SO, I haven’t written in quiet awhile, but I’ve been busy. Work by day and see friends at night. Whenever I am home I’m loving the kitties or snapping pics with my new camera. My snakebites are healing nicely, but my parents are still being hostile towards me and they keep implying I should take them out. pschh, whatever.

anyways, happy weekend everyone!!!!buddha the business man

I don’t share this blog with people I’m close to, because this is my “venting” blog. However, I don’t mind people from here becoming my myspace friend since we would have that impersonal barrier, which would make me feel less worried about what you think. On that note, and since I am at work, add me to your friends list!!

www.myspace.com/my_heartshaped_box

p.s. it was totally party o’clock this weekend! Last night was also a late one due to an impromptu Halo battle and ice cream…

This message is most likely going to machines, but for those that are human- STOP PUTTING PHARMACEUTICAL SPAM ON MY PAGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I already have medicine you jackasses, so LEAVE ME ALONE!!!

thank you

On the up side- it’s the weekend and it will be party o’clock everyday!!

The day had it’s up and downs. Q was on my mind constantly and even  when I had friends keeping me company I had to concentrate to hold back the tears. I had a lot of last minute company so we are having a Lego building session. I’m glad my friends rock so hard because I’d probably be in a bad place now.

Good night and more later

My weekend begins at 4:00 today and I have high hopes of an awesome break. I am feeling much better this morning. Q put my emotions at ease and it indicates, to me, that he wants to maintain a friendship. I really do look up to Q and he’s one of those people you meet and you know that they are golden.

I am super excited about my extended weekend. This past weekend I was working and getting ready for this fundraiser brunch we had on Sunday. Everything went awesome. It was my first event, yet I heard a lot of positive feedback from recurring attendees that this year was a big jump and we’ve come along way since our first annual (this was fifth). This definitely boosted my spirits and I felt very accomplished. I put a lot of energy into this event and I was ecstatic to see so many families enjoying themselves.

Anyways, here’s to the weekend and to life and to friends. I am the most thankful for those three things (mostly the last two). I don’t want to feel as down as I did yesterday. Writing helped me calm me down alot and I would like to do some short story writing during my extended break. Perhaps some art too. I will keep you post of my adventures.

Last night I was doing okay when I blogged. Then I had some friends stop by and hang out for awhile. Once they left and I was alone I got really sad again. The emptiness of the house got to me and I’ve been missing my friend that I have feelings for (let’s now call him Q). So it came down to me sitting there and feeling as down as yesterday. As I felt the emptiness spread inside my body I couldn’t stop imaging Q’s arms wrapped around me.  Then I thought about him in general and I felt more lost. I laid on the couch afraid to move. I didn’t want to hurt myself, but when the pain inside feels like that you want a distraction like that. I knew what I had to do. I was a bit reluctant at first, but I called Q. He’s been the only one I could ever open up to and I know he has the power to make me feel better. He didn’t answer. I laid some more. I tried texting a few people and one of my buddies called back. He was studying, but he reminded me of the transcendentalists and the beastiality of nature (I was going to read Thoreau so thats how this came up). I wound up reading some Emily Dickenson and felt much better after just letting it out. Q also called back eventually and I briefly saw him. He asked what was wrong, but I couldn’t tell him. He was there for me and that was all I needed. He held me tight when we hugged and that especially helped. I feel worn out today though. It drains me when I get bummed. I did see Q again in the morning. He stopped by before I left to work and it made my day He’s such a great guy. I wish I could tell him.

Today at work I met my first big deadline and I was really pressed for time. It was something I was aware I had to do, but I did not know that my boss was leaving town for a week. That doesn’t sound so bad, right? I should be elated she won’t be nagging at me every two seconds, but we are 10 days away from an annual fund raiser. I work for a non-profit organization and we only have one other annual event, which we are probably getting rid of, so this is pretty big. I usually helped out with organizational stuff for this event before, but now that I’ve been promoted I’m the one in charge…and more so in charge when my boss gone and I have to do her work…Anyways, I got off track, but, nonetheless, it was a very accomplishing day. A 9 hour day, but I felt so good after. I finished a relatively pain in the ass project with a two day warning of a deadline. Unfortunately, anybody I could celebrate with is working, in school, or sick.

Yesterday wasn’t so good. I did pretty well over the weekend. Kept busy. Stayed out of the house. Did anything I could to keep myself away from my own thoughts. Then yesterday I heard something that really upset me. At first I felt okay, but it began to sting and then my eyes welled up. Then I just started feeling really down and like a failure and I had to let it out for a bit. I hadn’t cried like that in so long. It really sucked, because I had been feeling better otherwise. I managed to compose myself and call some people. I found a friend to eat taco bell and watch a scary movie with. Not to mention once I made my s’more I knew everything was going to be okay.

I also went through some sort of mid-life crisis this weekend. I spotted the beginnings of a spider vein on my leg and almost fainted in the shower. I’m 23- I should NOT have spider veins. I think plastic surgery is stupid, but if I get major spider veins I AM getting them removed, pulled out, whatever it takes! Lucky for me, when I shared the news with a couple of girl friends at the local gay bar they assured me I am not old. They even claimed to have some. Once I heard them say that I could happily drink my tokyo iced tea. I still feel young and I’d like to stay that way. Not immature, but young at heart. I know I’ll probably be a bitter old woman, but I will still have an unhealthy obsession with Hello Kitty and I will still love cookies. Plus, I look around at work and I am the youngest there. I do quite a bit. I enjoy it, so it’s not terrible, but I’ve been doing what I do now for a while. Anywho, I’m proud of myself! I think about how I was when I started college. I didn’t think I’d come this far, but little alipop did! I figured I’d o.d. first. I’m sure as hell glad I didn’t. I’m also glad I figured this out while I’m still young. I still have my whole life ahead.

Here’s to the hump day! Yay, we made it!!

So…the time that has lapsed between now and my last post has greatly effected my mood. I just managed to force myself up from sobbing on my bed. I just broke down. It was terrible. I felt, and still feel, so stupid. AND I just can’t stop crying. I managed to move myself to the next room to get some toilet paper for my nose, but I figured if I motivate myself to sit at the lap-top I will, hopefully, feel better soon

Now, how I got to this point goes like this: I was supposed to hang with my buddy. He didn’t call or respond to my texts, so I ate dinner and wasted time here. That’s when my friend that I have feelings that I can’t act upon for called and showed up with this kid. I chilled with them, no problem. They took off pretty quickly, but my friend eventually came back. He’d been spending the night here the past few nights, but tonight he’s going somewhere else. Anyways, he came back and I was doing some writing while he did homework. We didn’t really talk, which sucked to be honest, but I didn’t want to interrupt his study time. He left shortly after, but, here’s the kicker- before he leaves he goes online and sees this thing I posted about having a crush. This leads him to ask me who this is. Okay- stop. First of all, this made me feel completely embarrassed and humiliated. Not only that, I started to cry. Not really sure why. My initial reaction was shock I guess. I thought it was pretty obvious, at times, that I have a certain soft spot in my heart for this guy and it’s not something you just get over. I love him and can’t tell him and I know he wants to see other people. I don’t want him out of my life, but it’s hard sometimes when I’m around him and I guess today was one of those days. My first response to his question was “None of your business.” Minutes passed. Then he asked, “Why won’t you tell me?” That’s when I really lost it. Does he really think that I’m over him? That he was so insignificant that I just bounced back? I had to leave the room for a second. Then we said our goodbyes. He’d had some cookies baking when he decided to leave. He said I could have them, but I’m not even hungry now. I feel like I caused this awkwardness now. What the crap. As I said goodbye I got a bit teary eyed as he opened the door. He asked me if I was okay. I just nodded (maybe spit out some words) and we held each other for a bit. He was just gone. I buried my myself in my mattress when he left. I just let it all out. It hurt, but I guess it did make me feel a little better. I still just feel so stupid. Not only that, I feel so small, because the one person I have ever truly loved doesn’t feel that I ever did.

My tears are slowing down. I can breath much easier now. I still feel like such a jackass though!!! I would really like to be with the friends that you-know-who is with now, but, obivously…

Well, here’s to the weekend. I feel like I’m being a big bummer, so I’m putting myself to bed. I tried to play my “Cheer Up” playlist, but the upbeat songs were too much for me at this hour and I’ve settled for Massive Attack. I want to keep myself busy this weekend. I don’t want to feel like this again anytime soon.

The past few days I have felt much better. It seems easier to bounce back. I have definitely been in an “I’m in control” mode. I’ve been super productive at work and I’ve started hanging out with people again. For awhile I thought this house was going to drive me insane. Not to mention I just didn’t have a functioning vehicle, so I was imprisoned. It made me think about how the only other times I would trap myself in the house (for such long periods of time) I would do that in order to do lots of drugs. It made the time bearable, but it definitely took it’s toll. That’s not nearly the same state of mind I was in, but both shared that underlying loneliness and regret. I just can’t think about that now. I have been keeping myself busy and it has helped. I have my moments, but in reality, I think we all do. Now I just have fewer “moments” and it’s easier for me to get back on my feet. I also know that there are many others struggling with their own battles. I’ve seen it take it’s toll on some of the friends closest to me and that reminds me anything can be overcome. You just have to tackle everything head on and full force.

Now things with my heart are a different story. It still likes to flutter when I’m around a certain someone. Anyways, I have just been interrupted by that someone and I have to end this abruptly……

I shall return

Well, what can I say? That I have been feeling better about myself and I have been able to actively express how I feel even if I know it may shake things up. That I want to believe it’s mind over matter, but it could also be my new antidepressant. That I sure as hell hope it is me and that I don’t become a slave to my little blue pill. I try not to think about that, but it occasionally crosses my mind and I let it pass. I figure the more I let it interrupt my thoughts the more of a nuisance it will be. That  seems to be the case with my problems  in general- too much thinking. At this point in my life I figure I have let all my skeletons out of the closet and I’m going to use that opportunity to just do the best I can. If I know that I have done my best I have fulfilled my purpose; regardless of what medication I consume. This is only a temporary state. I have made it perfectly clear to my doctor I don’t want to be dependent on my medication. I definitely want to wean off. Western medicine leaves an ill taste in my mouth and the mass amounts of pharmaceutical propaganda, such as plush toys or caricature clocks, is enough to make me want to stop ingesting anything that could make the drug-lords even more powerful. Anyways, that’s my rant. Bottomline, I wasn’t happy with who I was and ultimately it is up to me to change that not some smiling egg mascot that claims to make you happy.