Come visit me at my new home!!!:

 www.freewebs.com/miss-brightside

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another weird dream. i actually really like the concept and i think i may write a bok out of it (too late, im already on chapter 4)

So it started off that I was with this weird family, and then I commit suicide by jumping off a cliff outside our house. The valley is deep and I fall for hours, a bright light fills up the sky. Someone catches me. It’s Michael, a guy I haven’t seen for months (not Jessica’s Michael, a different Michael I met over the summer) and we go back to the other side of the valley that no one has ever discovered. Mattio (Michael’s twin brother) was there and so were a bunch of other people I couldn’t put a name to. I stayed with them for a few months. They kept calling me the star. I found out the light that had litten up the sky was actually an eat-and-go sign above a gas station. Michael went in to get us some lunch and then I jumped over the cliff again. The whole ground lit up white like a giant star, and it caught me (like one of those anti-gravity bubbles) then it dissappeared and I stood up. The canyon was dark again. I saw a swing, so I went over and started swinging. I was sitting there swinging for days, weeks maybe. All I could see was the days passing by. Then somehow I was on the other side again. Mattio immeadiately hugged me and yelled out my name. But Michael seemed mad. “That was immature and child-like of you,” is what I really remember him saying well. “You can be a spoiled brat, Chloe’, you know that? Do you ever try to think about anyone but yourself?” I was so heartbroken. I saw he was holding some sort of clipboard, so I took it and saw it was a military sign-up sheet, so I ran to this broken down barn that is actually at my bus stop and started fighting off “The Shadows” And then Michael came to help me. Then he got mad saying i had put myself in danger and all that. And I started crying, and then my alarm went off and I woke up.

aw, i liked that dream. If I could go back, I would.

So then that day, I decided to call Michael. I talked to him for a few minutes and then he had to go. He wasn’t the sweet funny Michael I remembered. It kind of hurt me that he had changed so much. He was nothing like my dream-Michael, no where near as kind or heroic, but I guess everyone changes.

I guess there are just some people I wish would never grow older. Like Michael for example. Is that unfair of me? Or selfish? Like my dream-Michael told me? Am I being immature and childlike? If it was up to me, I would never want him to get any older. I care very little of my own age, I could grow old and wither up and die, but when i think about Michael turning 15, he seems so distant… I wish he could be 14 forever. Even if I’m some old lady in a rocking chair I’d like to have the satisfaction to know that at least my one pleasent childhood memory had remained unchanged. I want him to be trapped inside a photograph, mine to look at and remember whenever I wanted to (always).

Okay, that is pretty selfish of me, but whenever I think of him or some other people too, getting odler, it hollows out some mysterious part of me and I feel strangely empty. Like as they change and grow, they’re taking away the memories they left me.

It hurts.

I wish I could stop time. Forever. I could see Josh and Michael again and all the people I did care about, that disappeared with time. Maybe I am scared of getting older, of change. I want to stay where I am forever. So what if I’m not the most popular girl in school, or I’m still not old enough to do a lot of things. I don’t care, I’ve already missed out on so much because I thought I had all the time in the world.

And apprently,

I have a lot less than I thought.

You know what I’ve thinking for the past few days?

Well, I guess first you need to get a little background info. Well, lets just say I saw a sad “someone” from across the cafeteria. He was so sad. He just looked at his shoes, and his brown eyes wandered around the room, like he was scared of something. I could tell he was thinking. Every once in a while he’d put down his head in his hands. He’d look at random people and you’d tell he wanted to cry. I was the first one to notice anything. When we were walking to lunch, I realized he was walking by himself, and his hands were buried in his pockets, and he stared at the ground. He’s never alone; I’ve never seen a moment when he was alone. I knew something was up. And then at lunch, I just look at him occasionally, and I realize what a sad day it is. The windows are open, and the wind (which is uncommon where I live) was like something you’d find in
Chicago. The sun wasn’t out and it was somewhat cold, but I didn’t have a jacket. There was a thick fog over the school, and the day felt dream-like. But I look at him, and it got me like a disease. I was so upset, I started to tear up a little. “Chloe’,” one of my friends finally said. “Chloe’, why are you crying? What’s wrong?” I wiped at my eyes and said: “Every good actress can cry on demand,” They looked at me for a moment more and went back to talking. I put my head to my hands and looked at this “5” that hung over one of the cafeteria exits. It seemed like such an awful number. I felt really sick, and everything went kind of dull, and I just saw that number, and I felt very sick, like I wanted to throw up and sleep for a very long time. And then I looked at the sad guy and he was pretending to laugh with his friends. I could tell it was forced. So I looked to my friends and they were all laughing at some joke I hadn’t heard. I look back and forth between them and the sad boy a table in front of me. I realized what little compassion people have for one another. How could one person be so happy, when one person could be so sad? I looked back at that number 5 and I had to rest my head on the table because my head was spinning. The funny part, no one noticed. I felt so sick. And they were all still laughing at that joke. It was like one of those nightmares people have when you’re an inch tall and everyone’s towering over you and laughing, but you don’t know what they’re laughing at. And then my head started hurting. It killed me knowing someone was unhappy, yet everyone else cared very little. And then I got up and left, I couldn’t take it anymore. Deven caught up with me, and I saw that the sad one, that never walks alone, was walking by himself again. I wished I would have left a few minutes earlier so I wouldn’t have had to see him again. Finally,
Tyler realized something was wrong. Followed by Celeste. Paul was short after. But as soon as they realized the problem, they did little afterwards. Like they didn’t want to get their hands messy, trying to figure something out. I put my knees to my chest and started crying. I hid my face from the class and cried for a few minutes just thinking that somewhere, someone is sad, someone has died, someone was crying. The world will never be a perfectly happy place and it hit me kind of hard. I kept looking over at the sad boy all during class, and he never looked up. He whispered silently to himself, and I saw him writing. It killed me.

I wrote a poem, one of my saddest in a long time. I would post it up here, but I don’t want to reread it because all of the thoughts I was having will come back, and I don’t want them to come back.

http://www.emptyv.org/tootsierollpop.htm

 very interesting, and funny *especially Trail 4!)*

 check it out immediately

The past few days (week, *cough**cough*) have been strangely uneventful.

I went to a craft fair with my mom on Saturday. Lauren was going to come with us but her aunt was taking her to get her nails done or something…which I can’t really protest. I would’ve rather got my nails done then walk up and down those crowded old lady isles that reek of corn cakes, Lady Speed Stick, and that weird smell of wet wood. The one thing I really liked I did not end up getting.

It was this long, driftwood-colored vanity mirror. The mirror wasn’t all that, it was kind of cloudy and old, but it made it so much more alluring to me. So old, and antique-like. I wanted to picture myself in it, but for some reason, I could not see my reflection.

Well, I mean I saw a girl who looked somewhat like me. The same blonde hair and grey shirt, overall the same. Only I would notice a difference.

But I saw it.My face looked different; it looked more perfect, and angular, compared to its usual lopsided round. It was almost too perfect, and my skin was deathly pail. It looked like I had died or something. My cheeks were neither rosy nor pink, just an off white. My hair looked brittle, and overall I looked older, frailer…My eyes were different too. They looked deeper, glassier to me. And they were no longer hazel, or green or brown. They were slowly etching their way to black. Just like the color of coal. The image kind of scared me and I can still see it when I think hard. Maybe it was just the lighting, but the thought of me being so /different/ really scares me. I mean I didn’t even recognize me, I had to look around and make sure my biological twin wasn’t standing right next to me, and I was seeing her instead of myself. That seemed much more logical at the time. As much as my reflection scared me, I really wanted that mirror. It felt so…magical to me. My hands are shaking thinking of it. Yet somehow I cannot imagine that, image of evil in my room, all the time.

The rest was somewhat of a drag, because I kept wondering if people were looking at me, because I was so pail, and empty, and my eyes were so black. I was so frail and skinny, but no one seemed to notice as they bumped passed me.  

For a moment I wondered if I was dead, a wandering spirit or something. That would explain the reflection, and why it seemed like no one could see me. Every time I passed that mirror, I waited for the evil picture to return, but soon my color returned, and my eyes changed back to their normal color. I looked like myself again, but my heart quickened.

I couldn’t really explain why but it just scared me for some reason.

It was a really weird moment for me.

The night followed with a weird dream.

I was tied up and I was in a boat. The sky was dark but there was no rain. Someone I knew, but couldn’t recognize at the time, grabbed me and threw me overboard. I couldn’t swim and I drowned. I woke up and there was someone chasing me, and I was 18, and this little girl who looked just like an 8-year-old me was following me. I jumped a fence and began falling. I fell with a thump. I was in this world where everything was white. But for some reason I knew just what to do. There were about 8 people sitting at a table. I covered 6 of them with a white cloth and sprinkled salt on their heads and they vanished. 2 were left, but I didn’t want them to go. One was a lady, she looked like a queen (she was wearing a big colorful dress and a crown) and her skin was like a rainbow, and the second was a little boy who could barely see above the table. “Can I trust you?” I asked both of them. The 8-year-old me, I realized, was following me at this point, she said her name was Alice. “Of course, sweetheart” the queen lady said. And she handed me a bag filled with money ($52, for some reason I really remember that number) and she pointed me to this big stage over an empty auditorium. Alice followed me. We went to the stage. There was a drum set onstage so I started drumming and Alice began to sing. After a while the queen said, “that’s enough.” Next to her was a boy, a beautiful boy. Jasper he said his name was. (funny, both Alice and Jasper are characters in a book I’m reading) The little boy from the table still hid timidly behind the queen’s leg. A man came out from behind the auditorium (I cant remember his exact name but it was an So I believe, funny because there aren’t many So names, it was something weird like Soothe or something) “that’ll be $52” he said. I got kind of mad but I gave him the money. I looked to the queen, and suddenly I was in my patio, there was a weird black staircase so I followed it down to the darkness. Someone was chasing me, I could hear the footsteps. Suddenly I fell onto a bridge. Alice was still with me. I saw a gondola going passed the river under me and me and Alice jumped in. “Chloe, for you,” Soothe (or whatever) began as I stood up in the boat. “For you I would do anything.” He paused as if to use words to measure his love for me. “For you, I’d tie myself up and throw myself into this river.” He said.

Suddenly I was struck with love. I don’t really remember what really happened after that, but next thing I knew I was jumping, tied up back into the river, but this time I wanted to. Soothe jumped in after me (now I was watching this like a movie) but he couldn’t get my body in time and I drowned again. Suddenly
Alice transformed. She was a beautiful brunette with pixie short hair (just like in my book) and she began explaining why I died and why I committed suicide, like somehow she knew. Then her, Jasper, Soothe and the Queen all jumped over a fence. Suddenly an image of Nick P.’s face filled my entire head, expanding till it nearly hurt. That’s when I realized the little boy at the table, and the man who threw me overboard in the beginning of my dream were both Nick. I think I may have realized this in the subconscious part of my mind, the part that might have been half awake. I woke up and I was in a hospital, just as white as the mystery world. And the doctor standing over me, it was Soothe. I do basically remember that he had light brown hair and green eyes, and that’s all I can recall about his appearance. My heart nearly burst (in my dream that is).

And then I woke up.

I tried to fall back asleep and go back to Soothe because I really liked him, but the sleep after that was dreamless.Kind of a weird dream if you ask me. And by no means pleasant…I have no idea /what/ I was thinking before I went to sleep (if after all your dreams are what you think about before you sleep)

My mom tried to analyze it. She said Alice was my “secret wish to be young again”, the fact that I was 18 was “my fear of growing older”, the fence was “the wall I feel like I am facing,”, the boat was “my insecurity” and when I made everyone disappear at the table it shows my “rebel against authority”, Soothe was “my yearning for adventure”, the hospital was “my fear of getting hurt” and she thought the whole Nick thing was “just weird”.

Of course I edited some parts of my dream for her so she wouldn’t think I was crazy (like the suicide part, or how someone kept following me, or how Nick threw me overboard and I drowned twice…)

It’s kind of funny, because I was just telling Courtney not long ago that I wanted to die by drowning, because I think it would be peaceful. Ironic almost…

So it was a pretty weird day for me, that mirror thing combined with the dream really threw me over the top. Well, if you’re up for trying to analyze my dream, I’d really like to hear your ideas. This dream is the most curious I’ve had in quite a while…

I’m not sure where to start…

Yesterday I went to Courtney’s house, we looked up random myspaces and videos as Kevin played Wii Tennis with Courtney’s mom. Then we played some DDR. (I still like ITG better) We looked up some music and played guitar hero. I showed her pictures of my Uncle Paul and told Uncle Paul (who is Tyler fast-forward 30 years) funnies and stories. Then we went to Blondies with Caroline and Allison (Taylor was there too) and we met this cool dude (Phillipe) from Brazile. I’m not kidding, he was like an exotic handbag, born in Scotland, raised in Brazile, and he’s visited places like Korea and Japan, and get this, he’s our age. I liked him though. And then there was this drunk guy that kept talking to us  and then he kept hitting on our waitress. Me and Collin got married, and he swares he will be my Prom Date. Overall, I had a very nice time.

Today I read the new issue of Seventeen and worked on my Science Project (toothpick bridge) and then my neighbor started up his boat and this big puff of smoke slowly trailed into the patio where I was reading. “GEEZ! POSIONING OUR YOUTH HERE!” I screamed at him. I’m not sure if he heard me or not, but he just kept polluting the atmosphere.

Check it out -> http://www.personaldna.com/report.php?k=MuouEMSpyWFCEOZ-CM-ADEAA-f677

Courtney sent me this link for a personality test so i took it. I am surprised that I got a 100/100 for adventure/spontaniety.

Well not really. I’m a pretty crazy person. ^^

ER! I HATE COLD WEATHER! I am so cold. I can’t stand it. I miss the good ol 100 degree days and tanktops and swimming pools. Now I have to wear a muffler to keep warm! (my body doesn’t handle cold very well) It’s crazy! I HATE WINTER.

I had a weird dream last night. It contained a few people. There was me, Ari, Joren, Tyler, and a lot of other people. If dreams truly are things you tink about before you sleep, I have no idea WHAT I was thinking. I was back in my elementary school cafeteria. And I went in the lunch line and I decided to get a bowl of pudding so I took the pudding and the line was really long so I ate the pudding and then when I was about to throw it away but the lunch lady said i needed to pay for it. But I didn’t have any money. So she said I could go get money from one of my friends. But if I wasn’t back in 10 minutes that I’d turn into a pumpkin. So I left and asked Deven for some money but she didn’t have any, and she was all crying. But I didn’t have any time so I figured I’d see what was wrong later. Then I asked Ari. But he just started hugging me and he wouldn’t let go. So I kind of draged him around on my quest for money. Then I asked Tyler, and then I moved my hand or something and I hit Joren’s butt, and this girl (that i think is in my gym) was sitting on his lap and they were making out. It was kind of random, and he was like “CHLOE!” and he was really mad. (who wouldn’t be?)

but then he punched me and he missed because i turned into a pumpkin and smashed (Smashing Pumpkins maybe?) to the ground and then Tyler was like “I ♥ Pumpkin Pie! ^^” and his dialouge popped over his head like in an anime series.

It was so weird.

And at dinner I thought of soemthing kind of funny in a silly way. Dad asked me what I wanted for dessert and I said “Gopher please,” (i was out of it) here comes the funny part, then i said: “I could really Go Fer Some Gopher!”

XD

Well, anyways, I finished that book I was reading. Now I’m going to read this series about Vampires (my sister suggested it). I’m not sure which comes first in the series but I know the names are Twilight, Eclipse and New Moon (i think)

And Courtney: I bought 5 Blaqk Audio songs on iTunes. (*I like them!) My favorite is Again, Again and Again, but I aslo bought Stiff Kittens, Semiotic Love, The Love Letter and Snuff On Digital

I’m reading this book called “the five people you meet in heaven”. It really interests me, and it got me thinking. If I died, right now, this very second. Who would be the five people /I/ met in heaven?

1) This kid in the bookstore. He changed my mind forever. He’s an 8th grader from New Jersey (therefor I haven’t seen him since) and he was behind me in line at the Bookstore. He had a pile of four books. I’m extremely nosy so I just had to see what he was reading. To Kill A Mockingbird, some sappy romance novel (for his mom he later told me), a book on Cuban culture and “The Five People You Meet In Heaven”, the EXACT book in my hand. I mean there are millions of books in the world, and we both just happen to pick up this book. That really killed me. But so we start talking (not for very long mind you), and I realize he is a very smart person. I could just tell by the way he talked, he was smart. I like smart people, I really do. And he kind of gave off that impression like /oh its nothing special, everyone’s smart in New Jersey/ or something. Maybe I’ll move to New Jersey or something. I like smart people. They draw me in like magnets, the same way stupid people kind of repel me. But so he really got me thinking. It’s not a /crime/ to be smart. And maybe in another world, its accepted to be smart. And that being so intellectual and conceptual (which i am) it’s okay. Yet now, because we live in a world of fakers, and cheats and killers and just plain idiots, it is by some extent, /wrong/ to be smart? It just hit me, right as he walked out the door, that he really changed my life. And isn’t that what heaven is really about?

2) a certain Josh Baldwin. it was the only person i’ve ever felt SO strongly about. We met at the beach, and we hung out every day for a week. The day I was going to ask him out, he just vanished. And I haven’t seen him since. The boardwalk we’d meet at everyday, I was there that Monday morning. I remember it was kind of cloudy and the surf was rpetty amazing. I went over in my head just how I would ask him. And then poof he was gone. No phone number, no “ill see you eventually”, if I didn’t know better I’d say he dropped off the world. It seemed like nobody knew anything about him. Nobody knew who this Josh with the black hair and brown eyes was. I was so heartbroken, I mean I liked him so much. Today I still have not found soemone esle I care so much about. Sometimes I wonder if he was the one. But it really showed me that life doesnt go according to plan. Life is no fairy tale. I am no Cinderella, he is no prince charming. And the worst part, sometime I wonder if he still even remembers me. Or if I just dropped off the world too, like him. In the back of my mind, I will always care about him. It’s almost been a year now, and I still can not find it in me to shake him from my head… He always finds a way back in.

3) The third will surprise you. It really will. You might want to sit down and hold your breath for a second. This person may have changed my life the most. He changed the way I thought about life forever. A certain Nick Patterson. I realize how crazy that is. Considering how he acts and how he talks, I can almost hear what he’s thinking. We have smiliar minds. The same ideas and beliefs. The same species yes, but a  different beast entirely. He kind of showed me how fake people can be. And to never be fake and to sort of follow what I believe. Always be my true self. It’s weird too, since we have never spoken of such a thing. Sometimes it pops up, maybe for only a minute, and then the subject changes. But he kind of made me aware of things going on. I thank him and curse him all the same. I used to be trusting and friendly. Now I am more weary of people I don’t know. And Nick is to blame. Yet without him, I dont know, I wouldn’t be Chloe’ anymore.

4) The next is my great aunt Margaret. You’ve probably never heard of her but she matters to me. So much. First off, she lives on the most beautiful beach in the world. Just spending a few days at her house is my retreat. It always opens me spiritually. I feel so at peace with myself when I am there. Like I am floating and flying and swimming and sleeping all at once. It is the most wonderful feeling in the world. I’m not sure if it is so much the house or the place as the feel. I just love the feel of it. It feels like a happy house to me. I feel like I am in  heaven when I am there. And then Margaret, she makes the room oh so much brighter. She really showed me the big picture in life. To really meet it head on and be free and do what you want.  I remember I was 8 and she put her hands on my shoulders and said “Chloe’ Brett (my middle name), you’ve only got one life. You only get one. I want you to live it just as best you can. Don’t let nothing stop you. Don’t be afraid. You can change the world” Oh, I got that amazing feeling all over again just reading it. Margaret will forver be my sanctuary that I know I can always rely on.

5) The last person I would meet in heaven… Is not exactly a person. He has the requirments. His name is Henry, and he owns the Pawn Shop on the end of a street on the beach. The locals call him Old Man Henry and he wears an old 40’s top hat to work everyday. He has cancer. Only, Old Man Henry does not exist. I imagined him. He is all a figment of my imagination. I write about him. Sometimes I describe him so vividly I keep wanting to think he is real. Maybe he is real, and I just haven’t met him yet. Sometimes I meet him in dreams and he tells me what to do. I realize how crazy I sound. But he is just as important to me as any other of my friends. I would be devastated if “he” died. But the irony, in the end of this book, I write about him, he loses the battle to cancer. And he dies. I find that so strange. That I kill off someone I love so much. He is wise and always knows what to tell me, and boy can he play piano… But then it hits me and it nearly saddens me. He is not real.

 Well, I finally got my hair cut. (Layered and fairly long sideswept bangs (the shortest about at my nose and the longest just a little passed my ear) I updated my Devaintart. (I’ll add some of the pictures.) *click the links.

Smile For the Cameras

Snowed In Heartbreak Hotel