I have been feeling a lot better about things in general lately. I don’t know if I have just come to terms with things or if it’s something more from within. I still wish I hadn’t done some of the things I have and I wish I hadn’t pushed away the only one I’ve ever loved, but these are all learning experiences. I could just continue to wallow and feel sorry for myself, but that’s not what I need. That’s not what anybody needs. All I can do is go up from here. All I can do is move forward and try to be the best person I possible can be. Be the best friend, daughter, civilian, employee, etc. The past few days I’ve spent a lot of time with the person I enjoying spending time with the most. It still gets hard because I know my feelings are far from his. It’s a little easier for me to suppress my non-platonic feelings at this point. I’m not sure when this transpired, but I know these feelings aren’t entirely gone. I’m not sure if they ever will be. I can only hope that maybe, just maybe, one day I will have a chance to reveal my true feelings, but at this point I can only look up.

I thought I had managed to accept that a former lover was a friend, and I have, but I still feel something more for him. The fact that I know our relationship is set to friend level makes it all the more difficult. I love being around him, but then again it reminds me why I do in fact love him. We spent a lot of unplanned time together yesterday and I just couldn’t stop smiling or laughing. We were just being so goofy and it was nice to joke around for awhile. Now I’m at work and thinking about him. I’m trying to focus on the work in front of me, but I can only picture him smiling, laughing, looking at me with those beautiful eyes. I wish I could have told him how much I love him this morning.  I can’t do that though. I’m not sure if I’ll ever be able to say those words to him again and it kills me.

This weekend I remembered why my friends rock so hard. They all helped me forget how crappy I’ve been feeling and just have fun. I just got home from a sushi dinner at a friend’s house and last night we partied hard and Friday we hit up a spontaneous concert. I didn’t have any plans and I even felt super down at some points, but I found myself laughing and smiling and just being stuck in a moment. I got to tumble on a trampoline last night. It was such a physical high rolling head over heels and bouncing towards the sky for a second. It was nice going out. Being coped up in this house is enough to bring me down sometimes. I guess this weekend let me know everything is going to be okay.

Yesterday was a good day in one key aspect. I told two people exactly what I ad needing to. One was coming clean about my depression with my dad. I told him I wasn’t ready to talk too much about it, but he said he understood and didn’t want to pry. He did dance around some subjects with simple questions, but I think he mostly wanted to make sure I wasn’t in a dark place. I’ve been in darker places and I know that it can only grow brighter from here. The second thing was I told my friend how I honestly felt. Well, he asked me to tell him truthfully how I felt. At first he scolded me for lecturing a friend and my response was you’re a friend worth saving and I want to keep this friendship going. I felt terrible afterwards though, because I said something that clicked inside him; however, I’m scared it may have clicked that he doesn’t want to be my friend anymore. I reminded him through this he was the one who told me to stand up for myself when I need to.

So now it’s Saturday morning and I feel like I should be more excited, but I can’t stop thinking about my friend and I feel like I said too much. I don’t want his pity, but I’m so scared of losing him now.

I don’t understand some people. I really don’t. The one friend that I thought knew me best pissed me off completely. I’ve always been scared to stand up to him, but I’m tired of him treating me like crap lately. I’m not staying quiet anymore. I’m tired of holding my tongue. He will get a piece of my mind whether he likes it or not.

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