Afternoon laziness has crept upon me as I try to do “bookkeeping” chores at work. I’m not a bookkeeper, but I have to do some number crunching from my fund raising event. It’s quite difficult, because 1) I am an English and Writing major and 2) I am exhausted from my 2 meal lunch (well a burrito half and healthy choice mac n cheese). I guess there are a few other things I’d like to get off my chest. One is the obvious- I am still feeling empty inside from Q and I have had to make conscious efforts not to instigate communication. It’s all the more difficult when I see something I want to share with him and then I have to stop and remind myself he may just be around to keep my emotions stable (well, for the most part). I’ve still been down, even with the new fur ball, but I can tell the kitty is helping lift my spirits- even though I did just sit bawling with it for an hour last night. Today my high school journalism teacher stopped by. The last time I saw him we chewed the fat, but this time we were able to catch up. He informed me that his health has been declining since he retired in May. In that time he has found out about 2 inoperable tumors. One is not much of a threat but the other is aggressive. He said he is waiting on test results, but at this point the chemo is starting to take it’s toll. He said, at this point, if the results are lackluster he is just going to stop chemo and just live to the fullest while he can. It was hard to keep a straight face as he explained this to me. I have always looked up to this man. In my eyes he was an unstoppable grizzly, yet a teddy bear deep down. He was the first person to show me my strengths as a writer and he always encouraged me. I have his contact info and I plan to stay in touch. While I was in college I only visited him a couple times and now that I’m done I know I will have more time available.

…..Now, back to cross checking monthly budget sheets…..

It’s late and I am tired, but I just wanted the world to know that I have a new baby kitty. He is gray with some black stripes and super cute. My two other diva cats have not adapted to this change quite yet, but they’ll get used to it soon enough.I promise to post pictures as soon as I am capable! The rest of today was somewhat hard. The past few days, really, have been hard. I keep thinking about Q and how much I miss him, but I know I need to stop thinking about him and move forward. It is still hard. Damn, I still love him and we’ve been getting along fairly well. Anywho, it’s bedtime….

When I woke up this morning I felt like it was one of those days. I have my okay days and I have my days when it is hard to be motivated or just not be crying. I used to be ashamed of those days and I never wanted to let my friends and family know about some of the negative thoughts that crossed my mind. I never realized that being open my depression with the ones that matter would lift a huge burden. I always felt so alone and so hopeless. Sometimes I still feel that way, but I know that I have supportive friends and they are always guaranteed fun and smiles. Thinking about all this made me realize that, at some point, I would LOVE to work as a counselor or even for a suicide hot line. Maybe it sounds somewhat morbid, but, personally, sometimes just knowing someone else is there, in person or via technology, can help ease your sadness. Emo kids (aka. depressed in this sense) should not be ashamed of their emotions. Sometimes we may not feel as happy as others or we may have different ways of tending to our pain, but, ultimately, I realized, we must embrace this difference! Now, by all means, I am not saying use depression as an excuse for calling out of work, I am simply stating that it is okay to let a few friends know that there may come a time when you call upon them just because you need someone to talk to. It is okay to tell your parents that sometimes you don’t want to talk to anybody, because of the way you feel. I just know that I became so consumed by how people would judge me I neglected myself and my emotions and, more importantly, people I care about. So brush the wispy black bangs from your eyes emo boy or girl and pat yourself on the back! Bottom line, you should love yourself for who you are and if your emo, by god then love emo you!

Now that I’m done be philosophical I can recap my festive day. I forgot about the spontaneous Lego session at my house last night until I managed to drag myself out of bed at 11:30 and saw the various vehicles on the floor. Just as I got ready to jump in the shower Keldan called to tell me it was time to head to the pumpkin patch. I rushed around and by the time they arrived the plans had changed- all seven of us were going. We didn’t really go to a patch. It was a tent on the side of the road. This city is definitely not a pumpkin patch type of place. Everyone found really nice looking pumpkins. Two kids got large gourds and I got an albino pumpkin (I had a Hello Kitty pumpkin in mind).

After everyone had their pumpkins we retreated to Keldan’s house. We had some veggies burgers, candy, and lots of yummy food before carving pumpkins. It was my first food of the day, so  I was in heaven. My Hello Vampire Kitty came out awesome! I had never seen a white pumpkin and it worked so well. I am camera-less,  but Kristen took a crap ton of pictures and once I get them I promise to post. Michelle made a Jack the Pumpkin King pumpkin from her gourd and we are all hoping it hardens into a shell she can keep. Since my pumpkin was white the skin was a little thicker. I’m hoping this means it stays longer. It was a pain to do some of the carving because I had to really jab the knife in there. I scared my friends unintentionally a few times.

Q stopped by tonight during my post pumpkin carving festivities. We were just chilling and he joined us for a bit. We didn’t really talk too much while we sat together, but when we hugged before he left we shared a few, but important, words. He asked me if I was okay and I told him I would be and I just wanted to know he was okay. I started to tear up and I told him it’s just hard sometimes, but he held me tight and told me to just keep going the direction I’m headed. He kissed me on the forehead. And we just stared at each other for awhile. He said he may stop by tomorrow. I hope I get to see him. I really missed him these past few days. I remember looking forward to a day off, because it meant I could spend time with Q and this break I kept thinking about that and it made it hard. I had promised myself I wouldn’t initiate contact with him, but I had to text him right now. He had a burn on his face and I just wanted to make sure he has or plans to see a doctor.

I can’t believe another weekend has ended. I’m super excited about Halloween and I can actually smile about Q. Good night world.

My third costume quest went rather well. I’m going to be Princess Peach and I have some friends that will be other Nintendo characters: Mario, Luigi, Toad and maybe some more to be determined. Yesterday I found a long blonde “princess” style wig and I bought some long white gloves. I’m still looking for a pink shirt with pouffy sleeves. I highly doubt I’m going to any costume parties tonight, so I’m not to worried that my costume is incomplete. I figure, worst case scenario, I can be a fallen angel because I have my black wings and corset. I would really love to, but I haven’t heard anything and my usual party partner is out of town for the weekend. Q mentioned how he had been invited to three different parties and that made me feel lame.

After my costume shopping yesterday I spent the day with various homies. I felt so much better in the morning and when I saw my friends my spirits were lifted higher. Of course I would occasionally see something that reminded me of Q and I would be momentarily paralyzed trying not to cry or reveal my sadness. I also had my car looked at in hopes of getting it repaired. Since August I have been car less on and off for months at a time. First, it wasn’t holding water and then I had a new pump installed, yet the problem remained the same. It was fixed a second time and is running much better, but it has a sputter and makes some interesting noises.  However, the mechanic that saw it said my problem is most likely inside my engine and that’s not his forte.

I ended my awesome day with an awesome night. Bad Boy Bill came to town and we all went dancing! I had seen him before, but in a different city. The whole gang went and some friends I haven’t seen much of recently drove me up there. Q was there of course. It was his mini-pre-party. He looked so good and he was acting nice, so it was very hard for me. I had a few beers, so that helped ease my mind and it made it less difficult to see Q dancing with different girls. One of my friends could tell and I still have feelings for Q and I was surprised he helped me get my mind off of things and assured me to hang in there. He and I have never had any sort of dimensional conversation, so that’s always a nice feeling to find a friend you didn’t expect to. We all had an awesome time though and danced our butts off. I bought these super cute, yet killer heels. They are sparkly silver and have black lace over them and a little patent leather black bow. I was dancing fine for the first hour and then at one point my left ankle buckled and bent the wrong way. After that it was impossible for that ankle to support me. Q thought I was too drunk, but Justin helped me out and took my shoes from me. Once I was barefoot I was fine to dance again. My ankle still hurts this morning and my feet are pitch black, but oh well. Q was at the after party and before he left he gave me a sweet hug. I think I was the only one he hugged. I think I may have said something kinda drunk and kinda “I like you”, but I’m not a hundred percent sure. I just know that I kept wanting to hold him last night and when I got home and went to bed I wanted to kiss him good night and cuddle.

I don’t know what my plans are for today. Derrick is coming back and we will watch “Fantastic Planet.” I guess it’s animated and that’s about all I know. I’m hoping to see Q later. Yesterday, he stopped by unexpectedly and then he also texted me to help him dye his hair. All this after he told me I call him too much. I’ve just been taking it in strife. I just need to watch myself, because at this point I would, sadly, do almost anything for him and I can’t give him that special treatment. He said so himself. It’s just hard to get past that, but I need to learn. Time for breakfast and time for me to stop thinking about Q.

I was talking to a friend on my phone as I logged on and just discovered I will be doing some costume shopping VERY shortly. I’m feeling better today. I definitely don’t want to spend day two of my vacation crying. Last night I discovered the wig I thought I bought for Peach is the wrong one. It’s a super short bob, so I need to fix that.

Y’all come back now, ya’ hear?

As I laid curled up in a ball my phone rang- it was Q. I tried to sound as though I hadn’t been crying, but he knew anyways. He asked what was wrong and if I had been drinking. That made me mad for a second, but then I told him it’s just the same thing. He had left his bag here and needed to stop by before class. He said it would only be for a minute and I told him I understood. It was good to see him even if it was briefly. He hugged me and he told me everything is going to be okay. I wanted to tell him what I was crying about. How much I’ve missed hearing him snore or laugh. I just held him tight and tried to keep myself together. He got a phone call as he walked out the door. I started to close it behind him when he hung up and he turned around with open arms. I feel a lot better now. I hope I was just overreacting with what I read. There’s no way I can handle it if he truly feels that way, but he acts nice to my face. I wish I could go hold him again now.

I went to do some stuff online and saw that Q was feeling down and then I read that he wrote about a girl that’s dead to him. Oh wait, that’s probably me. I feel even crappier then I did before. I wish I was far away. I wish this didn’t hurt so much. Nothing has ever hurt so much. I feel so useless and incomplete.

I began day one of my mini-vacation well. My body didn’t let me sleep in as I had hoped, but I was rather productive. Except during my chores I kept having these spells where I’d start remembering the way I felt when Q held me or caressed my cheek and I’d just start crying. I had to go lie down and the kitties consoled me. I wound up falling asleep for a couple hours and just woke up. I’m going to eat some food and do some art. I think I need that right now. I don’t know why, but it’s just been really hard recently with Q. Not that it was ever easy, but I had felt like I was moving forward, and I still do, but I’m still stuck on Q. Then I remember the things he said to me recently, how I was added stress and it confounds my emotions. Anyways, time to start my day at 2 pm.

Yay, my weekend has begun! It started with a trip with Eileen and Russell to do some costume shopping. I’m going to be Princess Peach, Eileen a Toadstool, Russell Mario, and I think another guy is going to be Luigi. I’m so excited! We have so many pre-Halloween plans including a costume making party tomorrow and pumpkin carving on Sunday. After we did our shopping and returned to my house I discovered that Q left his key and a note that “This is best.” I know deep down it is, but it still hurt. I guess it just came as a shock after the way we were last night. He was super nice today to and had offered to bring me lunch. I just keep thinking about some of the stuff he said and it tears me up. I’ve missed him a lot as it is and now, I’m guessing, we’re not going to be much of friends. He hints at that, but I’m just so confused.

I plan to relax and make the most of my days off. I’m going to be lazy tonight, but I’ll make up for it later

As soon as I had finished writing my emotional post, and I had finally calmed down, Q showed up at my door. He just smiled and I smiled back. That lasted for a few minutes and then we hugged. He sat down and we talked and wound up getting some pizza and talking. I apologized for everything and promised I will back off more in regards to texts and calls. It reassured me and it also gave me hope that maybe Q realizes how much he did mean to me and how much I am trying to become a better person after what I experienced with him. I want to be able to give him everything if I happened to have another chance. For now I want to be the best friend I can be for him, that is, if he wants me there.

Anyways, it’s late. My friends just left. We had a night of “Curb Your Enthusiasm” followed by a Del Taco run. Too bad I feel somewhat nauseous from my breakfast burrito and it’s bedtime.