January (18)

Our deemed annual remembering.

For me it’s the fifth.

I don’t know with you. Did you start counting again?

February (2)

            Jomai’s Birthday Surprise.

 Me, Jomai, Guillard

 

Location: CS Department Faculty Lounge.

It entailed a little bit of mischievous acts like sneaking inside the folders in her laptop to get some pictures and luring her out from the venue while the rest are making preparations.

I paid your Meralco bill. Feels like I’m in being trusted with a house thing already. I like it.

March (3)

Our worst fight.   You took back the key.  One of my darkest nights. Never thought that you could do it. Never thought that I could walk that distance – alone.

Jomai and Guillard surprised me for my birthday.   

We made polvorons.

I treated them at Jollibee.

But still, it is my worst birthday.

The hell month. Three major projects due. Make-up classes and exams.

April (6)

            I chose to attend summer classes while everyone was up for the OJT.

            Bought Loving Angels by Laureatte Therrien.

 Angels Raphael and Santi

            Started reading Death Note manga.

You returned the key. Reconciliation. The sweetest that I could dream of…

‘Last night I wished on a falling star…’  Too bad, I cannot have that note you wrote.

May (4)

I did not join the field trip for my Philippine Institutions subject.  So I completed a project on acquiring every school in the Philippines named after Rizal.

I got an exemption from our Natural Science 1 final exam.

You were actually very upset that I agreed on meeting up with you the following day, knowing full well that the exemption list was not yet out.  You cannot accept it if I have to cancel our meeting because I was taking up an examination.  You would get hurt. But, I knew myself. J I calculated.  And I was 98.9% percent sure I was going to make it at the exemption list.  Yes, I knew I impressed you.

End of summer classes.

My Natural Science 1 class.

June (1)

I am officially a fourth year college student.

Attended TEDxUP.  But it was only a series of projected videos at the Lecture Hall.  I was deeply impressed by the technology now available to help children with their studies.  It was like an industry already, and I call it – education technology.  Hehe.

You got terribly sick and texted me you cannot even stand and walk your way around.  So I hurried to your house.  You were crying when I opened the door.  You thought that I was not coming at all. I brought you something to eat.  I asked what happened (you did not understand that what I needed to know were the details), and it fueled your irritation once again.  The least you need is my irritating ignorance and insensitivity.  Fortunately, I was able to soften you down.  And fortunately, you liked the food I brought you, even if it was just instant noodles.  I was thinking you would want something cooked, like arrozcaldo.  I was actually skimming through the recipe as I was traveling and I was starting to get nervous that I might fail you again.  Finally, your fever notched several degrees down.  And there was nothing stopping you from going out.  Apparently, you had some business to attend to and I was not allowed to know what that was.  You did not answer me when I asked why you were still going out instead of resting.  Time had taught me not to pry and get very nosy, so I did not push you into it.  So, I just offered to boil the water you will be using to bathe.  I was glad when you conceded.

July (2)

I finally created my Facebook account.  The first Facebook app I tried was Pet Society.  If pets there were real, mine would be probably dead by now. XD

Solar eclipse seen at CS Department. I have not seen it though.  A popular Computer Science professor at the department was allegedly seen with students in front of the department.  They were reportedly holding what appears to be a sheet of material that will enable anyone to see the eclipse without harming his or her eyes.

            Graduation pictorial. 

 

It was happiness yet trepidation

August (1)

Pancake House with Margot.  It was my first time.  I ate cinnamon.  Delicious! Especially that white creamy stuff you have to put as a coating before eating.  Yum, yum.

It is the first time (and probably the last) that you took me to the rooftop.  I watched your drenched hair get dry as the winds roughly blew its strands. We made up stories about the building that we saw, the car on the street, and the people in their homes.  When we got down, amazingly, the strands of your hair turned into a perfect curtain of soft silky black after being tossed and turned by the winds.

I am so excited for your birthday.  You were the one who invited me and made special requests.  It made me quite happy. 

So I had plans laid out.

September (0)

            FAILED plans. I made a major decision. I hope you understand.

Attended BFreeDay with friends at MegaTent, Meralco Avenue. J We got our free UP-designed SmartBro.  We were also very lucky during that day because we got everything else beyond the limits! Basketful of jellyace, overflowing Real Leaf, more than a serving of fishballs and squidballs, etc.! We even got very competitive when we got to the freedom board.  We wrote ‘UP’ in big, bold and red letters – covering other writings from students of different universities! Haha.

Guillard’s Birthday Surprise. It was not what I thought it would be. We utilized all the resources we can harness – Facebook, YahooMail, Gmail, MSPowerpoint, classroom, projector.

A professor caught me sneaking down the stairs. I was sneaking because I was being careful not to be seen by Guillard. XD

Special thanks to a professor who willingly lent to us the projector and joined the fun.

October (0)

Thesis Final Presentation.  Aubrey and I were the one in charge to do the talking.  We were wearing formal outfits.  And some people from Smart were actually invited.  It turned out great.

Me, Ate Ru, Ate Rose Ann, AÜ

            End of first semester.

November (0)

I am officially a graduating student.  The fastest enrolment I have ever experienced since I entered the university if it was not for the fact that I left my Form5 at the laboratory when I was about to pay my tuition fee. XD

Lileth’s Birthday Surprise. I disturbed her sleeping younger sis and busy mother – I raided her house at around 6:30am to 7:00am to give her my gift. Haha.

Started reading Stephenie Meyer’s series.   

Was not able to watch New Moon.

Bought Five People You Meet in Heaven by Mitch Albom at a booksale.

 

December (0)

            After nine years, I cut my hair super short. 

 Margot’s Birthday Date at Ministop.  We ate ice cream.

TEDxManila. An unforgettable experience.  I was a participant-turned-organizer. But it was worth it. I got free shirt, free pins, free food.

We were with one of the speakers, Mr. Iliac Diaz.

Web Science Laboratory Christmas Party. The first time that I had my stomach full the whole day.  I did not join the exchange gift but got lucky enough to win the raffle – I bagged a Cadbury chocolate.

You were once my Cadbury Romeo.

My first job interview.

Best Lantern Parade experience.  I was watching from the very front. The media cameras were directly in front of us.  I was able to see the fireworks from start to end – it was the first.  The experience was thrilling.  The night sky became a large monitor showcasing different lights from different directions.

Ice Cream House date with Margot. We ate cherries.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

All of life is a journey.

Which paths we take, what we look back on,

And what we look forward to is up to us.

We determine our destination,

What kind of road we will take to get there,

And how happy we are when we get there.

Oliver Goldsmith

Not because I want to forget you. It is because I do not want to forget you. I am now starting to rummage my database with primary keys related to you. This is the time. Yet I am actually doing it starting from years ago, back then, when I was younger. Back then when all I say is whatever happens I will never ever leave you.  Yet I feel that this is the real right time to finally remember you. And use whatever thing that reminds me of you. Because I am very much not inclined to the idea of me forgetting you.

I am nearing your ultimate goal. Your goal that I finally click open that gruesome cage I imprisoned you in for years.

That gruesome cage which I thought will bring you the happiness you always longed for.

That gruesome cage which I thought would save you from the despair you seem to always ride with in this roller coaster life all along.

That gruesome cage which you actually tried to love hoping someday it would bend according to your expectations.

That gruesome cage I so nurtured for so many a seconds ago. With tears, shame, jealousy, sadness, violence, hatred.

That gruesome cage called “my undying love for you”.

And since I think I am now holding the key, there is nothing left to do but to insert it in that lock, turn the key clockwise, and stopping as I hear that agonizing clink of unlocking piece of metal. Stopping my heartbeat. Stopping my hope. Stopping my life. Yes. What I am doing is suicide. Suicide, which is for me, the highest form. Suicide that does not kill the body, only the soul. Suicide, in its highest form.  Like pulling the dead batteries from a teddy - silencing its sweet voice that tells “i love you”.  And just like this teddy, you will never ever hear again from me, no matter how hard you put the pressure on my tummy.

So I think about you. Always. For every minute that my mind is empty, there you sits.  I look around and I saw you. My head turns and follows their movements. And with every glance is the realization that I will never see you again.

I see you in that lady’s shoes. I thought that the feet wearing them are yours. Closed shoes. Presenting your inclination to classics. No unnecessary dangles of ribbons, knots, sequins, etc. Just plain leather. Just plain brown. But she is not you. Far more different from you. I forgot that people can be wearing the same shoes.

I thought you were that lady in the taxi. We use to ride in it. I wonder if you ride in it alone. Her hair is similar to yours, you see. Straight and flowing gracefully over your shoulder after that careful treatment you put on it regularly.  But when she turns, the face is out of place. It does not belong to you. It is so happy.

I see a woman far on that street. Looking like lost in the city. Her body is as trimmed as your body is. Not too thin. Not too fat. Sexy. Though you always complain of big tummy.  She walks and I observed her every step.  I am looking for that heavy steps. The tough fall of the toes on the ground. I am looking for any signs that may show that her knees are stiff - an evidence of the disease you cope up with. For I might be actually looking at you walking toward me. But you are not. She is just another woman out there who unintentionally lured me by borrowing your physique.

I ride on a public vehicle.  I do not look around to see who is beside who.  I am thinking that it may be good that you are there and that I am not actually aware of it.  It makes me wander away with thoughts of how are you going to react when you see me sleeping with my head bobbing up and down. Will you be waiting for an empty seat beside me? So that you can catch my head and rest it on your shoulder? What do I do when that happened? Will I stay asleep knowing it was finally you? Or will I ruin the moment by waking up?

I ride a public vehicle. In the silence of the night with the wind blowing away my hopes, I hear someone call the driver to pay her fare.  Was that your voice? I do not look immediately. Not knowing what should be my reaction if it was really you.  But then there is that smallest piece of urge to stop imagining things. Because I know that it was not really you. I hear your voice simply because I think of you. Not because you are there with me too.

At times I think that when you are really there, riding with me in that public vehicle, you will not care to call me so that I may not know of your presence there.  Another reason why I do not look around to see who is beside who.  What if you change your voice so that I will turn my head the moment you speak?  I cannot bear to see you after that.

This is how I will be living my life from now on. Some snippets of how my life will proceed. Now that you are gone.

 I picked a Clow Card: The Fly

 

The Fly (Reverse):  Confusion, carefulness, caring.  Look out above.

 

Just as I was thinking of you leaving me

There comes hope from this card that I picked

The Fly. It’s reversed. Well, what can I say,

Of course I thought you’ll never fly away

 

But if it is true

Why don’t you still come to rescue me

From this abyss of loneliness

From this cage of emptiness

Will the future be so far still

Will it not take effect so suddenly?

Can the card be wrong

Or I interpreted it incorrectly?

 

Confusion.

That is what is left when you said goodbye to me.

The point is that you did not leave me immediately.

You cared to still linger around

Finding me, searching still for my company

After you said goodbye to me.

 

Carefulness.

That is what I wanted for you to show me.

Didn’t you realize I am hurting badly.

Your presence makes me high, your presence makes me low

So please be careful with me, understand my anxiety

After you said goodbye to me, you could have been more

Caring.

 

So is the card lying?

Have I just construed it according to my liking?

Do I need now to look out above?

So I might get my hands ready

In case you change your mind

And you come flying toward me.

My blog entitled ‘Clow Card: The Change’ has a mistake.

The meaning of the Clow Card that I looked at was wrong.

But anyway, I am not going to change it. XD

Oh well. XD

I picked a Clow Card: The Change

 

 

The Change (Reverse):  You like to let it all out.  Don’t give away all your secrets.  People love your secretiveness, but don’t be too secretive.

 

Hmmm… I suddenly remembered the Clow Card I picked up last.  It was The Arrow. Reverse The Arrow.  And it tells about lies.  Now that I think about it, what I wrote in there was all about the secrets I made which made me lie.

 

Yes, I am a very secretive person.  Not because that I might embarrass myself like those silly kids having a hard time admitting to another that they already have a crush or something.  Not because that I do not have good friends or that I am a dead kid.  Not because I am a low profile person.  Not for the fact that I am an only child and got no one to confide my feelings to.

 

It is just because of the protection I want to give to certain things that exists between that secret and the others.

 

If a secret is too overwhelming and quite a dream-come-true to me, which only happens between me and my Caleb, then I am protecting Caleb.  And those stupid standards that the society has set made me even more protective.  <Whether those standards are really stupid or not is not the concern here.> I choose to keep to myself those too important things that happen between us.

 

Because for some reason, when I make a mistake of confiding that to another person, he or she will not understand the situation and sooner or later it was all out in the open.  When that happens, I feel a shard of trust loosen up and eventually fall.

 

I am not inclined to not sharing happy moments with others.  But I am not inclined to sharing it with persons I do not trust.

 

If a secret is too dark, like what most people say as one’s deepest darkest secret, then I am protecting myself.  Come on, who is not?  I have done things so stupid for me to actually believe I’d done it.  Whether I am under a sort of hex or charm while I did that, I do not know.  <I actually tremble remembering them now.> For the most part, I am not embarrassed with it, but rather I am infuriated with myself.  Like, what the hell was I thinking?  Stupid me! Ignorant me!

 

Yes, I think that I still want to let it all out.  And who says I have not tried?  But I tried to reveal secrets as I have said if the secret is a dream-come-true to me not if a secret is dark.  But I learned that I have to be careful with persons to whom I confide my secrets.  I do not want people I tell my secrets to, to feel that they already know me.  I mean, I hate people who act like they know me when in fact they do not.

 

And it happens when I tell them a secret.  Probably because that I super seldom share that when I already share, they think that they already witnessed the real me. They are wrong.  I want someone who will just listen.  Period.

 

The only person that I shared my deepest darkest secret to was Caleb.  And Caleb actually saved me from it.  Caleb is the person I trust the most.

 

People love your secretiveness.

 

Ha! O-o-kei.  I rather think that they might love my secretiveness because I can be a good vault for their own secrets. XD

 

Another reason is that the pure essence of a certain thing that happens between me and a person, if kept secret, will not be tainted.

 

Still another reason might be that they may find me sort of mysterious and challenging.  Who does not want to coax or rather, to tease a person into finally letting it out all?

 

Oh well. XD

I picked a Clow Card: The Arrow

 

Reverse: Little lies you tell, and no one realizes it.  It’ll hurt you when they do find out!  Strength, love, flowers.

 

Of course. I do tell lies. Reasons?

 

First, I want to keep certain things to myself.

Second, I do not trust that person I lied to.

Third, I do not want to cry.

Fourth, I do not want to cry in front of that person.

 

I’m sorry.

I picked a Clow Card. The Light.

The Light:  The most ‘powerful’ and influential of the cards, but also mysterious.  Loyal and a bit aloof, and very kind.  Intelligent.  Couples with her opposite The Dark.

Upright: Power and passion, blinding light and beauty, a sense of self pride, but with inner fears no one knows.

 

The Light.  It seems ironic that I picked it. Since, I’m still confused and depressed. I’m actually in the dark.  Nevertheless, Since I couple with the opposite, The Dark, maybe that is why I feel this way: so dark.  Which really, makes it quite mysterious.

 

Or maybe it is a message.  That even though it is dark, there is light.  But I’m tired of assuming that something is a message.  Just because it pops out at the moment it seems it must pop out, then it is already some sign of something positive.  Why don’t Someone speak directly to me instead.  It is hard to make yourself believe things that actually you just associated with the current situation in your life.  It is clear that we just do so because that is what we wanted, and not what is really the message.

 

This is perhaps the inner fear.  I hate what I have just realized.  That what we assume is actually what we just wanted to happen.  I fear that I am mistaken.  That  I look like some optimistic individual but actually, I look pathetic.

 

Where is the Light?

 

Where are you?

import emotions.*;

private class YouAndMe {

private String you;
private String me;
private int arguments;
private boolean isUsOkay;
private boolean youHappy;
private boolean meHappy;
private boolean youFeelLoved;
private boolean meFeelLoved;

private YouAndMe(String you, String me, boolean isUsOkay, int arguments) {
this.you = you;
this.me = me;
this.isUsOkay = isUsOkay;
this.arguments = arguments;
youHappy = false;
meHappy = false;
youFeelLoved = false;
meFeelLoved = true;
}

private String willToBeTogether(){
if(youHappy && youFeelLoved && isUsOkay && (arguments  == 0)){
return “We will be together!”;
}else{
return “We will not be together”;
}
}

private static void main(String arguments[]){
YouAndMe us = new YouAndMe(”best”, “angel”, false, arguments.length);
System.out.println(us.willBeTogether());
}

}

In general, we like to give promises..

And whether we accept it or not, we like to hear someone promise that things will be like the ones we hope them to be..

But these promises often break..

Then the next time you hear another promise, you take it as another false hope..

Sooner or later, you proved you’re right..

And so false hopes pile up..

And then you ask..

What is better..

..saying that things will come out better, saying versions of ‘don’t-worry-i’ll-be-here-forever’ lines.. ?

..or just being with someone you care not to lose..

..seeing yourselves happy together without any expectations of what each other is supposed to do..

..feeling contented with each others presence..

..and even if no words come out from anyone of you, you feel your dreams come true..

..sniff.. =