this is Nick fixing his hair in the middle of 6th hour *just pulls out a bottle of hair spray and BAM!

i know he’s a gorgeous beast but contain yourself

I realize this is my 3rd post today, I guess I’m just in the blogging mood. I feel like venting to someone.

Lately I’ve felt so depressed. Not like ohmigosh go cut my wrist depressed. And I’m not depressed because of Pumpkin or Ari or Him. I don’t know, lately I just feel kind of empty. It’s kind of hard to explain. I just feel like so many people around me are just so fake, and everyone just seems to go along with it, like it’s okay to be fake. Worse than that it is accepted, sometimes it is even considered “cool”. That really kills me.

Hmm, when you think about it. How would the world be different if everyone only cared about personality. What if looks didn’t matter? There would be no fasion magazines, no makeup, everyone would be so much more real.

Geeks would go out with cool kids, preps would go out with goths. It would be total chaos, but in a good way. People like Pumpkin would go out with people like me. People like Lauren would go out with people like Nick. Tyler’s would go out with Celeste’s, Ari’s would go out with Cristina’s. It would be crazy and mixed up ,but so right. Nothing would matter except how much you liked that person. Wouldn’t that just be really great? Just really really great? I would love that, I would really love that. ♥

I’m not saying I’m butt ugly or anything, but I’m not like drop-dead gorgeous. You know the usual, blonde hair, hazel eyes.

But God, what a place the world would be if looks didn’t matter…

The crazy things I do to feel full again. This happens every once a while. I just feel empty and alone, and once my head gets going on the idea, it doesn’t stop for weeks. It’s been a few days now. I can’t say I particularily like myself when I get like this. But it kind of comes with my character. I’m deeper than most people think. I have such an intellectual mind. I still haven’t met anyone who I can speak theoretically with. I haven’t met anyone I can ask questions like “where did it begin” “why am I I?” “who are we?” “who does the human race think it is?”. Questions like that. I could talk for hours about that. Sometimes (like today) the weight of it just hits me and I can’t stop thinking. I get so distracted and it really annoys everyone but I just can’t stop.

I do some crazy things to try to “cleanse” myself. Yesterday, I was taking a shower, and then all of the sudden, I turned the water as cold as it could go and just kept thinking and I started crying. I know that sounds crazy, but I was standing there in the cold water, alone with my thoughts, crying. That sounds absolutely insane, but I can’t even start to explain how empty I felt. Just, empty. I can’t think of a better way to describe it than just empty. Like if you opened me, there would be nothing there, no heart no soul. And then all the sudden, the next day I’m filled again. Insane. Really insane. I guess I think I’m losing myself or something. That would be really awful. It really would.

I heard this somewhere: “People are like bubbles. They look amazing on the outside. But they only last for a second. They are easily burst and empty inside. And in reality, they are the exact same.”

Well, there you have it.

People are like bubbles.

I will be 13 in 4 days. (Isn’t that exciting) I just want to make a list of what everyone got me so you will be very jealous.

$20, $15 iTunes giftcard, 9 bottles of nailpolish (2 silver, one white, 2 blue, 2 purple, 1 red and 1 pink), white, silver and black eyeliner, silver eyeshadow, straightener, nail files, manicure kit, chocolate, tic tacs, 2 bottle of lip gloss and earrings.

I haven’t gotten the stuff from my parents yet. I’m getting that on my real birthday. I don’t know if my sisters got me anything or not. It doesn’t really matter though. I mean I already got such amazing stuff from my friends.

I love you guys, <3

But if one of you can give me Pumpkin (preferrably) or Him for my birthday I’ll love you even MORE! Just kidding gosh, I’m not that shallow, X-x

There is a new guy I really like. To spare you the confusion we will name him Pumpkin. I’d never thought I’d like a guy like him.

I mean no kidding, I hated him last year,  would’ve tossed him off a cliff if I had the chance. But he’s changed a lot. He really has.

I talk about him enough to fill a 6 foot deep hole. (to my friends anyways)

He talks to me too. Usually at lunch and 3rd hour. But a lot in 6th hour. Sometimes we talk about stupid stuff like our hair or candycanes, or turtles or Evan. Sometimes we talk about really serious stuff. We both hate fake people. That’s our one similar trait. We talk about phonies all the time, we talk about people we think our real. Sometimes we even talk about people we like or our family. Sometimes he acts like he cares about me, and other times he’s like Chloe, why don’t you go jump off a bridge (not out loud but I can tell he’s thinking it)

On a day to day basis he asks me if his hair is okay. Sometimes I say yes (if it is) and sometimes I say no(if it isn’t) If I say no, he’ll either a) shake it out b) pull out his can of hairspray he carries with him or (my favorite) c) ask me to fix it. He knows I am a hair expert and I really do appreciate that he trusts his sacred hair to me.

At lunch, sometimes he will sit next to me, sometimes we will spend the whole 25 minutes talking about fake people. I mean it bothers the hell out of both of us. After lunch, sometimes he will walk with me and Deven and Joren, sometimes when Deven and Joren pull ahead to be alone, he will walk with me (this is on very rare occasion). When we get to our lockers, sometimes he will wait at mine and talk to me, sometimes I will wait at his and talk to him. Sometimes before class starts he sits behind me and drinks my vitamin water and we talk some more. We do that alot. Sometimes during class I will look over at him and see he is looking at me and he mouths “Hi” and I roll my eyes.

Once, we got partnered up for a few days in 3rd hour. Just me and him. We talked a LOT then. He sat across from me. I had my legs spread out kind of in a V shape (but not in a gross way or anything) and he put up his feet on my chair between my legs. It felt kind of weird but good too. We sat like that for about 10 minutes, before I pushed his feet down. He didn’t protest either.

He knows me by first name which is a lot more than most people can say. He actually announced to the world in 6th hour that we were friends, which really caught people off guard because it was kind of random. We were outside working in the garden, and he was like “Chloe, hey, Chloe” from a few feet away. I looked at him and he said, “We’re friends right?” And I was so suprised I could only nod my head.

He sits with me nearly every day in Science, sometimes to copy my answers, other times because the girl who sits next to him is annoying him or he wants to talk. So many reasons.

Once, I gave him a sip out of my Coke and he said “I love you,” Dude, I could’ve died right then and there. Then in Science, he was sitting behind me, and he pokes me with his pencil. Then he says “We’re best friends right?” And I’m like “Uh, I guess,” then he reaches out to give me a high 5. I expected him to phyce me out but what was I supposed to do. So I gave him a High 5 but he didn’t phyce me out. He’s a random little boy.

I mean honestly, I don’t like him because he’s hot (I won’t try to deny it, and say he’s not hot but I still like him. I mean, he’s really hot. I’m kind of stupid for liking someone so good-looking) I think he’s really smart, and we could have a good intellectual conversation. And he’s funny and I really appreciate how true to himself he is. And plus, even though he is so goolooking it’s not like he goes out wih every girl he can. He has maybe 2-4 girlfriends a year. And that doesn’t seem so crazy to me really.

He’s the kind of guy I can imagine myself marrying some day. I can’t really see him going out with me, becaus elike I said he is very good looking. Maybe if I was prettier, or more popular or something. Maybe in another world, or maybe in this world if everyone went out with people because of personalities instead of looks he’d go out with me. We really do have matching personalities. Too bad he’d never go out with me. And just when I think I have a chance with him, I think about what people would say to him. It wouldn’t last long. Not at all. It really wouldn’t

I went out with my friends yesterday and we got our nails done and then we went to Blondies (this resteraunt where I live) And I just kept talking about him (Pumpkin) Courtney doesn’t know I like him. God, I thought she’d figure it out by now. I was with Cristina and Celeste(who know I like him), and Caroline and Courtney (who don’t know). And Courtney actually said: “You know, you really are like a female Pumpkin. I hear you guys talking and it just kills me how alike you guys are” I really took that to heart. Maybe one day when we’re old and looks don’t matter anymore we’ll get married. Haha. If that happened, it’d really kill me. It really would just kill me.

I’ve dedicated the song “Chemistry of a Car Crash” to him. Everytime I hear it I think of Pumpkin. Maybe because of that one line: “You are the rights I’ll never known”. That’s actually one of his  favorite bands. We have similar music taste. He also like Underoath which is definitely in my top 10. (1. The Killers, 2. Shiny Toy Guns, 3. Fall Out Boy (classic), 4. Panic! At the Disco, 5. The Academy Is…, 6. Paramore, 7. Hellogoodbye, 8. Underoath, 9. Taking Back Sunday, 10. The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus are my top ten actually)

I’m a big believer in karma so I’ll end it at if it’s meant to be it will be.

I can see I’m boring you to tears. Later, Chloe’ out.

If someone could make a diagram of my heart, probably about half would be donated to my best friends. They keep my insanity. Each one has their own trait that makes me feel good.

Cristina makes me feel good, maybe because she listens to me. Sometimes I feel like nobody’s ever listening to me. I feel like i talk but no one can hear me, and the few that can just don’t care enough  to say/do anything.

Courtney makes me feel good because she can relate to me. Because we have so much in common, she really knows how to give good advice.

Alex makes me feel good because she laughs at me (sometimes in the good way, sometimes in the bad way). Sometimes she gives me those weird “What the heck” looks that only /she/ can give, but she always laughs when I make a funny, which makes me feel special because i feel like my purpose in life is to make people happy. 

Ari makes me feel good, because he keeps life interesting. Just um /interesting/

Tyler makes me feel good because he always makes me laugh. And he makes me feel loved. Even though sometimes he makes me feel horrible about myself, unintentionally /generally/

Nick makes me feel good (you’re probably wondering why i mention him) because he gives me something to look forward to. I don’t know why, but i like seeing him in class. he makes me smile for some reason, unbeknowst to me.

Celeste makes me feel good because she acts like she cares. A lot of people don’t love me enough to even act like they care.

Deven may ignore me to isolation sometimes because of Joren, but she really makes me smile.

John, doesn’t know who I am, but he makes me feel good, becaus ehe is so cute and he gives me someone to /impress/ every day

I have a lot of other friends, but those are the one that impact my life most on a day-to-day basis.

Then my family and my random crushes are squeezed into the other half.

I can tell by the look on your face that you are fascinated

I don’t know what I was expecting. I guess I was expecting a scene from a movie or something. But I guess in relaity stuff like that NEVER happens.

I saw him walking to 2nd hour with Nick, and I turned down the hall that lead to my class. I really don’t know what I was thinking was /going/ to happen. I kind of wanted him to run over and just start talking to me. I know that’s stupid… really stupid the more I think about it. but I don’t know, I guess I just set myself some kind of standards. He didn’t even wave, God, I was just crushed. I mean he’s really not the type to scream out your name and wave around his arms even if he /does/ like you, but still maybe even just a little nod so that I knew he at least noticed me, or looked my way or something. But he just kept walking.

God.

Emotional turmoil.

My friend got back from the Hospital today. I missed her a lot, and we played a long overdue prank on another friend of ours. xD It was a good one too.

Oh, and I don’t think TJ hates me anymore, which really doesn’t matter to me right now. I mean, I’ll probably care a lot tomorrow, but today, I don’t know, I think I was just adjusting to him ignoring me and stuff, and then he waits for me after 4th hour and hugs me and then hugs me again after school. Lauren’s right, men are so confusing.

Ari was absent today. I don’t know why everyone thinks I care so much. I mean I do, I’d be a scrooge not to. But it’s not like the end of the world because he’s sick or anything. Gosh, people are stupid sometimes, XP

Hmm, a lot happened in one day. It really did. That’s quite interesting, because someday’s nothing happens at all.

Here’s a random thought for ya. What makes one day different from another? I mean the sun comes up and goes down the same every day. And it’s the same people, and the same place and generally the same situations.What can make one day, according to these circumstances, amazing and another “the worst day of your life”. I mean what is it? Really, I’d like to know. I really would. What make today any different from yesterday? Or what makes yesterday different from tomorrow? What makes 2 years from now any different than this exact moment?

I think it has less to do with people changing and more to do with ourselves changing. I think it has to do with ourselves and how we grow and how we act. When you really think about it, it all comes down to us, and whether we’ve got the guts or not to keep going. 

I’m so stupid for liking a guy like “him”. I mean he’s into cheerleaders. :/

My friends say it’s totally naturally. He has that “attainable” statues, like if I really tried I could probably get him. And he really is decently cute. He has the most gorgeous silver-brown eyes. It’s too dangerous to release his name on the internet. What a disaster /that/ could turn into. He was being so sweet today. We made a lot of eye contact and he went to leave the classroom, and he /looked back at me/ and smiled. *dreamy*

He’s so funny too. I’ve liked him for a few weeks now, just never really got around to blogging about him. Too much Ari drama. Oh, and much to contrary belief, “he” is not Ari.

Now he’s confusing for you. I mean REALLY comfusing. He’ll smile at me and talk and flirt his brains out, but then the next day he’ll ignore me till I want to go cry in a corner somewhere. Today we looked at each other. I mean just /looked/ at each other, square in the eye for at least a mintue. I mean that’s a whole 60 seconds. SIXTY SECONDS! And I look at Celeste and she smiles because she knows I like him, and I had just cried to her hopelessly a few minutes before saying /oh I don’t know if he likes me/ and /oh why doesn’t he ask me out?/ and /we’d look so cute together/. Sometimes it feels good to just shoot the poop (I got that from ‘The Catcher in The Rye’) with good ol’ Celeste sometimes. Because most of the time she just nods along and listens. Well maybe she’s not really listening. Maybe she’s wondering why the smoothies at lunch are so expensive or why that cloud passing by looks like a kitten. But at least she pretends to listen. And if she wants to laugh, she holds it in for at least a minute. Which I really appreciate anyways.

It’s sad I’ve had to make a sequel to my lengthy Ari post…

Okay, today three girls came up to me and said they liked him. THREE. Supposedly it’s “for all the right reasons” but I just happen to be very skeptical. I usually am, about everything. But since Ari’s my best friend I am overly skeptical about chicks liking him just because he’s sweet (which he is but which is absolutely /not/ why /they/ like him)

I hate to mention any names, especially the one that concerns me most. She says she doesn’t like him anymore, but she says a lot of things. I appreciate her asking my permission and all, but it’s not like she can’t get any guy she wants. Why, of all the guys, in the whole school that she /can/ get, she has to go for my best friend? I mean why? They’ve gone out at least 3 times in the past, and it’s never worked out. Sometimes I wonder if he’s only in it for the fame. Sometimes I wodner if she’s only in it, to be in it.

 I realize I talk about these girls that like Ari like another species. But sometimes they are. I always thought guys were hard to figure out, but so are girls. They just act so smooth around him, so nonchalant and swavy and all that. Sometimes I think he doesn’t even notice they’re trying to play that cutesy card. But then again he doesn’t realize much of anything. I could dye my hair red and cut it real short and he probably wouldn’t even give it a second look and just start talking about our language homework or something. He’s funny like that.

I honestly don’t think Ari’s into anyone, not right now anyways. But then again, he totally could be, like I said guys are hard to read too.

I’m very bored, but I can’t think of anything to write about.

So right now, I will reflect on my life.

I realize now, I’ve been really confused on what’s happening. And lately, it seems like my sense of right and wrong has been clouded. I mean I’m not saying I’ve done anything I’m going to regret or anything, or like I did drugs or smoked or something CRAZY like that. But I just fel like something happens and I just wonder to myself, /am i doing this right?/

I’m talking to my friends and then I just wonder /is this right?/ or /can i really trust him?/

I’m just, I don’t know, i think confused is really the best way to put it. They should make a rulebook of life. like #1: don’t trust her. #2: don’t talk to him on Tuesday, you guys are going to fight.

Can you imagine how much easier life would be if you had one of those in your pocket? And whenever you were unsure you can just take it out and look? And suddenly you know the way? You know the RIGHT way?

God am I frusterated!

Okay, me and Ari have been (like REALLY) best friends since the beginning of the school year. I mean he never really was like /hot/ or anything but he was cute and nice and funny, and we BONDED. We tried the whole “more than friends” thing for about an hour, but it just didn’t /work/. I never really had that much of a problem before, because like I said he wasn’t like drop dead gorgeous or anything. We were both single fishes that always stuck together. A lot of people harassed us about that too.

But anwyays, now I’m pretty mad (not at him, no no not at all) because he dyed his hair like this brownish-blonde and everyone’s like “ohmigosh he’s so hot!!!1!!111one!” I /honestly/ don’t see /much/ difference. I’ll admit he looks a lot cuter but for real, a DYE JOB can turn him into the /new/ cutest guy on campus? That’s just really shallow on the school’s part. I mean seriously.

I don’t get what the big deal is. People dye their hair all the time. What makes /this/ any different than when Maddy snuck out and dyed her hair black or when Noel went out and dyed the tips red, no that was /no/ big deal. What makes Ari’s hair ANY different?

I don’t know why I care so much, I just can’t STAND how shallow people can be sometimes. I mean God, have a little depth, even only if it’s a few feet of flavored water. I mean let’s just play pretend for a few minutes. What if Ari gets all caught up in his ego (he has in the past) and then he thinks because everyone wants to be his friend now, he can just get rid of me like an old T-shirt. I mean that /really/ could happen. At my school stuff like that happens all the time. It’s really sad, but it really does happen all the TIME. 

Wow, Ive really taken control of this blog, some people write in like once a month and when they do it’s like a few sentences. I hope you realize I’m spilling my guts right hear. Right on this stage, I’m really spilling my guts. Not as eliquent as I may have imagined but it’ll do the trick.

I finsihed Catcher in the Rye. It really had a weird ending. Phoebe’s on the Carosoul and Holden’s sitting on the bench watching her and it starts to rain, and she’s reaching for the golden ring but he doesn’t want her to reach for it or anything. My dad says that that’s symbolic of not wanting to grow up, but I just don’t really follow, I guess I kinda do. And according to dad, in the last chapter, he’s in a mental hospital. Boy, that ending was really soemething else.