I realize this is my 3rd post today, I guess I’m just in the blogging mood. I feel like venting to someone.

Lately I’ve felt so depressed. Not like ohmigosh go cut my wrist depressed. And I’m not depressed because of Pumpkin or Ari or Him. I don’t know, lately I just feel kind of empty. It’s kind of hard to explain. I just feel like so many people around me are just so fake, and everyone just seems to go along with it, like it’s okay to be fake. Worse than that it is accepted, sometimes it is even considered “cool”. That really kills me.

Hmm, when you think about it. How would the world be different if everyone only cared about personality. What if looks didn’t matter? There would be no fasion magazines, no makeup, everyone would be so much more real.

Geeks would go out with cool kids, preps would go out with goths. It would be total chaos, but in a good way. People like Pumpkin would go out with people like me. People like Lauren would go out with people like Nick. Tyler’s would go out with Celeste’s, Ari’s would go out with Cristina’s. It would be crazy and mixed up ,but so right. Nothing would matter except how much you liked that person. Wouldn’t that just be really great? Just really really great? I would love that, I would really love that. ♥

I’m not saying I’m butt ugly or anything, but I’m not like drop-dead gorgeous. You know the usual, blonde hair, hazel eyes.

But God, what a place the world would be if looks didn’t matter…

The crazy things I do to feel full again. This happens every once a while. I just feel empty and alone, and once my head gets going on the idea, it doesn’t stop for weeks. It’s been a few days now. I can’t say I particularily like myself when I get like this. But it kind of comes with my character. I’m deeper than most people think. I have such an intellectual mind. I still haven’t met anyone who I can speak theoretically with. I haven’t met anyone I can ask questions like “where did it begin” “why am I I?” “who are we?” “who does the human race think it is?”. Questions like that. I could talk for hours about that. Sometimes (like today) the weight of it just hits me and I can’t stop thinking. I get so distracted and it really annoys everyone but I just can’t stop.

I do some crazy things to try to “cleanse” myself. Yesterday, I was taking a shower, and then all of the sudden, I turned the water as cold as it could go and just kept thinking and I started crying. I know that sounds crazy, but I was standing there in the cold water, alone with my thoughts, crying. That sounds absolutely insane, but I can’t even start to explain how empty I felt. Just, empty. I can’t think of a better way to describe it than just empty. Like if you opened me, there would be nothing there, no heart no soul. And then all the sudden, the next day I’m filled again. Insane. Really insane. I guess I think I’m losing myself or something. That would be really awful. It really would.

I heard this somewhere: “People are like bubbles. They look amazing on the outside. But they only last for a second. They are easily burst and empty inside. And in reality, they are the exact same.”

Well, there you have it.

People are like bubbles.

I will be 13 in 4 days. (Isn’t that exciting) I just want to make a list of what everyone got me so you will be very jealous.

$20, $15 iTunes giftcard, 9 bottles of nailpolish (2 silver, one white, 2 blue, 2 purple, 1 red and 1 pink), white, silver and black eyeliner, silver eyeshadow, straightener, nail files, manicure kit, chocolate, tic tacs, 2 bottle of lip gloss and earrings.

I haven’t gotten the stuff from my parents yet. I’m getting that on my real birthday. I don’t know if my sisters got me anything or not. It doesn’t really matter though. I mean I already got such amazing stuff from my friends.

I love you guys, <3

But if one of you can give me Pumpkin (preferrably) or Him for my birthday I’ll love you even MORE! Just kidding gosh, I’m not that shallow, X-x

There is a new guy I really like. To spare you the confusion we will name him Pumpkin. I’d never thought I’d like a guy like him.

I mean no kidding, I hated him last year,  would’ve tossed him off a cliff if I had the chance. But he’s changed a lot. He really has.

I talk about him enough to fill a 6 foot deep hole. (to my friends anyways)

He talks to me too. Usually at lunch and 3rd hour. But a lot in 6th hour. Sometimes we talk about stupid stuff like our hair or candycanes, or turtles or Evan. Sometimes we talk about really serious stuff. We both hate fake people. That’s our one similar trait. We talk about phonies all the time, we talk about people we think our real. Sometimes we even talk about people we like or our family. Sometimes he acts like he cares about me, and other times he’s like Chloe, why don’t you go jump off a bridge (not out loud but I can tell he’s thinking it)

On a day to day basis he asks me if his hair is okay. Sometimes I say yes (if it is) and sometimes I say no(if it isn’t) If I say no, he’ll either a) shake it out b) pull out his can of hairspray he carries with him or (my favorite) c) ask me to fix it. He knows I am a hair expert and I really do appreciate that he trusts his sacred hair to me.

At lunch, sometimes he will sit next to me, sometimes we will spend the whole 25 minutes talking about fake people. I mean it bothers the hell out of both of us. After lunch, sometimes he will walk with me and Deven and Joren, sometimes when Deven and Joren pull ahead to be alone, he will walk with me (this is on very rare occasion). When we get to our lockers, sometimes he will wait at mine and talk to me, sometimes I will wait at his and talk to him. Sometimes before class starts he sits behind me and drinks my vitamin water and we talk some more. We do that alot. Sometimes during class I will look over at him and see he is looking at me and he mouths “Hi” and I roll my eyes.

Once, we got partnered up for a few days in 3rd hour. Just me and him. We talked a LOT then. He sat across from me. I had my legs spread out kind of in a V shape (but not in a gross way or anything) and he put up his feet on my chair between my legs. It felt kind of weird but good too. We sat like that for about 10 minutes, before I pushed his feet down. He didn’t protest either.

He knows me by first name which is a lot more than most people can say. He actually announced to the world in 6th hour that we were friends, which really caught people off guard because it was kind of random. We were outside working in the garden, and he was like “Chloe, hey, Chloe” from a few feet away. I looked at him and he said, “We’re friends right?” And I was so suprised I could only nod my head.

He sits with me nearly every day in Science, sometimes to copy my answers, other times because the girl who sits next to him is annoying him or he wants to talk. So many reasons.

Once, I gave him a sip out of my Coke and he said “I love you,” Dude, I could’ve died right then and there. Then in Science, he was sitting behind me, and he pokes me with his pencil. Then he says “We’re best friends right?” And I’m like “Uh, I guess,” then he reaches out to give me a high 5. I expected him to phyce me out but what was I supposed to do. So I gave him a High 5 but he didn’t phyce me out. He’s a random little boy.

I mean honestly, I don’t like him because he’s hot (I won’t try to deny it, and say he’s not hot but I still like him. I mean, he’s really hot. I’m kind of stupid for liking someone so good-looking) I think he’s really smart, and we could have a good intellectual conversation. And he’s funny and I really appreciate how true to himself he is. And plus, even though he is so goolooking it’s not like he goes out wih every girl he can. He has maybe 2-4 girlfriends a year. And that doesn’t seem so crazy to me really.

He’s the kind of guy I can imagine myself marrying some day. I can’t really see him going out with me, becaus elike I said he is very good looking. Maybe if I was prettier, or more popular or something. Maybe in another world, or maybe in this world if everyone went out with people because of personalities instead of looks he’d go out with me. We really do have matching personalities. Too bad he’d never go out with me. And just when I think I have a chance with him, I think about what people would say to him. It wouldn’t last long. Not at all. It really wouldn’t

I went out with my friends yesterday and we got our nails done and then we went to Blondies (this resteraunt where I live) And I just kept talking about him (Pumpkin) Courtney doesn’t know I like him. God, I thought she’d figure it out by now. I was with Cristina and Celeste(who know I like him), and Caroline and Courtney (who don’t know). And Courtney actually said: “You know, you really are like a female Pumpkin. I hear you guys talking and it just kills me how alike you guys are” I really took that to heart. Maybe one day when we’re old and looks don’t matter anymore we’ll get married. Haha. If that happened, it’d really kill me. It really would just kill me.

I’ve dedicated the song “Chemistry of a Car Crash” to him. Everytime I hear it I think of Pumpkin. Maybe because of that one line: “You are the rights I’ll never known”. That’s actually one of his  favorite bands. We have similar music taste. He also like Underoath which is definitely in my top 10. (1. The Killers, 2. Shiny Toy Guns, 3. Fall Out Boy (classic), 4. Panic! At the Disco, 5. The Academy Is…, 6. Paramore, 7. Hellogoodbye, 8. Underoath, 9. Taking Back Sunday, 10. The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus are my top ten actually)

I’m a big believer in karma so I’ll end it at if it’s meant to be it will be.

I can see I’m boring you to tears. Later, Chloe’ out.