Hanging on?
People probably aren’t interested in my soul searching, but in a way, it is kind of a type of therapy. And if people (and certain people) happen to read this and come out with positive impressions of me, so much the better.
Of course there’s the fear that the impressions will be quite the opposite, but hopefully you can see that I’m not “putting on a persona”. The sentiments are just as real as the person writing this.
Somewhere in the back of my head is a small thought that my crushes are unrealistic, and that my hopes are a lie. And I think I’m afraid to examine that thought.
I’m feeling that these girls are totally out of my league. But more importantly is that they don’t seem to reciprocate.
I’ve pondered this before, and continue to do. Does one give up on a hope and dream? How long does one hang on to those hopes? Is it better to hang on to a dream that may have no chance of becoming reality? At least one would have hopes, rather than the black void of hopelessness.
It’s not like my hopes are blatantly out of line, are they?
I have tried to convince myself to lay those hopes aside, like childhood fantasies, but only find myself continuing to grasp at them.
Honest and balanced self-assessment is difficult. Without trying to sound like I’m hyping myself, I like to think I’m fairly smart. I don’t think I’m unattractive. I’ll meet my life responsibilities (finances, personal issues, etc). And other traits I won’t go into. Those aren’t forced qualities, either. I’m not trying to mold myself into what I think someone else would like from me. I think they’re basic personality traits of mine.
But I do suffer from low self-esteem. If reciprocation were ever to come, I think I’d be stunned into disbelief. Isn’t that ironic? But even with disbelief, I would still not let it pass! Distance is no factor, as I’ve said, I’d do what I could to reduce that distance.