We last left off with Q being controlling and my heart leaning towards another. The new man shall be called JC. Now JC had been friends and I’ve always know he has an extremely kind soul. When Q and I were still together and Q was short with me about certain situations, JC would help me understand and be patient with my sometimes slow learning process. JC caught me at a few inopportune times, during the lowest points of my depression over Q, and would find me at my house in tears. He’d listen and encourage me to be strong and remind me that I’m not the terrible, cold hearted bitch Q makes me out to be. He and I have now officially become a couple and I couldn’t be happier. We are taking things slow and at the same time I don’t want to rush into anything quite yet. I really care for this guy, but I must confess, my heart is still in abit of a fragile state. I have definitely been able to open up, but I guess you could say I’m not counting my eggs before they hatch.

The most recent excitement with Q (minus his bashing MySpace posts…really mature, huh?) was him cornering me in my office (he works with me at the moment)………

…until next time…..

Wow. That about sums up why I haven’t been online so much. I guess everything came to a head and seemed to take a turn for the worst when Q got angry and jealous when he found out that I have been seeing a mutual friend of ours. He said some pretty harsh stuff and called the other guy to ream him. It was a bit scary at times, because Q would be obsessive and he randomly popped in. On the other hand, I am truly starting to have feelings for the other guy and when everything went down with Q my emotions were sloshed together. Any old feelings for Q resurfaced when he began to claim he never gave up hope on us- despite of some of the nasty things he said. Whereas, the new guy and I have this chemistry and we just clicked. We had been hanging around with each other more often and then something just happened. The feelings are mutual, but both of us were at a tug-of-war with our emotions when Q got thrown in.

….uh-oh, i have to end there. my parents are here to take me to dinner….

to be continued……

My photo recap wasn’t as complete as I had planned. I got sidetracked when some friends stopped by, so I’ll get back to doing that once I’m home again. One the plus side today was the first day my parents havent said anything negative to me since I’ve gotten my lip pierced.

much love

So today after work I had planned to get my lip pierced. Q, Leo, and I got to the place and they told us it was two for one. I offered the additional piercing for Q or Leo and Leo decided to get an industrial. Except Leo discovered an industrustrial in itself is a 2 for 1 deal so he dropped that plan. I had been planning to work my way up to snake bites, so I then took up the 2 for offer and got my snake bites! The left side (and first side) bleed for awhile and is super swollen. The other side bled a little and isn’t swollen at all. When I first left the parlor I looked like I had been punched in the mouth. Blood had dried on my top teeth as wells as on my chin and lower lip. It was pretty hardcore. And so begins my extended four day weekend! Yay! I should be seeing some more friends tonight and I get to sleep in tomorrow. My brotheris on his way to take me to get some mouthwash.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYONE!

My apologies for lack of posting. In my defense I have become caught up in this philosophy book about existentialism and I have been having many relatively deep conversations with friends. Last week I celebrated 2 birthdays (Q & Kristen) and Kristen’s resulted in a night out to our favorite bar. Thursday I got to see Aphrodite and Friday I saw Donald Glaude. Saturday I had a late start and Eileen and I spent our evening prepping for the first annual “Friendsgiving” potluck at my house. The whole gang came and our menu consisted of sushi, tempura, pizza, dino chicken nuggets, 2 cheesecakes, brownies, cookies, skillet queso, hummus, thanksgiving casserole and more. When the party thinned out a bit we did some sake bombing and played scrabble. So life has been good. Yesterday I had a few points of “blah” and it was intensified by Q’s frustrations. He’s been feeling down and seems stuck in a rut. I just wish there was more I could do. I lended my listening ear, but I don’t know how much it helped.

So until next time……

I apologize for my lack of writings…party o’clock went until last night…..lmao. It was a fun weekend- it was exactly what I needed. I’ll go into more details later. I have to be quick, because I’m baking cookies and the last batch got a bit more “golden” brown then I expected due to my distraction of “Most Smartest Model.”

I felt like posting some poetry, so here it goes (this is all from the last 6 months):

Just Us:

Can’t we dance one more night
and watch the sky swirl below us
to construct our dreams on foundations
of hope within walls of memories and insulted with love.
I beg the sun to conquer the storm’s angry head
and shine on your clouded smile.
I reach for the stars as I search for you
and will never let go if you let me.
The ocean that runs between us will run dry
and the walls surrounding you will crumble
as I hand you my heart.

————————————————-

On My Mind:

I feel microscopic on this spinning sphere
spread on a lens to be studied
without you by my side.
My body is numb and consciousness hypnotized
by every insignificant sound.
I reach blindly for something to hold on to,
something to light up my dark inner sanctum,
but my chest falls hopelessly
with every shallow breath
as I wait to hear your voice or feel your warmth.

I just arrived at work and my mood is already slowly fading. Q was here and he opened up a bit to me and confessed he was lonely. A few tears dribbled down his cheeks and I couldn’t help but begin to tear up and feel that his pain is all my fault. We stood there for awhile and I let him know I will always be there, but I think it was to no avail. We parted and I tried to sneak into the bathroom to clean up, but he beat me to the punch and I settled on making coffee and attempting to somber up.

Friday was a different story. It was work as usual, but Q offered to drive me home. We briefly hung out, which left me with plenty of time to get ready for a costume party. I was going to be Princess Peach and a fallen angel, but settled on only being an angel. I looked pretty rad and a lot of people liked my costume. Unfortunately, and ironically, my wings broke, but it didn’t spoil the night. Q was there too and decided to nap in my friend’s room. I had to sneak in to get my purse while he was sleeping and woke him. We semi-wrestled and were playful until my friend walked in and became very confused. The rest of the night included hide and seek (in my boots nonetheless), some other tag game, drinking, dancing, “would you rather”, and some bond fire action. I met some pretty awesome people and tried to keep myself from Q. I wanted to party with him, but I didn’t want to crowd his space. During a bond fire moment one of my friends asked me how I was holding up. I told him I have my ups and downs. He pretty much told me to hang in there and figure out what I want. I told him I thought I knew, but I think I need to find my true self first. He agreed. Q wound up offering to drive me home. I got home around 4 am and made some spaghetti before crashing unexpectedly on the couch.

Saturday was somewhat lackluster from what I remember. I slept in because I felt numb and didn’t want to leave the bed. The rest of the day I spent doing chores. Q and I had somewhat of a spat. I don’t even know what it was really. He was upset and I was already feeling so low that his fairly abrupt exit left me in a battered state. Once again I felt like I ruined his life. I felt like a mistake and like something that should have never been. I just want to see Q happy again and sometimes I feel like he would be happy without me, period. I texted him that I had wanted to hug him before he left and his response was there are a lot of things he wishes. That was the final stab in my heart. On top of crying I hyperventilated and just laid there. My mind was in a terrible place and it hurt so bad. Two of my friends called just after my breakdown and I somewhat lost it again with one. He knew something was different in my voice and asked if I was okay. I told him now I am. I wound up going to a late night movie and slept through some of it.

Sunday was another late start day. However, I awoke to a text and voice mail from Q asking if I was okay. I had sent him a text about being down, because he seemed to take something I said the wrong way. I called him and he said he was on his way to check on me. We hung out briefly and had some lunch. It was nice to see him and knowing that somebody cares is always a mood booster. I spent the rest of the day thrift store shopping and had dinner with the family. My dad opened up to me a bit too. It was quite surprising. He talked about depression and just how everyone has ups and downs and it becomes necessary to be strong. I hung out with friends the rest of the evening and just tried to get caught in the moment.

This work week has been pretty slow, but my nights have been busy. Monday turned into a bond fire night and last night I went to She Wants Revenge with Q. We met the band again too. It was super badass. Hopefully, I’ll see some more friends tonight, because today’s going to be rough.

Q justed hugged me goodbye to go to class. My body still feels tingly and warm from his embrace. I wish I could tell him I still love him. I wish we could spend the rest of our lives together. For now I guess I just have to keep wishing.

p.s. if you couldn’t tell the top pic is me as a fallen angel and my friend as a vampire. the bottom one is button (gray) and jack (orange).

I am alive and well. This is a sorry excuse for a blog, but I am short on time. This weekend was fun when I was with my friends, but Saturday I spent a good chunk of time crying. I didn’t quite know what I was crying about, well somewhat, but I just couldn’t stop. I hyperventilated and just laid there for awhile. Button helped cheer me up a lot, but it still hurt. I’ve had an endless migraine for almost a week. My whole body has been achy too. Anywho, time to go home from work.

Happy Birthday, Hello Kitty! Now that I have that out of the way back to the usual business. The past few days have been going pretty well. I’ve been spending a lot of time with friends- planned and unexpected drop-ins. I’m hoping I haven’t been to busy to comprehend my emotions and that once I do have time to myself it’s down in the dumps again.

Halloween was more low key then planned, but even more fun. I went to work as Princess Peach and when I stood beside my friend dressed as Peter Pan it looked like Peach and Link. The Nintendo group was supposed to go to “The Nightmare Before Christmas”  3D and the prior night “Mario” was called away on work and then Halloween afternoon “Luigi” flaked. With a few frantic calls and texts we had a Mario. So our movie adventure was comprised of 2 vampires, me (Peach), Mario, and Toad. Even though we’d all seen the movie a few times before we all agreed it was awesome. I had a lot of fun with everyone, but I couldn’t help and wish Q was there. I went out on a limb and asked him to be Mario, but no such luck- as I had predicted. We all wound up chilling at a friend’s house afterwards. We did some costume mixing and matching and role playing. It was laid back, but it was nice to have everyone together, yet, at the same time, I couldn’t help but think it would be “everybody” if Q was there. Even today I keep thinking about him. It’s been hard not contacting him, but I suppose it’s for the best.

As for the new kitty- my cats are slowly warming up to him. I’ve named him Button for his adorableness. Buddah (the oldest)  is still being a diva and growls now and then. Butters keeps being jumped by Button and responds by running away.

It’s almost quitting time, so back to work……until next time.