Not because I want to forget you. It is because I do not want to forget you. I am now starting to rummage my database with primary keys related to you. This is the time. Yet I am actually doing it starting from years ago, back then, when I was younger. Back then when all I say is whatever happens I will never ever leave you.  Yet I feel that this is the real right time to finally remember you. And use whatever thing that reminds me of you. Because I am very much not inclined to the idea of me forgetting you.

I am nearing your ultimate goal. Your goal that I finally click open that gruesome cage I imprisoned you in for years.

That gruesome cage which I thought will bring you the happiness you always longed for.

That gruesome cage which I thought would save you from the despair you seem to always ride with in this roller coaster life all along.

That gruesome cage which you actually tried to love hoping someday it would bend according to your expectations.

That gruesome cage I so nurtured for so many a seconds ago. With tears, shame, jealousy, sadness, violence, hatred.

That gruesome cage called “my undying love for you”.

And since I think I am now holding the key, there is nothing left to do but to insert it in that lock, turn the key clockwise, and stopping as I hear that agonizing clink of unlocking piece of metal. Stopping my heartbeat. Stopping my hope. Stopping my life. Yes. What I am doing is suicide. Suicide, which is for me, the highest form. Suicide that does not kill the body, only the soul. Suicide, in its highest form.  Like pulling the dead batteries from a teddy - silencing its sweet voice that tells “i love you”.  And just like this teddy, you will never ever hear again from me, no matter how hard you put the pressure on my tummy.

So I think about you. Always. For every minute that my mind is empty, there you sits.  I look around and I saw you. My head turns and follows their movements. And with every glance is the realization that I will never see you again.

I see you in that lady’s shoes. I thought that the feet wearing them are yours. Closed shoes. Presenting your inclination to classics. No unnecessary dangles of ribbons, knots, sequins, etc. Just plain leather. Just plain brown. But she is not you. Far more different from you. I forgot that people can be wearing the same shoes.

I thought you were that lady in the taxi. We use to ride in it. I wonder if you ride in it alone. Her hair is similar to yours, you see. Straight and flowing gracefully over your shoulder after that careful treatment you put on it regularly.  But when she turns, the face is out of place. It does not belong to you. It is so happy.

I see a woman far on that street. Looking like lost in the city. Her body is as trimmed as your body is. Not too thin. Not too fat. Sexy. Though you always complain of big tummy.  She walks and I observed her every step.  I am looking for that heavy steps. The tough fall of the toes on the ground. I am looking for any signs that may show that her knees are stiff - an evidence of the disease you cope up with. For I might be actually looking at you walking toward me. But you are not. She is just another woman out there who unintentionally lured me by borrowing your physique.

I ride on a public vehicle.  I do not look around to see who is beside who.  I am thinking that it may be good that you are there and that I am not actually aware of it.  It makes me wander away with thoughts of how are you going to react when you see me sleeping with my head bobbing up and down. Will you be waiting for an empty seat beside me? So that you can catch my head and rest it on your shoulder? What do I do when that happened? Will I stay asleep knowing it was finally you? Or will I ruin the moment by waking up?

I ride a public vehicle. In the silence of the night with the wind blowing away my hopes, I hear someone call the driver to pay her fare.  Was that your voice? I do not look immediately. Not knowing what should be my reaction if it was really you.  But then there is that smallest piece of urge to stop imagining things. Because I know that it was not really you. I hear your voice simply because I think of you. Not because you are there with me too.

At times I think that when you are really there, riding with me in that public vehicle, you will not care to call me so that I may not know of your presence there.  Another reason why I do not look around to see who is beside who.  What if you change your voice so that I will turn my head the moment you speak?  I cannot bear to see you after that.

This is how I will be living my life from now on. Some snippets of how my life will proceed. Now that you are gone.

 I picked a Clow Card: The Fly

The Fly (Reverse):  Confusion, carefulness, caring.  Look out above.

Just as I was thinking of you leaving me

There comes hope from this card that I picked

The Fly. It’s reversed. Well, what can I say,

Of course I thought you’ll never fly away

But if it is true

Why don’t you still come to rescue me

From this abyss of loneliness

From this cage of emptiness

Will the future be so far still

Will it not take effect so suddenly?

Can the card be wrong

Or I interpreted it incorrectly?

Confusion.

That is what is left when you said goodbye to me.

The point is that you did not leave me immediately.

You cared to still linger around

Finding me, searching still for my company

After you said goodbye to me.

Carefulness.

That is what I wanted for you to show me.

Didn’t you realize I am hurting badly.

Your presence makes me high, your presence makes me low

So please be careful with me, understand my anxiety

After you said goodbye to me, you could have been more

Caring.

So is the card lying?

Have I just construed it according to my liking?

Do I need now to look out above?

So I might get my hands ready

In case you change your mind

And you come flying toward me.

My blog entitled ‘Clow Card: The Change’ has a mistake.

The meaning of the Clow Card that I looked at was wrong.

But anyway, I am not going to change it. XD

Oh well. XD

I picked a Clow Card: The Change

The Change (Reverse):  You like to let it all out.  Don’t give away all your secrets.  People love your secretiveness, but don’t be too secretive.

Hmmm… I suddenly remembered the Clow Card I picked up last.  It was The Arrow. Reverse The Arrow.  And it tells about lies.  Now that I think about it, what I wrote in there was all about the secrets I made which made me lie.

Yes, I am a very secretive person.  Not because that I might embarrass myself like those silly kids having a hard time admitting to another that they already have a crush or something.  Not because that I do not have good friends or that I am a dead kid.  Not because I am a low profile person.  Not for the fact that I am an only child and got no one to confide my feelings to.

It is just because of the protection I want to give to certain things that exists between that secret and the others.

If a secret is too overwhelming and quite a dream-come-true to me, which only happens between me and my Caleb, then I am protecting Caleb.  And those stupid standards that the society has set made me even more protective.  <Whether those standards are really stupid or not is not the concern here.> I choose to keep to myself those too important things that happen between us.

Because for some reason, when I make a mistake of confiding that to another person, he or she will not understand the situation and sooner or later it was all out in the open.  When that happens, I feel a shard of trust loosen up and eventually fall.

I am not inclined to not sharing happy moments with others.  But I am not inclined to sharing it with persons I do not trust.

If a secret is too dark, like what most people say as one’s deepest darkest secret, then I am protecting myself.  Come on, who is not?  I have done things so stupid for me to actually believe I’d done it.  Whether I am under a sort of hex or charm while I did that, I do not know.  <I actually tremble remembering them now.> For the most part, I am not embarrassed with it, but rather I am infuriated with myself.  Like, what the hell was I thinking?  Stupid me! Ignorant me!

Yes, I think that I still want to let it all out.  And who says I have not tried?  But I tried to reveal secrets as I have said if the secret is a dream-come-true to me not if a secret is dark.  But I learned that I have to be careful with persons to whom I confide my secrets.  I do not want people I tell my secrets to, to feel that they already know me.  I mean, I hate people who act like they know me when in fact they do not.

And it happens when I tell them a secret.  Probably because that I super seldom share that when I already share, they think that they already witnessed the real me. They are wrong.  I want someone who will just listen.  Period.

The only person that I shared my deepest darkest secret to was Caleb.  And Caleb actually saved me from it.  Caleb is the person I trust the most.

People love your secretiveness.

Ha! O-o-kei.  I rather think that they might love my secretiveness because I can be a good vault for their own secrets. XD

Another reason is that the pure essence of a certain thing that happens between me and a person, if kept secret, will not be tainted.

Still another reason might be that they may find me sort of mysterious and challenging.  Who does not want to coax or rather, to tease a person into finally letting it out all?

Oh well. XD

I picked a Clow Card: The Arrow

Reverse: Little lies you tell, and no one realizes it.  It’ll hurt you when they do find out!  Strength, love, flowers.

Of course. I do tell lies. Reasons?

First, I want to keep certain things to myself.

Second, I do not trust that person I lied to.

Third, I do not want to cry.

Fourth, I do not want to cry in front of that person.

I’m sorry.

I picked a Clow Card. The Light.

The Light:  The most ‘powerful’ and influential of the cards, but also mysterious.  Loyal and a bit aloof, and very kind.  Intelligent.  Couples with her opposite The Dark.

Upright: Power and passion, blinding light and beauty, a sense of self pride, but with inner fears no one knows.

The Light.  It seems ironic that I picked it. Since, I’m still confused and depressed. I’m actually in the dark.  Nevertheless, Since I couple with the opposite, The Dark, maybe that is why I feel this way: so dark.  Which really, makes it quite mysterious.

Or maybe it is a message.  That even though it is dark, there is light.  But I’m tired of assuming that something is a message.  Just because it pops out at the moment it seems it must pop out, then it is already some sign of something positive.  Why don’t Someone speak directly to me instead.  It is hard to make yourself believe things that actually you just associated with the current situation in your life.  It is clear that we just do so because that is what we wanted, and not what is really the message.

This is perhaps the inner fear.  I hate what I have just realized.  That what we assume is actually what we just wanted to happen.  I fear that I am mistaken.  That  I look like some optimistic individual but actually, I look pathetic.

Where is the Light?

Where are you?

import emotions.*;

private class YouAndMe {

private String you;
private String me;
private int arguments;
private boolean isUsOkay;
private boolean youHappy;
private boolean meHappy;
private boolean youFeelLoved;
private boolean meFeelLoved;

private YouAndMe(String you, String me, boolean isUsOkay, int arguments) {
this.you = you;
this.me = me;
this.isUsOkay = isUsOkay;
this.arguments = arguments;
youHappy = false;
meHappy = false;
youFeelLoved = false;
meFeelLoved = true;
}

private String willToBeTogether(){
if(youHappy && youFeelLoved && isUsOkay && (arguments  == 0)){
return “We will be together!”;
}else{
return “We will not be together”;
}
}

private static void main(String arguments[]){
YouAndMe us = new YouAndMe(”best”, “angel”, false, arguments.length);
System.out.println(us.willBeTogether());
}

}

In general, we like to give promises..

And whether we accept it or not, we like to hear someone promise that things will be like the ones we hope them to be..

But these promises often break..

Then the next time you hear another promise, you take it as another false hope..

Sooner or later, you proved you’re right..

And so false hopes pile up..

And then you ask..

What is better..

..saying that things will come out better, saying versions of ‘don’t-worry-i’ll-be-here-forever’ lines.. ?

..or just being with someone you care not to lose..

..seeing yourselves happy together without any expectations of what each other is supposed to do..

..feeling contented with each others presence..

..and even if no words come out from anyone of you, you feel your dreams come true..

..sniff.. =