Published in my ROOTS&WINGS column in the Lifestyle section of the Philippine Daily Inquirer, April 20, 2008

Last night I was having dinner with my mother and I realized that I was slowly becoming her.

Mom has always had wonderful skin and long, dark hair. They came to be because of years of diligent care. Mom would steep herself in virgin coconut oil on a daily basis long before it became vogue. Nowadays, I find myself obsessing over the same regimen.

Her outspokenness and sense of humor were outstanding characteristics. As I entered the 40something years, having shed the inhibitions of my younger years, I find myself embodying these very same traits.

Widowed in her late 40s, she showed me how to live a life where God becomes your partner and ally in all things and how nothing is impossible when you place your full trust in Him. When I lost my son ten years ago, it was this role-modeling that helped me keep my head above the water

Acclaimed psychologist, Dr. Stephan Poulter talks about how strongly our mothers influence us in his latest book – The Mother Factor: How Your Mother’s Emotional Legacy Impacts Your Life”. Poulter says, “Ninety-five percent of the time, it’s your emotional history spilling into the present.” And this holds true not only for daughters, but sons as well.

Poulter shows in his book how there may be more of a direct link between our successes in life and our mothers more than we might care to understand. I suppose if you had a mother who made you believe that you could achieve anything (this of course pre-supposes that she is reasonable in assessing your talents and skills) then more often than not that would happen.

In a March 2008 New York Times article on Barack Obama’s mother, he is quoted as saying, “I think sometimes that had I known she would not survive her illness, I might have written a different book — less a meditation on the absent parent, more a celebration of the one who was the single constant in my life,” he wrote in the preface to his memoir, “Dreams From My Father.” He added, “I know that she was the kindest, most generous spirit I have ever known, and that what is best in me I owe to her.”

Another presidential candidate, Sen. John Mc Cain, who in his 70s is seeking the highest office in land, constantly talks about his 96 year old mother who to this day continues to travel around the world. The same article quotes friends of Obama’s mother (“A very, very big thinker”) saying they see her influence unmistakably in Mr. Obama.

I know of a highly-successful female executive who as a young girl in high school constantly sought her mother’s approval. She would rake in all the academic awards ever possible and yet, she says that for her mother it was never enough. A few years ago, she was retrenched when her company merged with another and the incident led her into a deep depression. “My identity was always tied-up to who I was at work and what I could achieve,” she tells me. Today, she has fully recovered and is happily doing NGO work for an advocacy she has always been passionate about.
The perfectionist mother such as the one my friend had is just one of five predominant types of mothering styles that Poulter discusses in his book. The other styles are as follows —

• The “unpredictable” mother is a control freak, fearful and anxious. She focuses on appearance over substance and creates a child who is often ashamed, never good enough, focused on external issues and ultimately, self-loathing. Poulter advises that to overcome these problems, you must first “consider your opinion the most valuable because this concept stops the agony of people pleasing and worrying about other people’s opinions of you.”

• The “me first” mother is has children who come second to her, or worst, last, among her priorities. Self-serving, approval-seeking, non-empathetic, critical and arrogant, she sees the child as an extension of herself. The child can feel dismissed, emotionally deprived, self-doubting and angry. As adults, these people must learn to understand that they are “good enough,” he says.

• The “best friend” mother is apparently the style that has become most popular today, but also the most dangerous. Mothers, who try to dress like their teen-agers, go partying or drinking with them, fall under this category where boundaries are almost non-existent. This style creates an unbalanced emotional dependence and the child grows up feeling abandoned, neglected, angry, and yes, “motherless.” Poulter says this type of mothering is very predominant in Hollywood. Think Lindsay Lohan whose mother goes out drinking with her, or the late Anna Nicole smith who died of an accidental prescription drug overdose just five months after her own 20-year old son.

• The “complete” mother is one who is secure, insightful and nurturing; she understands her child’s needs and desires and guides them towards their own personal fulfillment and growth. Her child grows up to be someone empowered and navigates the transition from childhood to adolescence to adulthood with great ease.
Many mothers are a combination of the above but majority fit into one category than others. Poulter says that often it is by understanding how our mother’s legacy affects us today are we able fathom some of our deepest feelings, motivations and bind ourselves to the relationships that we are truly worthy of. So the next time you find yourself struggling with issues at work or in your personal life, you might want look into your childhood or evaluate the emotional legacy that the woman who brought you into this world has left on your life.

The Medical City’s Center for Patient Partnership will hold a lay forum on “Parenting 101” topics to be covered are pre-natal care, skin care during pregnancy, anesthesia options for labor and delivery, breastfeeding and practical tips for expectant parents. Call 635-6789 local 6444 to register.