Already deep into September…and I have been Missing.

Apologies…

I feel abit sad and lost these days.

My future seems to shift farther and father away and life seems dark at the end of the tunnel and a bit scary in some ways that make me often not want to venture down it to find out.

As a result of my feelings, I have been lacking around.

In recent attempts to have fun and feel ‘alive’ I have been doing some damage to my body and to my image (i think) in the eyes of others.

Recently I have not quite fallen in love, but come to very much like and enjoy the company in another. At first i was very shy, as I sometimes can be with people I really am fond of, but when I began to loosen up, I start to become to comfortable to a point that when I do speak up or act up, I end up making my self feel humiliated inside and it makes me want to crawl back into my shell.

Sometimes this person makes me feel very good and happy when i really need it, and other times they make me feel like an annoying, innocent child.

Why do I seem to always be atracted to mostly bad boys? Is it because I am a good girl who secretly wants to be bad, or who gets a thrill out of being bad and they give me a thrill and make me feel alive? I think these personal choices and this lifestlye is dangerous for me…but then again sometimes, when I feel sad again, i do not care.

That is not a good thing, and I know.

But what does thins person really think about me? it’s so hard to see. At first I could tell that he liked me alot and his friends all said so. Sometimes it still seems that way at moments, but in other quick moments, it can all change in a second. It’s makes me sad to also thing that they might move to another counrty soon. I’m not sure if this was a joke or for real, but he said he was going and he was going to take his to friends. I’m not sure if i would want to go, but i was there and nobody mentioned me in the picture at all. I feel like and outsider everywhere go now, and it’s mostly because I am. The people I grew up with are all gone now and when I kept moving I only moved with people already in deep firendships that I could never fit completely into and now I feel alone and isolated. i have no close friends at the moment and it hurts to watch everyone else having relationships I dream about but lack.

Right now all I have is my ipod and a notebook full of dreams and ideas for a future I might not ever pursue.

Being a Pisces is harsh on me these days, but I am a dreamer…which seems to be all I have right now….

Till Next time…Chez*Ai

Ps:: My New friend I mentioned, the one I liked, said he was on his way to come see me and chat. That was almost 3 hours ago and it’s very late. I don’t think he’s coming. -sigh-