So I’m extremely stressed lately.

Helping people is supposed to make you feel good, right?

I feel like I’m being taken advantage of.

Member the Pirates I told you about? Well the one got into trouble now the other one is left with a baby and no income. Now he’s relying on my boyfriend and me for his needs. First he suckered us into letting him sleep here. Then He was bumming cigarettes of my boyfriend and eating our leftovers when we usually can only afford a meal a day, but then he hasn’t had anything at all so we feel bad. Then, still feeling very much sorry for him, we let him stay a few nights because he said he was working something out with a local pastor.

I started to get upset when he would sit at my business all day not even looking for a job. Then when he realized I wouldn’t give him any more of my boyfriend’s cigarettes while he was asleep, he started hustling my costumers for cigarettes and money. He would also bother me about putting on movies for him when I was busy at work and when I forgot he came up to me and reminded me in a way I found quite rude. I was upset but I went and did it. He also takes up computers too that are needed for customers.

Eventually I told my boyfriend who became close to him than I, especially at the moment, that he can’t hang out here all day and that he should be looking for a job and that he also could not sleep here either. He never slept here before and just because he has a baby does not mean he can now.

Although I did let the baby stay as they asked.

Now we’re basically taking care of it and it’s not fair. I’m still young and shouldn’t be doing this yet, at least I didn’t choose to. He’s a man basically pawning off his child to young people not yet ready for their own baby, leaving its responsibility to us! (Well my boyfriend actually, I refuse to watch or be responsible for someone else child other than family).

And he wants be to start a baby fund for him here and put it next to my tip jar. That’s basically him stealing extra money I get along with my low/part time income. And on top of that, he keeps requesting $20.

I finally gonna say it…NO!

I’m tired of people who use you and at the same time tell you, you have to learn to say no and when you do, they think you’re a mean person.

Well I can’t support my self, my boyfriend, and a man and his child.  I don’t care if it’s mean but either he has to find somewhere else soon, or at least a job or I will be forced to call child services as it’s my responsibility as an adult now. But I don’t want to get a friend’s child taken away, but I can’t leave the baby on the streets and it can’t stay here…what to do??!!

Besides that I’ve just been having dark thoughts lately. I guess it’s stemming from this problem and the rest I have.

I guess I should be a little less nice next time…

o(*≧д≦)o″)) “Mean Cheza…” /// Cheza o(´^｀)o …Namida…

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Many hours later…

 Well I guess I took too long to type the post above in between work and stuff, so it wouldn’t save right. So I saved it word to continue later. But I didn’t know that it would happen so fast. So yes, the Pirate and his baby are gone. It was a big argument where he said he wasn’t the problem and his baby wasn’t the problem but when I asked if I was he said I guess so. How rude! I got so mad I basically kicked him out. (And almost literally did it!) (>.<)!! And of course it cause tension between by boyfriend and I because they talked a lot. But they really were backstabbers to each other. My boy friend use to tell me not to feed the strays because they keep coming back, now he was the one feeding them. And that guy use to come on to me and tell me he’s ready for me whenever I break up with my boyfriend. That was when I started to hate him more.

Anyway he’s gone so I want to just put it in the past.

I was waiting for the gypsy who rents the alley from us. I like talking to her, her spiritual outlook on the world and life is amazing. It’s just nice to hear her talk about things. She showed me a wand she’s making at the moment. And I’m kind of into that stuff and she wants to teach me more. But she also agreed that I was doing the right thing about the situation and that I wasn’t the problem. I really needed to hear that from someone. My boyfriend sure started to agree with the pirate…I thought I was alone on the subject and really might ha

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The next day…

So I never got a chance to finish this post a second time. Well the next day the gypsy lady tells me that they caught him ton camera stealing his bike. She was furious. She said she feels it was because he asked her for money and she didn’t have it and he thinks she was influencing my choice to kick him out. So he did it for revenge but he made a mistake, a very dumb one.

She has a restraining order against him and he is not allowed to come near her and her stuff which includes our business because she rents here too. She says she was not angry about her bike because it was a good thing he can’t come around here no more; it permanently got rid of extra stress.

But there’s still tension between the boy friend and I regardless. It’s not like it use to be … Even I admit we are not for each other, as he likes to claim sometimes. I deny it, but I secretly believe it too. Sad thing is it’s probably one of the only thoughts left we have in common, where both may be right…

No more pirate acquaintances for me for awhile,

Cheza

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(*｀ω´)σ PS:: Maybe I should round up the courage to get rid of another certain someone who I fine unappealing at the time, an utter annoyance. But I need to see the great wizard, Oz first.

I’ve been having many nostalgic feelings lately…

Memories of my past Autums overwhelm my thoughts.

So, what have I been up too lately?

Watchin ALOT of movies and doing a lot of nothing.

I feel like I’m wasting my time and life. I don’t really have time to myself anymore anyway. It’s not that I’m busy all day, but that I doing something else than what I’d rather be doing but I’m stuck like this for now. I so hope the next year brings better things for me than it has now.

I do really wish to blog more, but I have nothing to say. Nothing goes on much anymore to even bother blogging, nothing excitining anyway. I have nothing to talk about and nothing to show lately. It’s just abunch of nothing. I need more.

I feel there is so manny things I want to do, but I don’t have the time or resources it always seems.

I have been opening up Photoshop again. Many years ago I started fooling around with it and we I eventually became quite nomadic, I had to temporaily give it up. Its been like 4 5 years now? and I feel like an alien to the program. Somethings I did remember, but not as nearly much. I have however learned many new things about the computer since I have been back. Mostly technical issues with hardware and software, and I’ve gotten pretty good at improving system performance, ect. Things like that.

I’ve also too been drawing again and have found a new technique that works for my stlye. It’s so amazing how you finally do learn that technique you needed to advance to the next step and the amazing results you now get. It’s great and it makes me feel little better knowing I have ‘dramatically’ increased my skills.

As well, I’ve been writing alot. I’ve always wrote these stories mostly for myself. I had publised one once, as a quizilla sort of thing. (You guys who are familiar with Quizilla know how these type of stories work.) It was a fanfiction but I don’t want to say which one. Going back now, It wasn’t ready. That was probably the only thing I ever shared besides things I was required to share in a class I took in the school I went to two years ago. (or is it 4? O.o?). Anyways, I grew up litterly writting faction starting with Dragonballz and Sailormoon. (Yes, this is a storry from way back in those days.) I was probably in 4th or 5th grade when I started writing them, maybe even younger! I just loved to write my own versions that I was part of. Reality I guess just wasnt my cup of tea back then. So over the years I wrote on and off and I have began to write again, except this time it is not fanfiction. It’s still fiction, but it’s my own original characters, ect.

I just seem to be haveing abit of trouble with it. I think there are too many elememnts, too many things I want to happen, too many  things I expect from my characters. Yesterday, I got the idea that I might be trying to blend two different story ideas I might actuallt have into one. Once I thought of that and tried seperating them, it helped alot.

So much I wanna do in my future: Write a book (or maybe even a series), own my own Cafe, be a graphics designer, and maybe even a fashion designer? I want to do a lot, but not it all…lol. I know I keep telling myself I will get started soon when I really should start now, but trust me when I say I just can’t!

Well, that’s enough for taday I guess, not that I’ve said much in awhile. Just once I start ramnbling I can’t stop and I’m even doing it now so I’m just going to go back to my daily boring life.

(It really feels like I’m reliving Groundhog day!)

tsumann[[[AI]]] yo …

Today was another odd celebration where men and women go from bar to bar for free beer and wear only red dresses. It’s a crazy one! Morale was high, but so was the nudity!Σ(O_O；)Shock！！Lol

Next year?? I want in! hehe. I just want to wear a red dress and celebrate too!

I was thinking…so much happens here, that maybe at the start of the new year. I want to blog on every time something is celebrated and get pictures so that I can share with you the fun mess I live in!

I do love it here, for the most part.

Cheà

(You can see even the males have to wear them, lol)

It sure is raining alot these days…

I don’t know what’s going on now, or what to do.

I dont think I’m in love anymore, but still love him.

Daily life…boring.

If work I do that, if not, I’m just sitting around waiting for something to do.

I feel like I’m wasting my time and life right now.

Actually, I’ve felt like I’ve been wasting my life time for years now. I keep making plans for myself but I never follow through because it seems something happens to get inot the way.

Usually it requires me to move again, start all over, plan for next year.

I can’t seem to , move forward or go anywhere. I feel like I’m stuck like this, with no future. I just relive my days basically the same everyday now…

I really hate me, at the moment. I want a change.

 Life is a roller coaster lately.

Sometimes I’m content, but mostly…

I’ve been depressed.

Living just seems to be hard right now, but i’m still trying to hold on.

Lately I have been crying about being alone, but not I want to be…I think.

I think the problem is I do not have the balance I need in my life to keep me stress free. That’s what I practicing by the way, to be stress free.

(I hear stress can shorten your life span (?-_・)ﾝ? )

But anyway I need to feel needed and un alone, but also at times I NEED so kind of escape. I don’t like how I feel as if I’m wasting my life right now. But I will change it soon! I must do something before I have waited too long!

Ai,Cheza

It rained today . . . and I think that’s funny.

It’s funny because my boyfriend and I like to sit out front on the steps during these hot/humid sunny days and tell people that they ’should have brought their umbrella.’ We were just kidding around, being bored  kids.

We were coming out of McDonalds and it sponatneously was pouring.

Guess WE should have bought our umbrellas.

I hung out with some real Pirates yesterday, so they claimed.

I did say that I didnt think real Pirates existed anymore, but they said “Sure they do!” Of course, these two particular ones happened to be ‘land pirates’?

So I then asked, What do pirates these days do.”

They replied, “Move around, get what we want, then leave.”

I laughed. Pirate basics I guess it works.

Anywhere else they’re probably be called bums, but here, they are Pirates! and they evne dress like it.

Sugoi ne!

Wow…My blog has turned into a Neopets/Art Blog….hehe

Not really my intentions, I just don’t really have much else to blog….nothing else is really going on.

Finally did get a charger for my camera about a month ago but I can’t seem to find how to video. I’m starting to think it dosent do that. What digital camera these days does not have that feature?! It’s a Casio Elixim. I might end up selling it to help pay for a Canon perhaps…like the one I use to have. I miss that camera. But this takes picturea still so I’m having some entertainment with it I guess.

There was a fire too. Two blocks down from us. Smoke filled the air so thick that it seemed the fire was a few doors down. It was a little frightint since there was a great fire that nearly destroyed our city years ago. It’s part of our history.

Recently…as in just a few minutes ago I had abit of an argument w/ my boyfriend. Sometimes he acts a little to cocky for my liking.

He’s one of those people who are good at everything, which I don’t mind because If I need help doing anything, such as playing games on neopets, I have one of those ‘ultimate people’ lol.

Just now he was saying again how he can do anything, I sarcastically started asking if he knew about creating websites usuing html. He ‘claimes’ he can. The basics are pretty normal for people who generally use computers to know now adays so I give him that. But he got cocky with it, especially when I said that one code error could make everything or atleast the majority of it not work. I said this because I know of one thing he cant do and that is spell, which is pretty crucial that you not mispell codes which is almost another language, a computer language. So if you can’t spell in this language….get where I was going with that? As well he’s not even a computer user. I could live on it, he’s gets bored with it, as if there is nothing to to on it where I have limtied time (I feel sometimes, lol) for all the internet has to offer me. He claims her knows html because his sister showed him on myspace, but it’s much harder than he thinks.

I guess I got a little upset again because I thought computers were the one thing I was better at than him, that he couldn’t surpass me in.

I have to be honest though, at times I do feel envious. Usually its when I think I pretty good at something, then he does it better. It didnt get to me at first, but when he seemed to do all I thought I was uniquely good at just as good or better, usually better. I don’t mean to be that way, but I have the emotion like others and it comes out sometimes and I get frustrated with him and I can be a bit rude about it.

I fear my envy might turn this into a competition between us, causing much tension. I really really don’t want that.

If anyone reads this, and has and idea of what I can do to not feel this way, please help.

S.O.S. ////ChezAi