I went to do some stuff online and saw that Q was feeling down and then I read that he wrote about a girl that’s dead to him. Oh wait, that’s probably me. I feel even crappier then I did before. I wish I was far away. I wish this didn’t hurt so much. Nothing has ever hurt so much. I feel so useless and incomplete.

I began day one of my mini-vacation well. My body didn’t let me sleep in as I had hoped, but I was rather productive. Except during my chores I kept having these spells where I’d start remembering the way I felt when Q held me or caressed my cheek and I’d just start crying. I had to go lie down and the kitties consoled me. I wound up falling asleep for a couple hours and just woke up. I’m going to eat some food and do some art. I think I need that right now. I don’t know why, but it’s just been really hard recently with Q. Not that it was ever easy, but I had felt like I was moving forward, and I still do, but I’m still stuck on Q. Then I remember the things he said to me recently, how I was added stress and it confounds my emotions. Anyways, time to start my day at 2 pm.

Yay, my weekend has begun! It started with a trip with Eileen and Russell to do some costume shopping. I’m going to be Princess Peach, Eileen a Toadstool, Russell Mario, and I think another guy is going to be Luigi. I’m so excited! We have so many pre-Halloween plans including a costume making party tomorrow and pumpkin carving on Sunday. After we did our shopping and returned to my house I discovered that Q left his key and a note that “This is best.” I know deep down it is, but it still hurt. I guess it just came as a shock after the way we were last night. He was super nice today to and had offered to bring me lunch. I just keep thinking about some of the stuff he said and it tears me up. I’ve missed him a lot as it is and now, I’m guessing, we’re not going to be much of friends. He hints at that, but I’m just so confused.

I plan to relax and make the most of my days off. I’m going to be lazy tonight, but I’ll make up for it later

My weekend begins at 4:00 today and I have high hopes of an awesome break. I am feeling much better this morning. Q put my emotions at ease and it indicates, to me, that he wants to maintain a friendship. I really do look up to Q and he’s one of those people you meet and you know that they are golden.

I am super excited about my extended weekend. This past weekend I was working and getting ready for this fundraiser brunch we had on Sunday. Everything went awesome. It was my first event, yet I heard a lot of positive feedback from recurring attendees that this year was a big jump and we’ve come along way since our first annual (this was fifth). This definitely boosted my spirits and I felt very accomplished. I put a lot of energy into this event and I was ecstatic to see so many families enjoying themselves.

Anyways, here’s to the weekend and to life and to friends. I am the most thankful for those three things (mostly the last two). I don’t want to feel as down as I did yesterday. Writing helped me calm me down alot and I would like to do some short story writing during my extended break. Perhaps some art too. I will keep you post of my adventures.

As soon as I had finished writing my emotional post, and I had finally calmed down, Q showed up at my door. He just smiled and I smiled back. That lasted for a few minutes and then we hugged. He sat down and we talked and wound up getting some pizza and talking. I apologized for everything and promised I will back off more in regards to texts and calls. It reassured me and it also gave me hope that maybe Q realizes how much he did mean to me and how much I am trying to become a better person after what I experienced with him. I want to be able to give him everything if I happened to have another chance. For now I want to be the best friend I can be for him, that is, if he wants me there.

Anyways, it’s late. My friends just left. We had a night of “Curb Your Enthusiasm” followed by a Del Taco run. Too bad I feel somewhat nauseous from my breakfast burrito and it’s bedtime.

This weekend was quite accomplishing and rewarding and I would love to go on, but, at the moment, I am in a really dark place. I feel so empty and it makes me feel dead inside. Perhaps I shall elaborate:

It all comes back to Q. The Q I have written about in past blogs. The Q I am still secretly in love with, yet the Q I need to move past. Q and I were best friends and eventually we dated for almost three years. Now we got engaged during that time and I can say that those were some of the happiest days of my life. Q was, quite frankly, the first person I ever fell in love with. I thought I knew what love was, but I have only known lust and material attraction (i.e. drugs, money).  Well, I fucked up everything with Q. A few months after we got engaged I went on this trip to Vegas with my girl friends. It was an awful trip because everybody was mad and bitchy. The last night there we had to go to a family function and all of us wound up drinking plenty of cheap beer. We were dancing (it was in a backyard) and this one guy danced with me. He pulled me close and kissed me,  or so I think. That’s the worst part. He was this goofy kid I felt bad for and then he attempted to put a move on me. I didn’t say anything about it and the worst part is that now I can’t even recall the details of the night. All I know is that at most we kissed and quite possibly that didn’t happen. This remained a secret until 2.5 years later…or should I say a couple months ago. An ex-friend that had been on the trip referred to it as “me making out” in a casual conversation around Q. I don’t know why I had kept it secret and why I still denied it, but I was so scared of how he would feel. I felt like it was better left unsaid, but now I know that it is always best to be open.

So, this happens and Q and I are still engaged and then everything just gets really rocky for awhile. On top of this incident he brings up how I lied about talking to an ex online (except it was platonic and he was engaged in a different state) and about another time when I was in an altered state and a guy kissed me in front of him. He was also upset that I had a friend over- he happened to be male and a high school FWB, but neither of us did anything nor wanted to. So all these broke his trust with me and now we’re not engaged. Somewhere in between all this chaos he found my oldest journals and read them. A lot of those pages had shit I never wanted to look at again, but I knew that they would come in handy when I sought professional help. Those journals had a lot of deep thoughts and a lot of my regrets, but I knew I may need to look back on them. After he read them I threw them out. He said they made him sick and, to be honest, I can’t remember if he told me to throw them out or if I did out of rage. So since the split Q and I are “friends.”
It seemed as though things had been getting better, but, once again, I misread him and discovered things are the same. We still occasionally hang out and he pops in now and then because  he has a key. We also work together, so getting over him isn’t easy. Now back to today. I had just gotten home as he was pulling up to drop off some tomatoes for me. He took my sarcasm as sincerity and it turned into a fight. I was initially baffled by how upset he was. He was ready to leave. He had seemed ruffled when I first saw him this evening so I asked how he was, which turned out to be a terrible idea because he took that as me bringing up the earlier incident, which wasn’t the case. It turned into him telling me how lucky I am he’s still around. How other guys in his place would have never spoken to me again. How I still give him special treatment. How I text and call too much (maybe I do, but I text everyone a lot). He also said how he feels like I’m holding something against him. That just crushed me inside, because I have surrendered to him. I have accepted that I broke his heart and pushed him away. In fact I still love him. Sadly, I think my feelings extend to the point where he could walk all over me and I wouldn’t care. He said he didn’t even want to stay today. He had just wanted to drop off the tomatoes and leave. He told me how he feels like he sees me too much and he can’t take it. He also said he feels like I see our break as his fault. That was another blow. Everything happened so quickly and before I knew it I was hyperventilating and both of us were in tears.

That brings us to now.  I’m slowly calming down, but I still feel so low. I just want to lie there. I feel like a ruined Q’s life and like it would be better if I wasn’t even here. I would save him a lot of pain and he could be happy again. I haven’t felt like this since he first left and it seems even worse this time. I don’t know what to do about him anymore. I treat him like a friend and he has his moments where he comes to me, but then this happens and I want to die. I want to sink into the earth and never be seen again. I never wanted to ruin Q’s life and I never wanted him to feel unloved and I did. It’s hard to move on when the on thing you were living for is no longer there.

Let’s hear it for the weekend! I had a really random emotional roller coaster sort of week. My friends had all been really awesome and always managed to lift my spirits, so I figured I should throw a celebration- the first annual “Passion of the Thug” party. My friend Derrick had told me about this awesome drink you can get at this one bar and it is called “thug passion.” Not only is this delicious beverage a combination of bubbly and Alize, but it is also referenced by the rap-lord Tupac in one of his songs. Rather then go to the bar and blow big bucks I figured why not invite my closest friends over and have some quality party time.To top it off I knew it would be a rockin’ night when Q’s pre-party BBQ was banging! I had some amazing shrimp kabobs and a glass of wine. I baked some chocolatey nut bars, but they were so good I was left without any for myself. My party wound up starting at 10, but we were hardcore and the champagne and Alize were flowing and everyone was having a good time. I had so much fun I wound up throwing up in the Del Taco drive-thru while we waited for some late night burritos. I didn’t feel so bad once Derrick threw up twice once we got back.

Saturday was a lazy day. Derrick and I started it with a Taco Shop visit and beer. Q stopped in briefly after. We talked and it wound up getting fairly emotional and we hugged for a long time. We put a lot out there and it felt good. I felt like we both want to remain part of each others life for the first time. Q is so hard to read and sometimes I can misread how he feels about me. I saw my family for lunch and it was relatively tolerable considering I was still somewhat buzzed. The rest of the day I just hung with my homies Andrew & Jeff. We played liar’s dice and Halo. Eventually Q showed up, which is always awesome. He played some Halo, but he kept to himself a bit.

Sunday I slept in. It was the first time in a long, long time. The day was filled with cleaning and I stopped by work. I was nothing exciting. Q stopped by and we had another talk that ended in the tightest embrace. I didn’t want to let go. I never want to let go. As I sat down to watch “Most Smartest Model” that night Vanessa called and said she wanted to stop by. She showed up with some Ben n’ Jerry’s and we had a mini gab fest. Right as she left Derrick popped in to show off his rad new nerf gun. We were chilling and Q called. He had just moved into his new place and he was bored and wanted company. I said I would love to stop by…well I don’t think I worded it like that, but in my mind I was jumping like a Mexican bean. It was so nice spending time with him. It just feels so good to be next to him. I can never stop smiling when we’re together and he makes me feel so euphoric inside. We hung out a lot last night too. Well, not quite. He doesn’t have electricity in his house, so he asked to stay at my house to study with light. I agreed. I let him do his thing and I did mine. Baked some cookies and did some art and started to write, but I grew tired. He was taking a nap when I fell asleep and I randomly woke up at 2am while he was awake. He invited me out to the living room. It was nice to sit together and talk. He wound up sleeping in my bed not the spare room (no funny business). We cuddled a lot during the night. I didn’t say anything about it, because that’s the only place I ever want to be. At one point I woke up and kissed him. He just looked so precious and I didn’t care if I crossed I boundary. He was sleeping anyways.

Now it’s Tuesday and I’m condemned to my work desk. Alas, it is time for my coffee and busting my ass. I think it will be a good week. I got my drink and my two step…I’m set.

Last night I was doing okay when I blogged. Then I had some friends stop by and hang out for awhile. Once they left and I was alone I got really sad again. The emptiness of the house got to me and I’ve been missing my friend that I have feelings for (let’s now call him Q). So it came down to me sitting there and feeling as down as yesterday. As I felt the emptiness spread inside my body I couldn’t stop imaging Q’s arms wrapped around me.  Then I thought about him in general and I felt more lost. I laid on the couch afraid to move. I didn’t want to hurt myself, but when the pain inside feels like that you want a distraction like that. I knew what I had to do. I was a bit reluctant at first, but I called Q. He’s been the only one I could ever open up to and I know he has the power to make me feel better. He didn’t answer. I laid some more. I tried texting a few people and one of my buddies called back. He was studying, but he reminded me of the transcendentalists and the beastiality of nature (I was going to read Thoreau so thats how this came up). I wound up reading some Emily Dickenson and felt much better after just letting it out. Q also called back eventually and I briefly saw him. He asked what was wrong, but I couldn’t tell him. He was there for me and that was all I needed. He held me tight when we hugged and that especially helped. I feel worn out today though. It drains me when I get bummed. I did see Q again in the morning. He stopped by before I left to work and it made my day He’s such a great guy. I wish I could tell him.

Today at work I met my first big deadline and I was really pressed for time. It was something I was aware I had to do, but I did not know that my boss was leaving town for a week. That doesn’t sound so bad, right? I should be elated she won’t be nagging at me every two seconds, but we are 10 days away from an annual fund raiser. I work for a non-profit organization and we only have one other annual event, which we are probably getting rid of, so this is pretty big. I usually helped out with organizational stuff for this event before, but now that I’ve been promoted I’m the one in charge…and more so in charge when my boss gone and I have to do her work…Anyways, I got off track, but, nonetheless, it was a very accomplishing day. A 9 hour day, but I felt so good after. I finished a relatively pain in the ass project with a two day warning of a deadline. Unfortunately, anybody I could celebrate with is working, in school, or sick.

Yesterday wasn’t so good. I did pretty well over the weekend. Kept busy. Stayed out of the house. Did anything I could to keep myself away from my own thoughts. Then yesterday I heard something that really upset me. At first I felt okay, but it began to sting and then my eyes welled up. Then I just started feeling really down and like a failure and I had to let it out for a bit. I hadn’t cried like that in so long. It really sucked, because I had been feeling better otherwise. I managed to compose myself and call some people. I found a friend to eat taco bell and watch a scary movie with. Not to mention once I made my s’more I knew everything was going to be okay.

I also went through some sort of mid-life crisis this weekend. I spotted the beginnings of a spider vein on my leg and almost fainted in the shower. I’m 23- I should NOT have spider veins. I think plastic surgery is stupid, but if I get major spider veins I AM getting them removed, pulled out, whatever it takes! Lucky for me, when I shared the news with a couple of girl friends at the local gay bar they assured me I am not old. They even claimed to have some. Once I heard them say that I could happily drink my tokyo iced tea. I still feel young and I’d like to stay that way. Not immature, but young at heart. I know I’ll probably be a bitter old woman, but I will still have an unhealthy obsession with Hello Kitty and I will still love cookies. Plus, I look around at work and I am the youngest there. I do quite a bit. I enjoy it, so it’s not terrible, but I’ve been doing what I do now for a while. Anywho, I’m proud of myself! I think about how I was when I started college. I didn’t think I’d come this far, but little alipop did! I figured I’d o.d. first. I’m sure as hell glad I didn’t. I’m also glad I figured this out while I’m still young. I still have my whole life ahead.

Here’s to the hump day! Yay, we made it!!

So…the time that has lapsed between now and my last post has greatly effected my mood. I just managed to force myself up from sobbing on my bed. I just broke down. It was terrible. I felt, and still feel, so stupid. AND I just can’t stop crying. I managed to move myself to the next room to get some toilet paper for my nose, but I figured if I motivate myself to sit at the lap-top I will, hopefully, feel better soon

Now, how I got to this point goes like this: I was supposed to hang with my buddy. He didn’t call or respond to my texts, so I ate dinner and wasted time here. That’s when my friend that I have feelings that I can’t act upon for called and showed up with this kid. I chilled with them, no problem. They took off pretty quickly, but my friend eventually came back. He’d been spending the night here the past few nights, but tonight he’s going somewhere else. Anyways, he came back and I was doing some writing while he did homework. We didn’t really talk, which sucked to be honest, but I didn’t want to interrupt his study time. He left shortly after, but, here’s the kicker- before he leaves he goes online and sees this thing I posted about having a crush. This leads him to ask me who this is. Okay- stop. First of all, this made me feel completely embarrassed and humiliated. Not only that, I started to cry. Not really sure why. My initial reaction was shock I guess. I thought it was pretty obvious, at times, that I have a certain soft spot in my heart for this guy and it’s not something you just get over. I love him and can’t tell him and I know he wants to see other people. I don’t want him out of my life, but it’s hard sometimes when I’m around him and I guess today was one of those days. My first response to his question was “None of your business.” Minutes passed. Then he asked, “Why won’t you tell me?” That’s when I really lost it. Does he really think that I’m over him? That he was so insignificant that I just bounced back? I had to leave the room for a second. Then we said our goodbyes. He’d had some cookies baking when he decided to leave. He said I could have them, but I’m not even hungry now. I feel like I caused this awkwardness now. What the crap. As I said goodbye I got a bit teary eyed as he opened the door. He asked me if I was okay. I just nodded (maybe spit out some words) and we held each other for a bit. He was just gone. I buried my myself in my mattress when he left. I just let it all out. It hurt, but I guess it did make me feel a little better. I still just feel so stupid. Not only that, I feel so small, because the one person I have ever truly loved doesn’t feel that I ever did.

My tears are slowing down. I can breath much easier now. I still feel like such a jackass though!!! I would really like to be with the friends that you-know-who is with now, but, obivously…

Well, here’s to the weekend. I feel like I’m being a big bummer, so I’m putting myself to bed. I tried to play my “Cheer Up” playlist, but the upbeat songs were too much for me at this hour and I’ve settled for Massive Attack. I want to keep myself busy this weekend. I don’t want to feel like this again anytime soon.