And an official end.Urges, no more.Triggers, ineffective. I’ve gotten used to the idea of ignoring the outside world.I’ve gained better thoughts from not so old memories, and just the path I’m on now is making me happier.

Thanks for reading and your comments.Can’t say I’m shocked for it to end so soon.Again thanks to everyone, and especially you Matt, you’ve been really supportive.

I should try again.I gave up too easily last time.I know, its only been, what a week or two?I want to try once more, as its a bit…well I can’t really think of what I’m saying now, I actually think I’m just…speaking without thinking haha.

Well anyways, if you’re reading this, refer to my main category and read on to find out, I bet you’ll probably read, but meh, its for really my need…as well I always forget about my diary despite just fixing it up recently…

I won’t begin today, but I will oficially tomorrow, I think one thing I should certainly do is dispose of that blade….

on the bright side I lasted a month…I slipped last night.Too much was going on, I broke down, crying and craving the pain.I dunno, start over, or just give up? I just want to give up, I don’t know any other way to.

No more support, everyone is living their own lives and I’m pretty much just an outsider.I’m afraid I’ve said something wrong, and I feel I’ve just been left behind.I don’t know anymore.I’m still a joke, and I’m still forcing myself to put on an act.I can’t force myself out of the act, nor can I force myself to tell anyone,I’ll look like a stereotypical fool to them.*sighs* what to do,I’ll eventually get over this, but for now,I’m surely stuck…

My self esteem, conscious, and just my thoughts in general aren’t strong enough to keep me.I’ve had enough , I don’t want to give in, but really I’ve just been wanting the pain.

I can’t do anything right, whatever I say tends to give the wrong idea.I can’t convince people how I feel.I’ve been near crying these past few days, people don’t get me, and I feel no one even cares I’m here.I’m a joke to everyone around me.Nothing is serious no matter how I say it.I’m weak.Pathetic.

I’m just a stupid kid with silly little problems.I know.I always start arguments.I always rant, complain, cry, and insult people, yet I can’t take hits.I’m not going to survive this cruel world.

One thing runs through my mind every second ‘If I died or disappeared, would anyone really care? ‘ I don’t know the answer.I want someone to answer this question; something, anything!

I’m confused and scared, unable to fend off anything.I want help, but its not like there’ll be anyone there to comfort me.I want to scream.Scream I’m confused.I’m scared.I’m angry.I’m worried.Scream I don’t know my purpose anymore.I want help, but is there no more support for me?Will there ever be any, or am I trapped in this world all alone to suffer?Did I ever do something bad in a past life, and can I change my fate?What is my fate then?Will anyone ever understand?Do I have to yell to get someone to notice?Will anyone just see it clearly that I want help?

Well I’m back off of break, so I’m back to updating ( I know thats the opposite of normal people, point?), and well I can’t say I’m that happy

1. My friends are trying to pair me up with one of my other friends (don’t worry its a dude), when I’m pretty much taken.
2. That new kid…When will he figure out no one likes him?Let alone that I despise him?
3. All thanks to a few students, I can’t go one hour without agitation. *sighs* when you get a label thats sounds like a threat, boys will try you to see how long it’ll take you to snap and attack…

I dunno, seems the break had either made me more vulnerable and weaker, or it made everyone else stronger.I feel weak and that if I just disappeared or died, barely anyone would care.all I want to do is just hide in the safety of my room and never leave.People don’t understand me and don’t care.Only a handful of people trust me and some are out of fear, I take jokes seriously, and these jokes have really been harsh if I think about it, and my past…its just scares me to think of what happened in the past now(meaning the past 3 years…).*sighs* well back to the real world, with no escape other than deafening loud music to drown everything out.

My God, my tourniquet 

return to me salvation…

Meh finally a break from school, better, 10 days in total.I can’t say its been the best week, but its been better. However, stupidity + sports = fun pain.

Gym, free time.I played badminton, ended up hit in the face with a racket, meaning a bruise right above my right eye where last month I took a blow to the head from a soccer ball and had momentarily vision loss.Then we went outside for freetime after lunch, I sadly forgot the field was uneven and sprained my ankle which still hurts horribly.Somehow I bruised my hand, but I think it happened when I got my hand caught in my locker…

Err yea nothing to do with my mood, heh.Well lets just leave it at in classes, feels that the new student stalks me. *Sighs* I think I’m cursed now…

Then well one girl won’t leave me alone daily trying to win my attention for no reason just because she thinks I’m emo or something and feels I’ll be her best friend.After screaming at her several times this week, she still hasn’t gotten the message.I got a bit irritated when she constantly tries to hug me and says she loves me…and she says shes homophobic…I have no problem with same gender relationships, curious as to why shes like that but then again shes kinda…weird…And well again some guy flirting again, but he finally gets I’m tired of him when I attacked him for hitting me with a tennis racket, lets hope it stuck there the whole year.

*yawns* I’m tired, today was well boring, and very, very painful.

Somewhere around…20-something days?

Well nothing at all other than a Twilight craze sweeping throughout my school.I don’t care towards it, I mean its fun to bug the fans (though I can’t near my language teacher ._.;), but at the same time I’m ok with the series, don’t get me wrong, yes she barely did vampire research and it annoys the hell out of me, but at the same time the first 2 books were pretty good…

Anyways well, not such a bad day, I was clearly distracted throughout history though(Lol hint…).Uhh well its a pretty decent day again, had fun with my friends, I’m bringing my grades up, uhh Spanish is getting much easier, etcetera, etcetera.Ooh, but I’m happy I finished my game!I finished the main parts of my Pokemon game a while ago, but I only had it 5 days… Wish it occupied me longer than this, but well I still have some side stuff to do, so I won’t be bored for a while, plus with Fall break coming up, I  have more free time to play my video games, hopefully I can get money for other games though.

*Begins to sing Tourniquet* 

Go ahead and call this project to an end soon.I’m making progress, no thoughts on SIing anymore…usually.I, to tell the truth, forgot all about it, I’ve been occupied with a new game lately and some books, so I’m pretty much somewhere else 95% of the time.I’ve really just let the thought go where it pleased, so I guess it decided to wander off.

Anyways well boring day really but-ow…I managed to sprain my wrist. Its really cold so I think  playing my Ds at the bus stop without any gloves on wasn’t the smartest choice.Anyways well typical Monday, classes, boring lectures, reading blah.Ehh I can’t believe our school’s cafeteria has a good grade, I mean there were bugs in the food once, and theres still some dirt on their fruit, ick…and the “chef” he gets onto people for stupid reasons, he yelled at me for drinking my own bottled water in line, I shouldn’t have, instead I should’ve let the coughing fit happen…Yea I know stupid thing to go on about, I’ll shut up.Anyways well I got criticized over the game I was playing, screamed cuss words loud enough so the 5th graders at the front of the bus heard me, oops.And again, *sighs* my cousin and I had a little disagreement over the bands we like.She claims to love Paramore, I said I don’t really like them and I prefer Evanescence (Music @ bottom of page) and it went on form there, nothing big, but yea alight opinion issues, again it was only a few lines back and forth haha.But yea I really don’t like Paramore anymore…

but I may be off, but hey I made it far…ish…depending on how you view it.

Well my mind has wandered in many directions today, from “What should I draw…?” to “Why is he staring at me?o.O If I stop breathing will he not notice me?!*holds breath yet feels him staring still*Act normal….” or the most dumbest thoughts “Applesauce…” yes I am in fact very random.

Not such a bad day, my cousin and her friend weren’t here so it was quiet, only disturbance was that new kid who thinks everyone likes him while really we all find him a nuisance *Can’t get over the fact he suspected I was a guy*

Well I got irritated by him, but I’ll deal,uhh had a normal day pretty much, just much quieter. Got asked random questions and had really odd conversations, but hey thats me.Nothing has been causing a trigger. Sometimes though I just feel again as if I’m pathetic, I dunno some reason if I make a mistake it can “haunt” me.I get sudden memories of times when people have told me to the face “You’re getting in the way, leave you’re not helping.” straight to my face, and and yes, it does bug me.I try and try to get better only to be told I’m getting nowhere and I’m useless.Again criticism annoys the hell outta me, and can break me apart.

Certainly something I have to work on.Well, thats all the news, pointless ranting.See you in a few days, or not!

I think…Well whatever it is, well I guess I’ve kept the thoughts off my mind completely, though seeing the scars send this odd signal to me.It makes me just feel weak and pathetic.I know its not the smartest thoughts, but I guess the reasons behind them just kinda destroy me on the inside…hey finally found the right words to describe it.

So many things come to mind, the creep who practically harrased me and stalked me, arguments with a former friend and my cousin, fear of small things the little girl in me can’t stand up to, letting people down, being treated as if I just get in the way, treated as a failure, it all hurts.

New thoughts from the day break me down slowly, little by little.Being picked on by kids, taunted practically, insults thrown without hesitation (someone asked me if I was a boy today!I have a boyish voice, so what?!) , flirts (I’ve had a really bad issue with flirting, I’m fearful of it), belittled by my cousin and her “posse” of nuisances,all because of simple words, heck some people can’t even remember me!

Days go by and a thought won’t leave, “Confess to the SI.They might get the idea of what its all doing to you.” Psshh, like thats happen, you have to be strong ot make it in the world, you can’t life off of pity.I can’t even say it to my friends, moments come that it feels right, yet I chicken out and the moment is ruined.

I know I shouldn’t feel this way, but I can’t get rid of this feeling. My firneds feel so distant no matter what.I’m weak, and I can’t find any support. I’ve been broken down quickly.I’m tired of it all.Nowhere to hide, run, escape from this.I’ve taken up drawing again, but dropped reading, both ways I can temporarily escape this reality.

I will try whatever I can to feel more confident, but how can I?I can’t do this on my own, and I don’t know how to say it.Maybe I’ll break down at school again.Maybe I’ll breakdown where no one can find me.How good will life treat me?Time can only tell.

I want to say sorry, Matt, I know this hurts you.Its just I’m not strong.Not emotionally at all.I’ve stopped so far, and I know I can keep at it, I won’t give up on my promise.Ever.

Wake me up inside

Wake me up inside,

Call my name and save me from the dark

Bid my blood to run,before I come undone

Save me from the nothing I’ve become

Bring me to life.