Hey there. It’s been a while.
I apologize for it, but you know me, I’m not quite good at remembering to do something.
Can I tell you everything ? Can I pour my thoughts and heart out to you ?
Ohkaii then, I shall.
It all started when I first texted him, reprimanding him for saying that Viet’s aren’t true Asians. Our friendship started there. We talked every day, until he got on a plane to go to Japan for a holiday. For the first week, I missed him; his presence was greatly missed. After a whole month of talking to him every day, it was hard to get used to not having him there. Every morning I would wake up and instinctively, I would reach for my phone to text him the daily ‘Boo’. But then I would realize that he’s not here. After that first week, my days became normal again, I forgot about him. It wasn’t until that day when he texted me saying ‘I’m back’ did I remember him. It picked up from there. Our friendship grew, deepened and blossomed. We became great friends. He soon knew things about me that not many people do. After the first time that he was there for me (when I thought about Tye and lost it), after he went through that time of need with me, I realized that he knew me too well. I told him the next day that we shouldn’t be friends because:
1. I’ve become too dependent on him
2. I’m too comfortable with him
3. He knows too much about me
4. I bother him too much
But he told me no. Refused to listen to me.
The problem here was, he knew too much about me, knew things that even my closest friends didn’t. He broke through all my barriers and walls, and when I’m talking to him, my facade was totally gone. He exposed me the true me, after ten whole years of me trying my best to hide it. After I’ve tried so hard to change myself, to become what I have now, he destroyed all my work within. . . a month. I needed to start rebuilding my walls again, and with him there. . . I just couldn’t do it. But he said no. That stubborn mule. He told me to rebuild my walls around him. But see, if I did that, I would have to let him be a part of my life. Guess what he said. He said ‘Aren’t I already a part of your life? No matter how small? We talk every day eevii.’ It was true. He was a part of my life. As much as I hated to admit it. He told me that everyone needs a person that they can be themselves with. And for me, he was that person. So, I gave in. I agreed to let him be a part of my life. I agreed to trust him, the first person I’ve ever trusted in ten years. He said that he’ll never give up on me, and I believed him.
We became great friends then, well, I think we did. I would turn to him whenever I was in need. I would talk to him whenever I was bored. He was there for me through the good and the bad. There were countless times where I tried to push him away, but it failed. I can almost say. . . since Tye, he’s the only person I would call my best friend. . .
However, I had a dream the other day. I dreamt that I slowly became invisible to him, that he slowly drifted away. I became insignificant, to the point where he didn’t even notice it when I wasn’t there. And it hurt. I was a wreck, I couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep. I pretend to be happy around people. But when I was alone, I would just crumble. I felt as though all the progress I’ve made was lost, and it was worse this time. It was worse because I’ve lost another important person, yet, there was no one to help me this time. I woke up feeling empty, pain in my chest, tears in my eyes.
And I knew. This is going to happen.
And so, I’ve decided to prepare myself. I am going to change, before it’s too late. I need to protect myself once more, before I’m broken again.
Over the past few months, I’ve lost track of what I was meant to be doing. I became the one thing I’ve been avoiding all this time: me.
Because of him, I became myself again, I started to talk about myself, started to voice my feelings. I became emotional, I became attached to people, and I was crying. I never cried, yet, since I’ve met him, I’ve been crying - a lot. I’ve become exposed again. And it’s dangerous. And so, I need to get rid of myself. I need to change and to become what I once was, or a new person. Either way, I can’t be this weak, vulnerable and easily-taken-advantage-of person.
I must get rid of me.
I’m also doing this because I’ve realized that every conversation we had… I was the one who initiated it. I was always the one putting in effort, always the one caring too much. And now, I’m sick of it. Why must I always be the one fighting to keep this friendship alive? Why must I keep putting in effort when this friendship is insignificant to him? I’m sick of it. And so, if he wants this friendship to survive, he can do something about it. Coz I am no longer going to.
That’s all my thoughts and feelings. That’s what’s been on my mind for the past few days.
I’m so glad I have you to share all of that with.
I feel so much better now.
I’m tired, gonna go sleep.
Annyong ~ !!