Will Matilda ever remember Heath after he has long been gone?

Reading this entry on the Babyrazzi.com website made me stop, and reflect, looking into my own life and into my files (I teach a course on grief at the Ateneo De Manila) to answer this question that many people have wondered about since the day Heath died.

The very first question you would most likely as is — Can a child this young understand the loss? My answer to that is, yes, they may not be able to fully comprehend it at this stage but they are able to feel it at his point, perhaps just as deeply as an older child or adult would but they will not be able to fully express the depth of their pain. Children this age do not yer understand the permanence of death and therefore will probably ask time and again, from out of the blue — Where’s daddy? or Where’s mommy?. The important thing for the parent or caregiver to do is not to reply to the child with euphemisms by saying that he or she is asleep or that he or she in in heaven, or worse, say that God needed another angel. For a child this age, you can simply say that “Daddy died.” and try to gently explain, in the simplest terms possible why he is not coming back.

Children also grieve in a cyclical pattern. Meaning, the grief or loss will revisit them at various stages in their developmental process and as they remember, there will be more questions because they are slowly inderstanding and coming to terms with the loss. A child, like Matilda, who lost her father at two, may feel the grief all over again at age seven, perhaps on an occasion such as Father’s Day, and have new questions that she will want to ask of her surviving parent. That same issue may be raised again at age 12 or 13, upon an important milestone in the child’s life, like a graduation, with even more probing questions, and then again in late adolescence. The most important thing to remember is to reply to the questions patiently, in a manner appropriate to the age of the child, to the degree with which they can comprehend it.

Children grieve differently from adults. They may appear okay on the surface but hurt deep inside. They may be sad one minute and playing the next. Play is one way of coping up to a certain age. Being the surviving parent, do not be afraid to grieve in front of your child. Of course hysteria is not encouraged but it’s okay to cry in front of your children. That way, they will understand your pain and it can be a venue for you to share memories of your departed loved one.

It is also very important to have a support group available — for yourself, as a parent and for the grieving child. You will not be able to answer all your child’s questions and since you yourself are grieving too, it is very important to get some outside help. Teresa Vorsheck, director of the Highmark Caring Place, a center for grieving children, adolescents and their families in Pennsylvania, says the most important thing of all is just to listen and to be willing to admit you don’t have the answers. For example, if a child asks where Mommy or Daddy is, and you don’t know what to say, it’s OK to say you don’t know. If you come from a strong spiritual belief, that can help with the answers, but if you don’t, don’t be afraid to ask the child, “What do you think?” Try to find the answers together.

“As parents, when a child is hurting, we often feel we need to have the answers and to fix it, but there’s no fix for this other than to bring the person back, and we can’t do that,” Vorsheck says. “This is a part of life, although a very difficult part, and we need to approach it with honesty.”

Found this on my friend Juan Sarte’s site and got his permission to post it here. Isn’t she just lovely? And even slimmer from the last time I saw her!

This was taken at a shoot for the Puey Quinones Gala.
Photography was by the highly artistic Mark Nicdao and fashion styling by Michael Salientes who is a childhood friend of mine, and makeup by the super talented Juan Sarte III. Put together these four geniuses and this is the kind of look that you get. Of course you need to have the Gabby Concepcion-Sharon Cuneta genes to carry it off just as KC does.

Juan did KC’s makeup for this shoot and it was not by Chanel as wrongly credited in this fashion event’s press release. Juan writes, “I did not use any Chanel product on her face. KC endorses Colour Collection Cosmetics by Fuller Life.”

Happy who? Duh. If you don’t know who Happy Slip is, you’ve probably never been on YouTube.

I am sooooo thrilled that she’s here and I wish I could get to meet her personally…

Back in December 2006, I had written an article on Christine Gambito of Happy Slip fame. Even back then, I was already such a HUGE fan and when I discovered her videos on YouTube, grabe, naloka ako sa kakatawa! My all time favorites are her “Mixed Nuts” and the hilarious “Boypren” videos. I wrote her and asked if I could interview her for Global Pinoy in the Philippine Daily Inquirer and she agreed! In several subsequent email exchanges, I had told her that I wished she would be able to come one day and visit the Philippines to do shows. And now she is here as an ambassador for the Department of Tourism! A really perfect choice if you ask me.

Read my December 2006 Philippine Daily Inquirer interview (in Global Pinoy) with Christine Gambito here and view her latest thoughts on coming home — quite a sentimental video that will make you teary-eyed. Welcome home Christine! Tunay ka pa ring Pinay

Watch this introductory Vlog by Christine –

The new head, or the General, of the Society of Jesus is a man who has spent many years of his life serving in the Philippines. The Society of Jesus elected Fr.Adolfo Nicolas as the 29th successor to St. Ignatius of Loyola. As you can glean from parts of the insightful essay below by Fr. Danny Huang, he is a man well-loved and highly-respected by his peers.

“To lead the Society as General clearly requires many other gifts. “He ought to be endowed with great intelligence and judgment,” Ignatius writes. “Learning,” “prudence,” “experience,” are among the necessary qualifications for governance that St. Ignatius adds to his list.

Fr. Nico, the “wise man from the East,” as some are already calling
him, is richly blessed with such gifts that are both personal and the
fruit of his broad experience of many cultures and governance on many
levels. “Nowhere was it written that we wanted someone from the
Orient,” Fr. Gendron observes. “But for the third time in a row, the
Society has elected a missionary, like Fr. Kolvenbach and Fr. Arrupe,
a Westerner who has spent most of his Jesuit life in the Orient.”
There is something providential, surely, in this pattern.

Fr. Nico, European in origin and training, yet with such
breathtakingly broad cultural exposure, and indeed exercising
leadership for over forty years in various parts of Asia, brings with
him crucial perspectives and sensibilities at a time when the Society
of Jesus finds itself in major demographic transitions.
As a professional theologian of depth and creativity, he is also well
equipped to help articulate for the Society faithful yet fresh and
inspiring visions of our mission and religious life today. His years
as Director (and at present, Chair) of the East Asian Pastoral
Institute in Manila involve a rich experience of respectful and
fruitful cooperation with the hierarchies and local Church leaders of
many continents. Moreover, because he worked for several years in the
pastoral care of vulnerable Filipino and Asian migrant workers in
Tokyo, he brings to his office a special care for the poor, whom the
Church and the Society of Jesus call Jesuits to have a preferential
love for. At the same time, because he has labored for many decades
in the increasingly secular milieu of Japan, he also has a profound
sensitivity to the challenges of unbelief and religious indifference
that are the context and challenge of many parts of the developed
world. Finally, as one who has been Provincial of Japan and President
of the Conference of Provincials of East Asia and Oceania, as well as
former Major Superior of our Jesuit missions in Cambodia, East Timor
and Myanmar, Nico is no stranger to the requirements of governance and
administration, and brings this rich administrative and leadership
experience with him into his new office.

Young at 71

Yesterday, with a glint of mischievous humor in his eyes, Fr. Nico
told me that he had never experienced so many Jesuits asking him with
such concern about his health. This is, of course, entirely natural.
Ignatius realistically lists sufficient “physical strength demanded by
his charge,” as the final qualification of the General. And Nico is
71—72 by April.

His age was, frankly, a concern. But interestingly, it became clear to
many of us that chronological years were not the most reliable measure
of age where Nico was concerned. Paradoxically, one of the oldest
among us was also one of the most youthful in energy and spirit. “He
has the mind of a young man,” someone told me in admiration. “I have
never walked with anyone who walked so fast. I have to tell him to
slow down when I walk with him,” a Latin American Jesuit told me.

But perhaps it is best to let the young speak. Bishop Francisco Claver
writes: “I was at LHS [Loyola House of Studies, the Philippine
Province scholasticate] for supper when we got the news–everybody
cheered like we were winning a basketball game!” In nearby Arrupe
International Residence, the seventy or so scholastics there have been
excitedly gathering to share stories and experiences of the General
who, until yesterday, was their Major Superior. Scholastics, mostly in
their twenties, from East Timor, Myanmar, China, the Philippines,
Malaysia, Singapore, Indonesia, Thailand have expressed their delight
in and appreciation of the choice of the Congregation. Isaias Caldas,
a junior from East Timor, wrote to his Regional Superior, Fr. John
Mace, thus: “Personally I am excited and overjoyed because this
General is someone whom I know personally, a General who always passes
by in front of AIR after his lunch in EAPI, a General who once told us
during one of his exhortations to the community to make our religious
struggles become “big,” [broad in apostolic horizons] not limited only
to our worries about prayer and chastity, a General who wants us to
think now about what we can do in the future, a General who wishes us
to be very good at one thing for, if that is so, we would be very
useful in our ministry later, a General who has good humor and is
friendly to us scholastics, a General who encourages me to read more
and watch good movies like a good Jesuit.”

“Because we are poor, God is our only strength.”

Yesterday morning, in the Aula, when it became clear that Adolfo
Nicolas had been chosen, and when he finally left his place among the
electors to stand and then kneel in our midst to make his profession
of faith, I found myself, to my embarrassment, unable to control my
tears. I felt such pity for Nico, as we placed the enormous burden of
the governance of the Society on him, and also such gratitude to him,
too, for his willingness to accept this office for the sake of the
Society. As I wept, I found myself repeatedly praying a single
sentence: “Lord, help Nico.”

Today, however, I am more at peace, mostly because I see that the
General is at peace too. This evening, Fr. General led us in a Mass of
Thanksgiving at the Church of the Gesù. His homily (in Italian
interspersed with a few “Italianized” Spanish words!) was deep and
moving, radiant with “Evangelical simplicity,” one European Jesuit
told me, “without a single excess word.” He reflected on the Servant
of Yahweh in the book of Isaiah. Where does this humble servant get
his strength to serve? To answer this question, Nico shared an
experience he had during his ministry to migrant workers in Japan. A
woman, a Filipina, overwhelmed by her many problems, confessed to her
friend her confusion and near despair. Her friend, also a Filipina
migrant worker, simply said to her: “Let us go to Church. Because we
are poor, God is our only strength.” Once again, when I heard these
last words, I felt tears rush to my eyes, because it seemed to me that
Fr. General had borrowed the words of this poor, vulnerable,
faith-filled woman to speak of himself.

“Because we are poor, God is our only strength.” It is surely
appropriate, that as we pray in gratitude to God for the gift of our
new General, we pray too for him. May God be Nico’s only strength, as
he leads us, in wisdom, courage and compassion, in the Society’s
service of “God alone and the Church, his spouse, under the Roman
Pontiff,” ad majorem Dei gloriam.” - Daniel Patrick Huang, S.J.

This is a continuation of my previous post where I talked about the life questions one asks in their twenties and thirties as outlined in the book “A Resilient Life” by Gordon Macdonald. One of my most facinating reads in this stage of my own life’s journey.

Macdonald’s questions for the forties are ones that I have asked myself countless times over the last three years. The poet Rainer Maria Rilke said — “Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions.” Rilke must have been in midlife when he wrote “Letters To A Young Poet” because I find that I have been living MY questions over these last few years. Macdonald speaks of a sabbatical and of a reinvention of self - done those too. In the end, this life stage has taught me that everything I ever needed to be happy and peacefully was just right under my nose.

“There are new questions that pop up in one’s forties. The complexities of life further accelerate, and —and this is worrisome — we bDon’t search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.egin to recognize that we can no longer fob off our flaws and failures as youthfulness and inexperience. We are, as they say, grown-up. We are expected to handle the bumps and bruises of life with an unshakeable courage. Panic and fear are for younger (and older?) people. But in one’s forties, the expectation is that one is solid.

Still, there are questions. As I will illustrate in another part of this book, the question arises, who was I as a child, and what powers back then influence the kind of person I am today? We would have laughed at this question in our twenties, but now it becomes a rather serious one for more than a few.

Why do some people seem to be doing better than I? Why am I often disappointed in myself and others? Why are limitations beginning to outnumber options?

I believe the forties to be dangerous, unchartered waters for a lot of us. Lots of things begin to happen for which many of us are not prepared. Bodies change. Children become more independent, even begin to leave home. Marriages have to be readjusted to face new realities. Some of us begin to enjoy financial leverage; others of us begin to assume that we will never be materially secure. Some give up the fight to achieve lifelong goals and settle into a defensive posture of living. Others miss their youth and its seeming excitement so much that they try going back ward to retrieve earlier pleasures.

Forty-somethings may ask, why do I seem to face so many uncertainties? But others may begin plotting a second life, a second career. What can I do to make a greater contribution to my generation? Or, what would it take to to pick up a whole new calling in life and do the thing I’ve always wanted to do? If one listens carefully, he might hear the word trapped used in the questions that now arise.

A few wise forty-somethings may seek a ninety-day sabbatical . They will strip their lives down to bare metal and evaluate their life-journeys to this point. They’ll take a hard look at their spiritual journeys, their personal relationships, their convictions about money and possesions, how they contribute their energies and resources. And when the assesment is over, they will have plotted a whole new course for the secons half of life. A very exciting adventure for brave people.

Fifty-somethings would prefer not to think about it, but the fact is that they have moved across life’s middle. Now one finds himself or herself wondering how many years there are left. The news of friends dying, marriages dissolving, and people moving to places of retirement increases. It can be a time for sober thinking, John Dean of Watergate fame wrote: “My view of my life has been backward, not forward… and I have been dwelling on the trivial, on the insignificant too much. Time is running out and I must come to terms with my life. The days for fantasizing great achievements are gone. Ambitions and goals must be realistic if I want to avoid great disappointment at the end.”

So those in the fifties may ask, why is time moving so fast? Because it is moving so fast. It seems as if yesterday was Christmas, and tomorrow is Christmas. Go figure! We look at contemporaries and they suddenly look very old to us. Surely we have not aged that much!

Why is my body becoming unreliable? How do I deal with my failures and my successes? How can my spouse and I reinvigorate our relationship now that the children are gone? For those who haven’t yet reached these questions, may I say, “Get ready!” Each will come at you, often without warning. It is worth getting a headstart on them.

Who are these young people who want to replace me? It is a frightening moment when one discovers that younger people may know more than I, may be willing to work longer and harder than I am willing to work, and may be impatient for me to move over and give them the same chance to prove themselves that I once demanded.

What do I do with my doubts and fears? Will we have enough money for retirement years if there are health problems and economic downturns? These are questions loom in our fifties.”

If you are 40something, please hop over to my Multiply site and take my poll.

In the Philippines, the book is available at OMF Publishers on Pioneer Street in Mandaluyong or you can request Powerbooks to place an order for you.

I’m trying to finish Gordon Mc Donald’s “A Resilient Life” before writing up my 2008 Wishlist which is already way overdue as it is.

What an insightful book for the journey! Let me share with you parts of the chapter on Resilient People Foresee The Great Questions… Reading through the various stages reminded me of the questions I would ask a younger self and the steps I needed to take to find the answers to those questions. Naturally, the part where he talks about the 40s continues to resonate with me in a MAJOR way now that I am in that life stage…

“This is the pathway to resilience: knowing what’s up ahead, what we are likely to face, where the possibilities and the obstacles lie… So I began my pursuit of the great questions that fill in the blanks of so many big pictures.

The twenties are a time when one asks, What will I do with my life? What is it that I really want in exchange for my life’s labors? Most denied that the key desire of life was for material wealth; the preference was for work that offered significance, a feeling of making a difference. Teaching, counseling, and work in the nonprofit sector were important possibilities. Of course a bundle of folk said they were quite happy just to land a job — any passable job — that provides the income base for a reasonably secure life and some fun.

Twentysomethings are beoming aware that they can no longer get away with irresponsible or unsocial behavior. Life patterns, habots, and personality quirks need adjustment if one is to get along. So the question, what parts of me and my life need correction? arises.

It is also not surprising that people in their twenties wrestle with the so-called lordship question: Around what person or conviction will I organize my life? Perhaps this is the mother of all questions (for every age, actually), but it reaches a point of great significance as one comes to the realization that the game of lifeis no longer the amateur game of the teen years. Now it is a serious matter with increasing consequences, and one must identify an organizing principle that will bring the pieces of life into order.”

Since there is usually an expansion of responsibility and no expansion of time, thirtysomethings find themselves asking the question, how do I prioritize the demands being made on my life? There are spouses to love and know more intimately, children who need endless amounts of attention, and jobs/careers that absorb energy. Homes must be maintained, bills paid, obligations to organizations met. Suddenly one must budget the yeses and the noes of life, and these decisions are not simply or easily made.

The career options of a person’s life may have seemed clearer and simpler in the twenties. But now, in the thirties, one can begin to see that there are winners and losers, as well as also-rans (those who simply finish unnoticed in the middle of the pack). And the question forms: How far can I go in fulfilling my sense of purpose?

Because thirtysomethings are so busy getting life’s routines established, there is little growing realization that one’s primary community is changing. The friends of youth (and even the twenties) have split, many moved to other parts of the world). And another question arises : Who are the people with whom I know I walk through life?

For many men, the thirties are the beginning if the onset of male loneliness. New male friendships are not easily made nor do they often measure up to the kind of friendships one used to enjoy. Old friends have drifted away; often new acquaintances simply do not have the time to build the satisfying relationships that were part of the younger years.

Spiritual life changes for people in their thirties. The spiritual questions no longer center on the ideals of youth but on the realization of a life that is tough and unforgiving. Now, life’s requirements offer little time for contemplation and spiritual revitalization. Most thirty-somethings who seek a spiritual component to life will tell you that words like empty, tired, confused, and drifting mingle in their thoughts in a way they never expected. Thus these questions materialize : What does my spiritual life look like? Do I even have time for one?
It’s a quiet, nagging question that comes in moments when one feels that one has failed. Thirtysomethings are likely to see things in themselves they thought they might have overcome now, simply by growing up. But things they once anticipated they would shake off haven’t gone away. And thirtysomethings find themselves asking, why am I not a better person?”

Tomorrow, more on the 40s and the 50s…

If you thought Charisse Pempengco’s appearance on “Ellen” was fabulous, wait ’til you read this story.

If you’ve ever tried to apply for a U.S. Visa you know how thick the tension is in that waiting area - it is so thick and palpable, you can almost slice through it! Consuls are trained to sniff out the fakers from the real ones. Most of the time they get it right though they have their share of hits and misses as well.

This is the “fairytale” of Arnel Pineda who is now a singer for the band “Journey”. For me personally, it is a case of major Divine intervention! Can’t explain it any other way. Found the story on my friend Dennis’s blog. Read about this amaaaazing story —
“The Greatest Manila Visa Story Of All Time” here. Thanks for sharing this story Dennis! God bless that consular officer and what can I say - ang galing ni Lord at ang galing talaga ng Pinoy!

A few months back, November 10 to be exact, I wrote about a daycare center that Migi’s Corner and my high school batch ‘82 was setting up for the children of the employees of our alma mater, Maryknoll/Miriam College. Sponsored by Migi’s Corner and Maryknoll College High School Batch ‘82, it will be called the Miriam College Daycare Center.

Construction on the project began last Wednesday, January 9 and a small group of good friends, classmates of mine, went to visit the site. Ginny who was here, visiting from Singapore, Larcy and myself, had lunch at Cafe Mary Grace over at Serendra, and from there, motored back to Katipunan.

It’s always nice visiting the old school. Ginny had not seen it for ages and was momentarily sentimental. Larcy was trying to identify locations of old familiar places. I guess we are now in that life stage where looking back and reminiscing old times is as normal as breathing

The daycarer is located in a lovely, shaded area on campus, close to the grade school. It is the first of it’s kind in the Philippines. We are grateful to te Superferry for generously providing us with the 40-ft container van to house the daycare. At the site last Wednesday, we met up with Jorja Santos- Macapagal, another batchmate of ours who was awarded the bidding for the construction of the daycare. I was very happy to see the bid go to a batchmate. Though the project has been fraught with great difficulty, I was just so happy to finally see it get off the ground, literally. A huge part of the work is being done by another architect batchmate, Boots Belmonte-Caingat whose been really passionate about the daycare from day one.

Jorja says that it will take four to five weeks to finish the work. After that, another week to set up the toys, books, furnishings etc… that will go into the daycare. We expect to get it up and running by mid-February, God-willing.

The Lord has been so faithful in providing for the needs of this project. This early, I wish to thank everyone who has graciously given out of their hearts for the project. Forty percent of the funding comes from HS Batch ‘82, the 60% is covered by Migi’s Corner in the form of both cash and donated materials. The architect who has donated her services gratis et amore is a batchmate. The project had to be re-opened for bidding because the initial cost was too high, in the re-bidding, the construction was won by another batchmate. The Memorandum of Agreement was drafted by another lawyer-batchmate, Mylene Yumul-Espina. It seems like every step of the way we are truly being guided by an unseen hand. The story itself of how the van came to be is an amazing example of how HIS hand moves. It never ceases to amaze me to see how His hand has worked magnificently with every Migi’s Corner that has been built. For this reason I always like to say that these corners have never been about me, or my son. Our life circumstance was just the vehicle and the inspiration to pursue this kind of work. This has never been about personal glory but about giving back the glory to God who makes all things possible. It is really all about watching God’s hand at work. How HE faithfully brings together the people and the resources to complete the work is just truly amazing. However, on a personal note, I know it is also HIS way of constantly bringing comfort to my family through the years. Once again, His timing is ever perfect. This is our 14th project for Migi’s Corner, and on February 21, 2008, Migi will be 14 in heaven. I know there’s no coincidence in that and I thank HIM for his continuing grace over the last decade since Migi went back home to his real home in heaven.

Cupcake is a three-month old “SCHNORKIE”, born on October 3, 2007 — yes, magka-birth month pa kami — that H bought me as his Christmas, anniversary and Valentine’s day gift. Last year, two of our beloved dogs died — Macky (for Macapagal) our Basset Hound and Bush, our Labrador Retriever. It was a sad year for us. For a while I did not want to get anymore dogs because I didn’t want to grieve over another loss. We were happy with Pare (for Erap) even if he could be such a prissy and proud dog most of the time. However, in the last month or so, my desire to have a new puppy grew stronger by the day. When H and I saw the ad for Schnorkie’s posted at the Ateneo, we immediately went to visit her kennel in White Plains and right away, it was love at first sight.

A Schnorkie is a designer dog, a cross between a Mini-Schnauzer (her papa)and a Yorkie (her mama. Cupcake is a really smart puppy and this early I can tell that she got the best traits of her mama and papa. Her breed is sociable, bold, loves their families, highly intelligent, totally incompatible with cats, are great “ratters”, make keen watchdogs (in spite of their diminutive size) but aregenerally polite with people, and very loving to their owners, spirited and extremely loyal.

The last few days I’ve been busy crate training her and so far we have made major success. She’s really one smart cookie, this cupcake. This one has been my constant companion, always seated or sleeping by my feet as I read or work on the PC like right now. Her ears are so cute, it’s like she has a pair of pigtails. I’m so excited to see her grow See more of Cupcake here.