieved when I realized it was just a dream. I got up, checked my closet and shut the door, I went to the Living Room to make sure my dad was still asleep on the couch, he was so I ran back into my room and buried myself in my sheets. I finally fell back asleep at about 3 in the morning to have the same dream greet me. Except this time, my dad walked in in the middle of it, but the man who was pinning me down said: ‘There’s nothing you can do to help her’ and my dad left the room and closed the door and I started screaming. I woke up at 6 or so, and checked the closet and couch again, then went back to my bed, but I couldn’t fall asleep. At 6:30 I turned on the TV and at about 7 my dad woke up (I was so relieved the night was over). I’m afraid to go to sleep at night, and I’m even worse during the day. I constantly look behind me, I stay close to my dad in public places, and I don’t leave the house unless I have to. I start to hyperventilate whenever someone accidentally bumps into me or when my dad gets out of eye vision. I usually don’t take dreams so seriously, but I have a really bad feeling about this. It’s like a premonition, and I’m scared to death. It doesn’t help that there have been 2 rapes on my street in the last year. And that guy, Jeremy creeps me out. It’s a 20-something year old guy that used to follow me home from the bus stop. Everyday, after school he’d follow just behind or just in front of me and Sebastian. Even Sebastian admitted it was weird how he knew everything I wore everyday. When he asked me how old I was, I actually said: ‘I don’t know’ Then I pretended someone was calling me so I took my cell out and talked to my imaginary friend, even though my phone was dead. I hated that Sebastian couldn’t walk home with me (he lives on the street in front of me). After about a month, he went away. I was so relieved. But the other day, when I was taking my dog for a walk, I saw him. I quickly turned the corner and acted like I was really busy. When I came around the other side of the street, he was sitting on the side of the road watching me! It was so scary, I was grateful I had my dog with me. It’s even worse that he knows where I live. It freaks me out.

I’m probably overreacting, but this is scaring me to death. I have the absolute worst feeling about it. If I have to stay home alone, I make sure all the doors and windows are locked, and then I sit in my room with the phone.

Every noise I hear, it’s killing me. I know I can’t do anything about it. I can’t even stand getting dressed anymore, I can’t stand looking at my body anymore, I feel like it’s already sinned.

I’m the kind of person who once they get their mind set on something, worries a lot. I know there’s like a 99% chance nothing will happen, but I just want the assurance.

Any advice out there? I’m scaring myself to the grave.

I had an interesting dream last night (as always, ^-^) Tyler had moved to my neighborhood, 143rd Street (I’m not sure if that actually exists, but I’m going to check it out, maybe I’m supposed to find something there) and I was with Crystal and we were riding our bikes around the hood and I said Tyler’s name, and then someone started screaming, so we ran. When I got back to my house, it was a huge mansion. Like /huge/ it looked like a hotel. Crystal said she had to go home, and then Tyler, Butter and Pumpkin appeared. I was about to say something to Pumpkin (can’t exactly remember what, but it was pretty important) than Butter grabbed my arm and pulled me up this huge staircase. At the top, there was this giant pool, and we jumped in. Then some pretty lady in a suit started yelling at us. Telling me I wasn’t within my rights to do such things. I told her it was my house, and she grabbed Butter and told me to get out, so I went back down the staircase. Then Pumpkin was standing there and he told me Butter was dead. I was really confused, so I grabbed Pumpkin’s hand and we ran up the stairs, and it was like an empty apartment building where the pool had just been a few seconds ago. When I went to go back down the stairs with Pumpkin, there was a closed door, and when I opened it, there was like a town on fire. I closed the door and turned to Pumpkin and Butter was standing next to him. Then I was in my old science teacher (Mrs. Koerner)’s room. I was sitting next to Lauren F. (a girl at my school) and Pumpkin walked in the classroom, and the front of his hair was dyed blond. (It was quite random) I turned to say something to Lauren, but where she had just been sitting was Butter. “What’s going on?” he asked me. Pumpkin sat next to us, so Butter was on one side and Pumpkin was on the other. I put my head down on the desk and woke up.

Anyone care to evaluate? I looked some things up in my dream books. According to numerology the number 8 (1+4+3) means transformation. A person born under the number 8 is generally quiet, reserved and patient. Someone who is very untrusting, but operates like a broken machine under a cool exterior. I used to be like this, but I told myself to change a while ago. Sometimes I still feel like this. Does this number mean that I am going to transform /back/ into this person? Or that I am going to veer very far away from it?

Some of the elements I looked up included the stairs. Afterall, I was going up and down the stairs numerous times, and I figured this could represent something.  It turns out, a staircase represents transformation or change (whoa,) Going up stairs represents a higher level of understanding. Going down stairs represents repressed thoughts or to the setbacks I will experience soon in life. So going continuouslly up and down stairs, must mean that I am trying to /transform/ into someone that can /successfully understand/ the /setbacks I am going to face soon/.  That’s my take on it. I also wanted to analyze what significance Butter and Pumpkin had in my dream. Pumpkin is obviously someone I am in love with. My dream dicitonary says: “To dream of love of being in love, suggests intense feelings carried over from a waking relationship.” Butter is someone I am not sure whether I like or not. Could the significance of these two be that I am having trouble choosing one over the other? I was also fascinated by the flames and the empty apartment. “In particular, if the fire is under control or contained in one area, it is a metaphor of your own internal fire and inner transformation. It also represents your drive and motivation.” “To dream of a shabby and dark apartment, indicates misfortune and possible loss of a lover or money.” A door means I am entering a new stage in my life. The hotel-looking mansion means: “Signifies a new state of mind, or shift in personality.” Butter taking my left arm (I remember) represents my “need to nurture him”. Pumpkin taking my right hand represents “the spiritual connection I feel to him” Being in the classroom means I may “be learning a life lesson”.

Taking all this into consideration, I’d say my dream is all about myself changing, and leanring and important life lesson.

My subconscious is trying to tell me to be with Pumpkin for I feel a spiritual connection to him, and that the reason I like Butter is because I feel like I need to protect him.

Would anyone else care to evaluate?

So, I can honestly say, almost every decent thing I’ve wanted to do has been canceled. Monday I was going to go to Cristina’s beach house, but she bailed last minute. Thursday, I was going to go to a baseball game with Courtney, but my mom said no. Today I was going to spend the day with Crystal, but she had to go to her grandma’s. -__- maybe it was fate. Because last night, right after Crystal said she couldn’t come to the beach with me, Courtney texted me asking if I wanted to go the beach with her. I did, and we had a blast! I /might/ go with her to [local teen hangout] but, she hasn’t called/emailed yet, and I try  not to get my expectations up too high, that way when things don’t work out (as you’re beginning to tell happens a lot) I’m not too disappointed. I probably won’t go. If Courtney does call, my mom will probably say no. It’s about 4:40 now, most people go to [local teen hangout] around 6ish, that’s just about an hour and a half, but I’m not going to get too excited. Although it would be nice to see all my friends that I haven’t seen in a week or so…

No matter, I’ll find a way to make tonight special. :]

Summer’s been pretty eventful so far. :] Yesterday Di and Jesse came to visit. I helped Di with some math and then the three of us+dad went for a walk. We had a really good lunch and 3 good things came out of it. 1) Di says she wants to come up for a weekend to visit real soon. :] 2) Jesse’s thinking of buying a house down here. 3) Jesse’s giving me her old skateboard! My only complaint about the day was that Michael kept calling and yelling at Jesse telling her she better get home and all this shit then she made up some lie how she had to get home and let him into the apartment.

Jesse: head-strong, stubborn, close-minded, smart, creative. Jesse is hard to put down in a little sanriotown description. She’s pretty cool once you get to know her, but she can’t stand it unless she’s in the center stage. She thinks everything’s a conspiracy, and she overanalyzes everything.

Diana: sweet, quiet, funny, impatient. Di is nearly the opposite of Jesse. She can be quiet unless in the right circumstances, otherwise, she’s super funny and spontaneous. She loves animals, and she’d do anything to make people happy. She always puts other’s needs before her own. She always reminded me of Snow White. :] 

Today me and my mom went to the beach. I read a few pages in my book: “Learned Optomism” and I’m regaining my “summer tan” haha. Heck Yes! We were going to bring Cristina, but she baield last minute. Too bad, she missed out. I also went to Publix today and got new headphones (my kitty chewed through my other ones)

On Thursday, I’m going to Kevin’s baseball game with Courtney. We’re going to drink slurpies, rate guys’ butts, and be craft-pimps.

On Friday, Crystal’s coming over to hang out. We’ll probably play ITG and Guitar Hero no doubt. Afterwords, her mom is probably going to take us to Cobb, where I will hopefully meet up with Deven, Alyssa, and Courtney (Butter if I’m lucky <3)

I’m really excited, I have a feeling this summer is going to be amazing!

It’ll be even better when my best friend Alex gets back from China (school trip) and we can parole the neighborhood and cause mayhem. ;D

So me and Cookie broke it off. We agreed that since he was graduating it would be better if we cooled it off. We never really talked anyways, I felt like I was with a stranger when I was with. He’s the absolute opposite of what I’m looking for in a guy. I can’t say I’m geuinlly depressed, because I’m not, sure I’ll kind of miss the ncie things he said about me, but when i think about Courtney said, I think she was right, it felt like he was just feeding me lines. Summer’s a time to relax and enjoy life, and I plan to do just that.

Me and Butter have been texting back and forth all day. On the last day of school (yesterday) he left 5 minutes after he got to school, and I didn’t get a chance to say good-by. After he left, my phone started vibrating, but I figured it was Cookie texting me, so I didn’t pick up, it was actually Butter calling to say good-by! I called him back, and we talked for a few minutes before the first bell rang. Here’s how the texts followed:

Me: Hey kid! Butter: Hey wats up Me: Aw man. I wish I could’ve said good-by. Butter: i no. same here. i couldn’t find you yesterday morning. i was mad that I couldn’t say good-by but we have to hang out this summer. Me: Haha. Yea. I broke up with my bf, so me, you, lauren, and joren could hang at the mall sometime, and if ur ever in [my neighborhood], come by my house! Butter: Why? And hell yea, now I can come to the mall with you people

it goes on. but that was the most interesting.

for a while, iw as wearing my favorite pair of jeans and getting people to sign them, and Butter wrote: ‘I love you’ so sweet.

Anyways, enough about boys. My blog used to be so interesting, I used to write about life concepts and world issues, now I write just like any other teen. I will try to return to my mature state of mind. I’ve just been a little cluttered lately.

Well, today I went to an antique show. Me and my dad went over to this bench and he started talking, and he reminded me so much of Johny Nolan from a tree grows in Brooklyn, my mother actually remind sme of Katie, Johny’s wife, and my dad said I was always like Francie, the daughter. If all this is true, am I but a character in a book? If you’ve ever read A Tree Grows In Brooklyn, you know Johny dies when Francie is 14. I’ve always ahd the premonition that my dad would die young, and that I would die about 4 years after him. WIll he die next year? Is he just a character in a book? Are we all but characters in sad stories?

I think everyone’s life would make a decent story. Can you imagine? Reading everyone’s life stories? How amazing would that be?

hmm, i find myself thinking about Cookie nearly nonstoply. I just can’t wait until I can see him before school, after 3rd, 4th hour and after school in all. I can’t believe he is graduating in all but 3 days!!! :[ He is soooo sweet, I just wish I could see him more. I learned something interesting about him, he’s actually only 9 months older than me. Hell, that’s nothing. His birthday is March 4th (if I remember correctly). *sigh* i don’t get to see him for another 15 minutes… 15 WHOLE minutes, i feel like I’m just staring at the clock waiting for it to change…

We don’t even ride the same bus, although we do live within  20-minute walking distance from eachother.

I haven’t told my parents about him yet. If I do, they’re going to overreact because he’s in 8th grade (soon to be highschooler). I’m pretty much allowed to hang out with anyone I want whenever I want. Even if it’s some 16 year-old guy that I “supposedly” am friends with, I’m free to do as I choose. But as soon as any boy is my “boyfriend” my parents label him off. They’re going to assume we’re off doing something stupid, and they won’t let me hang out with him in the neighborhood, at parties, or at the mall. Therefor I need to make Cookie seem like nothing more than a friend, otherwise, we are doomed to a most boring love life…

Me, him, Lauren and her boyfriend Joren will probably spend a lot of time at the mall with eachother. I hope so, I’m going to miss Cookie incredibly unless I seem him everyday, all day. :]

Despite this… I had so much fun with Pumpkin in 3rd hour today. (He even let me wear his jacket!!) hmm, although I like Cookie a lot, I cannot avoid the fact that I am totally, absolutely in love with someone else. :[ I feel like Pumpkin was made for me, and I was made for him. I’d do anything for him, but he’ll never feel the same (as far as Middle School goes)

 I like Cookie a lot, but can I lie and say I love him?? Love takes time to grow, and despite that Pumpkin is so possitively perfect, he’s also fairly unattainable. Cookie is for the here and now, but I have a feeling, Pumpkin is for the long-run.

All day, people were harassing me about breaking up with Cookie (even though it was a 20 hour relationship) Apparently everything Courtney had told me about him was dead wrong. He’s a funny, dedicated sweetheart.

I talked to him after school. I told him what an idiot I was and that I would give anything if he would go out with me again. And he said… Yes! No hesitation!!

He’s sooooooo sweet! We’re talking on AIM, look at some of the things he said:

“[18:14] me: sure does put a damper on your mood doesn’t it?
[18:14] Cookie: ya but now that im talkin 2 you
[18:14] me: :] <3
[18:15] me: i’m like, super sorrry i broke it off with you, X-X i guess i wasn’t thinking,
[18:15] me: about 5 minutes later,
[18:15] me: i was like: “what the hell did i just do?”
[18:15] Cookie: its ok
[18:15] Cookie: i was like omg y
[18:16] me: i felt really bad too, because everyone was like: “OHMIGOD! WHY’D YOU BREAK UP WITH -censor-??? HE’S SO NICE!!!” and i think ‘yeah, yeah i know’
[18:16] me: it was the longest day of my life
[18:16] Cookie: mine 2
[18:16] me: aww, i’m really really sorry
[18:17] me: i like you A LOT
[18:17] Cookie: it ok
[18:17] me: i wish you could hear the sincerity in my voice right now
[18:17] Cookie: i like you alot more”

“[19:06] me: im really sad to see school end
[19:07] Cookie: ya me 2 especcial because i met you
[19:07] me: aw, thanks… well its not like i see you that much at school anyways too bad
[19:08] Cookie: well i see u in the courtyard and after 4th hour
[19:08] me: yea,
[19:09] Cookie: i hate going home
[19:09] me: why?
[19:10] Cookie: cause i cant see u untill tommorrow”

“[20:02] Cookie: yesterday and 2day you were all i could think about”

“[20:07] me: i just didn’t know /why/ you’d want to go out with me, i’m not very interesting, and i complain way too much, lol
[20:08] Cookie: i dont care i love you anyway”

“[20:42] Cookie: ugh
[20:43] me: ?
[20:43] Cookie: i miss you so much rite now”

“[20:44] me: i’ll ask lauren if we can go sometime next week
[20:44] Cookie: ok
[20:44] Cookie: ok
[20:45] Cookie: i hope we can i wanna spend my whole summer with you”

He’s such a sweetheart. Note: just because I’m going out with Cookie doesn’t mean I’m still not absolutely in love with Pumpkin, I just needed a break from him I guess. If we’re meant to happen, it will. Right now, I just feel like living in the here and now. :]

So I broke it off with Cookie yesterday. He took it well, but everyone’s saying (besides Courtney) that I shouldn’t have broken it off with him. Apparently, he likes me a lot more than I thought he did…

 I feel like I made a mistake breaking up with him, but I didn’t know anything about him. That in addition to the things Courtney’s told me, and that he’s graduating in a week, just kind of made me think he wasn’t worth it…

He wants to hang out with me this weekend, should I?? I would really like to get back together with him when I know a little mroe about him…

Everyone I’ve talked to says he’s a great guy and that i was so stupid for breaking it off…

I feel like I’ve made this absolute horrible mistake, and I wish I could go back and change it… I really need to talk to Cookie about us…

Advice? What should I say?

Uh, i don’t know what to do. Courtney had me convinced I was going to break it off with Cookie, but then when we started talking on AIM, he seemed so sincere, and I learned some about him, and despite what Courtney says, he seems like an okay person. And, he LIKES me, he’s already planning how we can still go out next year when he graduates. He’s so sweet.

Courtney tells me all these horrible things about him, how he’s a player, and that he’s scum and how I shouldn’t trust him. She says he’s going to cheat on me and that he’ll use me. But he just seems so damn sincere.

On AIM he was telling me stuff like how “he felt different around me” and that “he really liked me” and “he wanted to make it work”. And he told me he loved me again. Is he just telling me what I want to hear?

I trust Courtney’s advice a lot, but doesn’t everyone deserve a chance? He hasn’t given me a reason not to trust him.

In spite of this, my sister (technically half-sister) Diana graduated last night. I couldn’t go to the graduation (bummer) but my dad took some good pictures. I’ll put them up here when I get a chance.

But seriously with this whole Cookie thing I could use some advice. Hello? Is there anyone out there?

jesse-di-and-dad.jpg

That’s Diana in the middle, my other half sister jessica is to the left and thats my dad on the right