I just arrived at work and my mood is already slowly fading. Q was here and he opened up a bit to me and confessed he was lonely. A few tears dribbled down his cheeks and I couldn’t help but begin to tear up and feel that his pain is all my fault. We stood there for awhile and I let him know I will always be there, but I think it was to no avail. We parted and I tried to sneak into the bathroom to clean up, but he beat me to the punch and I settled on making coffee and attempting to somber up.

Friday was a different story. It was work as usual, but Q offered to drive me home. We briefly hung out, which left me with plenty of time to get ready for a costume party. I was going to be Princess Peach and a fallen angel, but settled on only being an angel. I looked pretty rad and a lot of people liked my costume. Unfortunately, and ironically, my wings broke, but it didn’t spoil the night. Q was there too and decided to nap in my friend’s room. I had to sneak in to get my purse while he was sleeping and woke him. We semi-wrestled and were playful until my friend walked in and became very confused. The rest of the night included hide and seek (in my boots nonetheless), some other tag game, drinking, dancing, “would you rather”, and some bond fire action. I met some pretty awesome people and tried to keep myself from Q. I wanted to party with him, but I didn’t want to crowd his space. During a bond fire moment one of my friends asked me how I was holding up. I told him I have my ups and downs. He pretty much told me to hang in there and figure out what I want. I told him I thought I knew, but I think I need to find my true self first. He agreed. Q wound up offering to drive me home. I got home around 4 am and made some spaghetti before crashing unexpectedly on the couch.

Saturday was somewhat lackluster from what I remember. I slept in because I felt numb and didn’t want to leave the bed. The rest of the day I spent doing chores. Q and I had somewhat of a spat. I don’t even know what it was really. He was upset and I was already feeling so low that his fairly abrupt exit left me in a battered state. Once again I felt like I ruined his life. I felt like a mistake and like something that should have never been. I just want to see Q happy again and sometimes I feel like he would be happy without me, period. I texted him that I had wanted to hug him before he left and his response was there are a lot of things he wishes. That was the final stab in my heart. On top of crying I hyperventilated and just laid there. My mind was in a terrible place and it hurt so bad. Two of my friends called just after my breakdown and I somewhat lost it again with one. He knew something was different in my voice and asked if I was okay. I told him now I am. I wound up going to a late night movie and slept through some of it.

Sunday was another late start day. However, I awoke to a text and voice mail from Q asking if I was okay. I had sent him a text about being down, because he seemed to take something I said the wrong way. I called him and he said he was on his way to check on me. We hung out briefly and had some lunch. It was nice to see him and knowing that somebody cares is always a mood booster. I spent the rest of the day thrift store shopping and had dinner with the family. My dad opened up to me a bit too. It was quite surprising. He talked about depression and just how everyone has ups and downs and it becomes necessary to be strong. I hung out with friends the rest of the evening and just tried to get caught in the moment.

This work week has been pretty slow, but my nights have been busy. Monday turned into a bond fire night and last night I went to She Wants Revenge with Q. We met the band again too. It was super badass. Hopefully, I’ll see some more friends tonight, because today’s going to be rough.

Q justed hugged me goodbye to go to class. My body still feels tingly and warm from his embrace. I wish I could tell him I still love him. I wish we could spend the rest of our lives together. For now I guess I just have to keep wishing.

p.s. if you couldn’t tell the top pic is me as a fallen angel and my friend as a vampire. the bottom one is button (gray) and jack (orange).

I am alive and well. This is a sorry excuse for a blog, but I am short on time. This weekend was fun when I was with my friends, but Saturday I spent a good chunk of time crying. I didn’t quite know what I was crying about, well somewhat, but I just couldn’t stop. I hyperventilated and just laid there for awhile. Button helped cheer me up a lot, but it still hurt. I’ve had an endless migraine for almost a week. My whole body has been achy too. Anywho, time to go home from work.

Happy Birthday, Hello Kitty! Now that I have that out of the way back to the usual business. The past few days have been going pretty well. I’ve been spending a lot of time with friends- planned and unexpected drop-ins. I’m hoping I haven’t been to busy to comprehend my emotions and that once I do have time to myself it’s down in the dumps again.

Halloween was more low key then planned, but even more fun. I went to work as Princess Peach and when I stood beside my friend dressed as Peter Pan it looked like Peach and Link. The Nintendo group was supposed to go to “The Nightmare Before Christmas”  3D and the prior night “Mario” was called away on work and then Halloween afternoon “Luigi” flaked. With a few frantic calls and texts we had a Mario. So our movie adventure was comprised of 2 vampires, me (Peach), Mario, and Toad. Even though we’d all seen the movie a few times before we all agreed it was awesome. I had a lot of fun with everyone, but I couldn’t help and wish Q was there. I went out on a limb and asked him to be Mario, but no such luck- as I had predicted. We all wound up chilling at a friend’s house afterwards. We did some costume mixing and matching and role playing. It was laid back, but it was nice to have everyone together, yet, at the same time, I couldn’t help but think it would be “everybody” if Q was there. Even today I keep thinking about him. It’s been hard not contacting him, but I suppose it’s for the best.

As for the new kitty- my cats are slowly warming up to him. I’ve named him Button for his adorableness. Buddah (the oldest)  is still being a diva and growls now and then. Butters keeps being jumped by Button and responds by running away.

It’s almost quitting time, so back to work……until next time.

Afternoon laziness has crept upon me as I try to do “bookkeeping” chores at work. I’m not a bookkeeper, but I have to do some number crunching from my fund raising event. It’s quite difficult, because 1) I am an English and Writing major and 2) I am exhausted from my 2 meal lunch (well a burrito half and healthy choice mac n cheese). I guess there are a few other things I’d like to get off my chest. One is the obvious- I am still feeling empty inside from Q and I have had to make conscious efforts not to instigate communication. It’s all the more difficult when I see something I want to share with him and then I have to stop and remind myself he may just be around to keep my emotions stable (well, for the most part). I’ve still been down, even with the new fur ball, but I can tell the kitty is helping lift my spirits- even though I did just sit bawling with it for an hour last night. Today my high school journalism teacher stopped by. The last time I saw him we chewed the fat, but this time we were able to catch up. He informed me that his health has been declining since he retired in May. In that time he has found out about 2 inoperable tumors. One is not much of a threat but the other is aggressive. He said he is waiting on test results, but at this point the chemo is starting to take it’s toll. He said, at this point, if the results are lackluster he is just going to stop chemo and just live to the fullest while he can. It was hard to keep a straight face as he explained this to me. I have always looked up to this man. In my eyes he was an unstoppable grizzly, yet a teddy bear deep down. He was the first person to show me my strengths as a writer and he always encouraged me. I have his contact info and I plan to stay in touch. While I was in college I only visited him a couple times and now that I’m done I know I will have more time available.

…..Now, back to cross checking monthly budget sheets…..

It’s late and I am tired, but I just wanted the world to know that I have a new baby kitty. He is gray with some black stripes and super cute. My two other diva cats have not adapted to this change quite yet, but they’ll get used to it soon enough.I promise to post pictures as soon as I am capable! The rest of today was somewhat hard. The past few days, really, have been hard. I keep thinking about Q and how much I miss him, but I know I need to stop thinking about him and move forward. It is still hard. Damn, I still love him and we’ve been getting along fairly well. Anywho, it’s bedtime….

When I woke up this morning I felt like it was one of those days. I have my okay days and I have my days when it is hard to be motivated or just not be crying. I used to be ashamed of those days and I never wanted to let my friends and family know about some of the negative thoughts that crossed my mind. I never realized that being open my depression with the ones that matter would lift a huge burden. I always felt so alone and so hopeless. Sometimes I still feel that way, but I know that I have supportive friends and they are always guaranteed fun and smiles. Thinking about all this made me realize that, at some point, I would LOVE to work as a counselor or even for a suicide hot line. Maybe it sounds somewhat morbid, but, personally, sometimes just knowing someone else is there, in person or via technology, can help ease your sadness. Emo kids (aka. depressed in this sense) should not be ashamed of their emotions. Sometimes we may not feel as happy as others or we may have different ways of tending to our pain, but, ultimately, I realized, we must embrace this difference! Now, by all means, I am not saying use depression as an excuse for calling out of work, I am simply stating that it is okay to let a few friends know that there may come a time when you call upon them just because you need someone to talk to. It is okay to tell your parents that sometimes you don’t want to talk to anybody, because of the way you feel. I just know that I became so consumed by how people would judge me I neglected myself and my emotions and, more importantly, people I care about. So brush the wispy black bangs from your eyes emo boy or girl and pat yourself on the back! Bottom line, you should love yourself for who you are and if your emo, by god then love emo you!

Now that I’m done be philosophical I can recap my festive day. I forgot about the spontaneous Lego session at my house last night until I managed to drag myself out of bed at 11:30 and saw the various vehicles on the floor. Just as I got ready to jump in the shower Keldan called to tell me it was time to head to the pumpkin patch. I rushed around and by the time they arrived the plans had changed- all seven of us were going. We didn’t really go to a patch. It was a tent on the side of the road. This city is definitely not a pumpkin patch type of place. Everyone found really nice looking pumpkins. Two kids got large gourds and I got an albino pumpkin (I had a Hello Kitty pumpkin in mind).

After everyone had their pumpkins we retreated to Keldan’s house. We had some veggies burgers, candy, and lots of yummy food before carving pumpkins. It was my first food of the day, so  I was in heaven. My Hello Vampire Kitty came out awesome! I had never seen a white pumpkin and it worked so well. I am camera-less,  but Kristen took a crap ton of pictures and once I get them I promise to post. Michelle made a Jack the Pumpkin King pumpkin from her gourd and we are all hoping it hardens into a shell she can keep. Since my pumpkin was white the skin was a little thicker. I’m hoping this means it stays longer. It was a pain to do some of the carving because I had to really jab the knife in there. I scared my friends unintentionally a few times.

Q stopped by tonight during my post pumpkin carving festivities. We were just chilling and he joined us for a bit. We didn’t really talk too much while we sat together, but when we hugged before he left we shared a few, but important, words. He asked me if I was okay and I told him I would be and I just wanted to know he was okay. I started to tear up and I told him it’s just hard sometimes, but he held me tight and told me to just keep going the direction I’m headed. He kissed me on the forehead. And we just stared at each other for awhile. He said he may stop by tomorrow. I hope I get to see him. I really missed him these past few days. I remember looking forward to a day off, because it meant I could spend time with Q and this break I kept thinking about that and it made it hard. I had promised myself I wouldn’t initiate contact with him, but I had to text him right now. He had a burn on his face and I just wanted to make sure he has or plans to see a doctor.

I can’t believe another weekend has ended. I’m super excited about Halloween and I can actually smile about Q. Good night world.

The day had it’s up and downs. Q was on my mind constantly and even  when I had friends keeping me company I had to concentrate to hold back the tears. I had a lot of last minute company so we are having a Lego building session. I’m glad my friends rock so hard because I’d probably be in a bad place now.

Good night and more later

My third costume quest went rather well. I’m going to be Princess Peach and I have some friends that will be other Nintendo characters: Mario, Luigi, Toad and maybe some more to be determined. Yesterday I found a long blonde “princess” style wig and I bought some long white gloves. I’m still looking for a pink shirt with pouffy sleeves. I highly doubt I’m going to any costume parties tonight, so I’m not to worried that my costume is incomplete. I figure, worst case scenario, I can be a fallen angel because I have my black wings and corset. I would really love to, but I haven’t heard anything and my usual party partner is out of town for the weekend. Q mentioned how he had been invited to three different parties and that made me feel lame.

After my costume shopping yesterday I spent the day with various homies. I felt so much better in the morning and when I saw my friends my spirits were lifted higher. Of course I would occasionally see something that reminded me of Q and I would be momentarily paralyzed trying not to cry or reveal my sadness. I also had my car looked at in hopes of getting it repaired. Since August I have been car less on and off for months at a time. First, it wasn’t holding water and then I had a new pump installed, yet the problem remained the same. It was fixed a second time and is running much better, but it has a sputter and makes some interesting noises.  However, the mechanic that saw it said my problem is most likely inside my engine and that’s not his forte.

I ended my awesome day with an awesome night. Bad Boy Bill came to town and we all went dancing! I had seen him before, but in a different city. The whole gang went and some friends I haven’t seen much of recently drove me up there. Q was there of course. It was his mini-pre-party. He looked so good and he was acting nice, so it was very hard for me. I had a few beers, so that helped ease my mind and it made it less difficult to see Q dancing with different girls. One of my friends could tell and I still have feelings for Q and I was surprised he helped me get my mind off of things and assured me to hang in there. He and I have never had any sort of dimensional conversation, so that’s always a nice feeling to find a friend you didn’t expect to. We all had an awesome time though and danced our butts off. I bought these super cute, yet killer heels. They are sparkly silver and have black lace over them and a little patent leather black bow. I was dancing fine for the first hour and then at one point my left ankle buckled and bent the wrong way. After that it was impossible for that ankle to support me. Q thought I was too drunk, but Justin helped me out and took my shoes from me. Once I was barefoot I was fine to dance again. My ankle still hurts this morning and my feet are pitch black, but oh well. Q was at the after party and before he left he gave me a sweet hug. I think I was the only one he hugged. I think I may have said something kinda drunk and kinda “I like you”, but I’m not a hundred percent sure. I just know that I kept wanting to hold him last night and when I got home and went to bed I wanted to kiss him good night and cuddle.

I don’t know what my plans are for today. Derrick is coming back and we will watch “Fantastic Planet.” I guess it’s animated and that’s about all I know. I’m hoping to see Q later. Yesterday, he stopped by unexpectedly and then he also texted me to help him dye his hair. All this after he told me I call him too much. I’ve just been taking it in strife. I just need to watch myself, because at this point I would, sadly, do almost anything for him and I can’t give him that special treatment. He said so himself. It’s just hard to get past that, but I need to learn. Time for breakfast and time for me to stop thinking about Q.

I was talking to a friend on my phone as I logged on and just discovered I will be doing some costume shopping VERY shortly. I’m feeling better today. I definitely don’t want to spend day two of my vacation crying. Last night I discovered the wig I thought I bought for Peach is the wrong one. It’s a super short bob, so I need to fix that.

Y’all come back now, ya’ hear?

As I laid curled up in a ball my phone rang- it was Q. I tried to sound as though I hadn’t been crying, but he knew anyways. He asked what was wrong and if I had been drinking. That made me mad for a second, but then I told him it’s just the same thing. He had left his bag here and needed to stop by before class. He said it would only be for a minute and I told him I understood. It was good to see him even if it was briefly. He hugged me and he told me everything is going to be okay. I wanted to tell him what I was crying about. How much I’ve missed hearing him snore or laugh. I just held him tight and tried to keep myself together. He got a phone call as he walked out the door. I started to close it behind him when he hung up and he turned around with open arms. I feel a lot better now. I hope I was just overreacting with what I read. There’s no way I can handle it if he truly feels that way, but he acts nice to my face. I wish I could go hold him again now.