Meh finally a break from school, better, 10 days in total.I can’t say its been the best week, but its been better. However, stupidity + sports = fun pain.

Gym, free time.I played badminton, ended up hit in the face with a racket, meaning a bruise right above my right eye where last month I took a blow to the head from a soccer ball and had momentarily vision loss.Then we went outside for freetime after lunch, I sadly forgot the field was uneven and sprained my ankle which still hurts horribly.Somehow I bruised my hand, but I think it happened when I got my hand caught in my locker…

Err yea nothing to do with my mood, heh.Well lets just leave it at in classes, feels that the new student stalks me. *Sighs* I think I’m cursed now…

Then well one girl won’t leave me alone daily trying to win my attention for no reason just because she thinks I’m emo or something and feels I’ll be her best friend.After screaming at her several times this week, she still hasn’t gotten the message.I got a bit irritated when she constantly tries to hug me and says she loves me…and she says shes homophobic…I have no problem with same gender relationships, curious as to why shes like that but then again shes kinda…weird…And well again some guy flirting again, but he finally gets I’m tired of him when I attacked him for hitting me with a tennis racket, lets hope it stuck there the whole year.

*yawns* I’m tired, today was well boring, and very, very painful.

Somewhere around…20-something days?

Well nothing at all other than a Twilight craze sweeping throughout my school.I don’t care towards it, I mean its fun to bug the fans (though I can’t near my language teacher ._.;), but at the same time I’m ok with the series, don’t get me wrong, yes she barely did vampire research and it annoys the hell out of me, but at the same time the first 2 books were pretty good…

Anyways well, not such a bad day, I was clearly distracted throughout history though(Lol hint…).Uhh well its a pretty decent day again, had fun with my friends, I’m bringing my grades up, uhh Spanish is getting much easier, etcetera, etcetera.Ooh, but I’m happy I finished my game!I finished the main parts of my Pokemon game a while ago, but I only had it 5 days… Wish it occupied me longer than this, but well I still have some side stuff to do, so I won’t be bored for a while, plus with Fall break coming up, I  have more free time to play my video games, hopefully I can get money for other games though.

*Begins to sing Tourniquet* 

Go ahead and call this project to an end soon.I’m making progress, no thoughts on SIing anymore…usually.I, to tell the truth, forgot all about it, I’ve been occupied with a new game lately and some books, so I’m pretty much somewhere else 95% of the time.I’ve really just let the thought go where it pleased, so I guess it decided to wander off.

Anyways well boring day really but-ow…I managed to sprain my wrist. Its really cold so I think  playing my Ds at the bus stop without any gloves on wasn’t the smartest choice.Anyways well typical Monday, classes, boring lectures, reading blah.Ehh I can’t believe our school’s cafeteria has a good grade, I mean there were bugs in the food once, and theres still some dirt on their fruit, ick…and the “chef” he gets onto people for stupid reasons, he yelled at me for drinking my own bottled water in line, I shouldn’t have, instead I should’ve let the coughing fit happen…Yea I know stupid thing to go on about, I’ll shut up.Anyways well I got criticized over the game I was playing, screamed cuss words loud enough so the 5th graders at the front of the bus heard me, oops.And again, *sighs* my cousin and I had a little disagreement over the bands we like.She claims to love Paramore, I said I don’t really like them and I prefer Evanescence (Music @ bottom of page) and it went on form there, nothing big, but yea alight opinion issues, again it was only a few lines back and forth haha.But yea I really don’t like Paramore anymore…

but I may be off, but hey I made it far…ish…depending on how you view it.

Well my mind has wandered in many directions today, from “What should I draw…?” to “Why is he staring at me?o.O If I stop breathing will he not notice me?!*holds breath yet feels him staring still*Act normal….” or the most dumbest thoughts “Applesauce…” yes I am in fact very random.

Not such a bad day, my cousin and her friend weren’t here so it was quiet, only disturbance was that new kid who thinks everyone likes him while really we all find him a nuisance *Can’t get over the fact he suspected I was a guy*

Well I got irritated by him, but I’ll deal,uhh had a normal day pretty much, just much quieter. Got asked random questions and had really odd conversations, but hey thats me.Nothing has been causing a trigger. Sometimes though I just feel again as if I’m pathetic, I dunno some reason if I make a mistake it can “haunt” me.I get sudden memories of times when people have told me to the face “You’re getting in the way, leave you’re not helping.” straight to my face, and and yes, it does bug me.I try and try to get better only to be told I’m getting nowhere and I’m useless.Again criticism annoys the hell outta me, and can break me apart.

Certainly something I have to work on.Well, thats all the news, pointless ranting.See you in a few days, or not!

I think…Well whatever it is, well I guess I’ve kept the thoughts off my mind completely, though seeing the scars send this odd signal to me.It makes me just feel weak and pathetic.I know its not the smartest thoughts, but I guess the reasons behind them just kinda destroy me on the inside…hey finally found the right words to describe it.

So many things come to mind, the creep who practically harrased me and stalked me, arguments with a former friend and my cousin, fear of small things the little girl in me can’t stand up to, letting people down, being treated as if I just get in the way, treated as a failure, it all hurts.

New thoughts from the day break me down slowly, little by little.Being picked on by kids, taunted practically, insults thrown without hesitation (someone asked me if I was a boy today!I have a boyish voice, so what?!) , flirts (I’ve had a really bad issue with flirting, I’m fearful of it), belittled by my cousin and her “posse” of nuisances,all because of simple words, heck some people can’t even remember me!

Days go by and a thought won’t leave, “Confess to the SI.They might get the idea of what its all doing to you.” Psshh, like thats happen, you have to be strong ot make it in the world, you can’t life off of pity.I can’t even say it to my friends, moments come that it feels right, yet I chicken out and the moment is ruined.

I know I shouldn’t feel this way, but I can’t get rid of this feeling. My firneds feel so distant no matter what.I’m weak, and I can’t find any support. I’ve been broken down quickly.I’m tired of it all.Nowhere to hide, run, escape from this.I’ve taken up drawing again, but dropped reading, both ways I can temporarily escape this reality.

I will try whatever I can to feel more confident, but how can I?I can’t do this on my own, and I don’t know how to say it.Maybe I’ll break down at school again.Maybe I’ll breakdown where no one can find me.How good will life treat me?Time can only tell.

I want to say sorry, Matt, I know this hurts you.Its just I’m not strong.Not emotionally at all.I’ve stopped so far, and I know I can keep at it, I won’t give up on my promise.Ever.

Wake me up inside

Wake me up inside,

Call my name and save me from the dark

Bid my blood to run,before I come undone

Save me from the nothing I’ve become

Bring me to life.

Meh school…*yawns* never enough sleep, dang insomnia…

Politics, class, confusion, and more family issues.I just feel trapped in the middle, unable to take sides, unable to help,What else to do but drown it all out with comforting music? I really want need to talk to someone, but who? My friends still have little contact with me, my friends at school…they won’t understand, they’ll clearly joke around.My cousin and I don’t meet eye to eye (no pun intended here…that is if you see it) and shes acting all superior to me just because shes older than me.A year. Big whoop.I’m smarter then you,you know?

Sorry,I know its not like shes going to read that…but hey, I wanted to use this to speak my mind…well actually really to find my triggers…but that helps too!…I bet no ones reading this, and I’m talking to myself. Hah! I’m used to it, people never notice me anyways, I’m just some random girl.I don’t fit in anywhere.Yet.I hope the high school I’m going to next year helps.

I really just want some support, but I dunno who I can rely on, those I love… I feel so distant from them, my parents, they can’t stop arguing, let alone look one another in the eyes.Its an avoidance game now, and I can’t stand it, I want to help, but theres nothing I can do, television cannot fix the awkward silence.

Please, help me.I need someone to talk to, I helped you through tough times (you know who you are), now I need you’re help.

……..Catdoof get off the keyboard!No, no of-I said off! Don’t make me get water!

Well, I can:

1. Sum it up in a few words
2. Type it out
3. SI

Eliminate choice 3…

1. Sum it up in a few words
2. Type it out
3. SI

Meh as lazy as I feel,I think I’ll type it out.

Woke up Got to school and found out a boy who I’ve had a problem with last year, but luckily moved, refuses to leave me alone.He likes to e-mail one of my friends, and he won’t stop telling my friend to say something to me. I have asked my friend to tell him to stop.Answer is no.Now I’m telling my friend to just stop giving me the messages, lets see how it works out. *Sighs* I really wish he’d get out of my life already, he needs to realise I’m not into him and to bug off….

Aside from that…well lets see some boy’s sad attempt to flirt( Already happened 2 times and flirting scares me oh so badly). Slipped and fell-wait that wouldn’t affect me emotionally…Eh, insulted by a former friend, all for my opinion on her beloved Twilight books, though she ended up flirting with the boys though they agreed with me, ha, people these days.what else.. People had picked on me today for their sake, although they know what its like now…

Ahh family issues, one point for me.Just the mentioning give my wrist some tingly feeling, a feeling I always get as a successful trigger. I”ll fight the urge, but if I want to be successful I have to talk to my friends, speaking with them, no matter helps so much, whether they know or not.

Meh I really shouldn’t update on weekends.Nothing really happens,I see most of my problems come from school.I’m getting somewhere, though I want to find the exact…Uhh variables?No…Well you get it.

sadly now later as  I post,I have a feeling to.Not a smart reason, its just as one really close friend hasn’t  really contacted me much.Call me stupid, but it kinda hurts.

Alright, one day passed.Not much of an urge at all.Yes, as an SI-er, you somehow become “addicted” to it, so yes it is in fact harder than it sounds to quit.

Nothing happened much today, went to the store, my little cousin came over, went back to her house, played video games, etc…so nothing.Nothing that triggers it just yet.

First, “What is the butterfly project?”you ask. First its regarding SI-ing, the squeamish may leave.

1. You simply draw a butterfly on your wrist, or wherever the self harm is inflicted.
2. However long you go without self harming, the longer the butterfly lives.
3. You cut, its dies.

Leave if you wish, this is more for my sake than yours. Its for me to keep track of what may trigger my SI-ing.Why do you ask am I trying to stop?Simple in’t it?For one it isn’t healthy, secondly…Si-ing affects more than you.Its hurts those around you, you’re loved ones.

Let me stop you before you say it.No, I’m not emo.I find the fad very annoying, and those who find cutters “hot” as they so nicely say it, are imbeciles.

Anyways I’m getting off topic now.so really its like a personal journal for now.I know Internet…But hey beats getting my diary journal being confiscated for who knows why at school or being peeked at from home.

If you wanna keep updated, feel free to come back, if you don’t, I really couldn’t care less…though this is here specifically for one person really…
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