Hey there. It’s been a while.
I apologize for it, but you know me, I’m not quite good at remembering to do something.
Can I tell you everything ? Can I pour my thoughts and heart out to you ?
Yes ?
Ohkaii then, I shall.

It all started when I first texted him, reprimanding him for saying that Viet’s aren’t true Asians. Our friendship started there. We talked every day, until he got on a plane to go to Japan for a holiday. For the first week, I missed him; his presence was greatly missed. After a whole month of talking to him every day, it was hard to get used to not having him there. Every morning I would wake up and instinctively, I would reach for my phone to text him the daily ‘Boo’. But then I would realize that he’s not here. After that first week, my days became normal again, I forgot about him. It wasn’t until that day when he texted me saying ‘I’m back’ did I remember him. It picked up from there. Our friendship grew, deepened and blossomed. We became great friends. He soon knew things about me that not many people do. After the first time that he was there for me (when I thought about Tye and lost it), after he went through that time of need with me, I realized that he knew me too well. I told him the next day that we shouldn’t be friends because:
1. I’ve become too dependent on him
2. I’m too comfortable with him
3. He knows too much about me
4. I bother him too much
But he told me no. Refused to listen to me.
The problem here was, he knew too much about me, knew things that even my closest friends didn’t. He broke through all my barriers and walls, and when I’m talking to him, my facade was totally gone. He exposed me the true me, after ten whole years of me trying my best to hide it. After I’ve tried so hard to change myself, to become what I have now, he destroyed all my work within. . . a month. I needed to start rebuilding my walls again, and with him there. . . I just couldn’t do it. But he said no. That stubborn mule. He told me to rebuild my walls around him. But see, if I did that, I would have to let him be a part of my life. Guess what he said. He said ‘Aren’t I already a part of your life? No matter how small? We talk every day eevii.’ It was true. He was a part of my life. As much as I hated to admit it. He told me that everyone needs a person that they can be themselves with. And for me, he was that person. So, I gave in. I agreed to let him be a part of my life. I agreed to trust him, the first person I’ve ever trusted in ten years. He said that he’ll never give up on me, and I believed him.
We became great friends then, well, I think we did. I would turn to him whenever I was in need. I would talk to him whenever I was bored. He was there for me through the good and the bad. There were countless times where I tried to push him away, but it failed. I can almost say. . . since Tye, he’s the only person I would call my best friend. . .
However, I had a dream the other day. I dreamt that I slowly became invisible to him, that he slowly drifted away. I became insignificant, to the point where he didn’t even notice it when I wasn’t there. And it hurt. I was a wreck, I couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep. I pretend to be happy around people. But when I was alone, I would just crumble. I felt as though all the progress I’ve made was lost, and it was worse this time. It was worse because I’ve lost another important person, yet, there was no one to help me this time. I woke up feeling empty, pain in my chest, tears in my eyes.
And I knew. This is going to happen.
And so, I’ve decided to prepare myself. I am going to change, before it’s too late. I need to protect myself once more, before I’m broken again.
Over the past few months, I’ve lost track of what I was meant to be doing. I became the one thing I’ve been avoiding all this time: me.
Because of him, I became myself again, I started to talk about myself, started to voice my feelings. I became emotional, I became attached to people, and I was crying. I never cried, yet, since I’ve met him, I’ve been crying - a lot. I’ve become exposed again. And it’s dangerous. And so, I need to get rid of myself. I need to change and to become what I once was, or a new person. Either way, I can’t be this weak, vulnerable and easily-taken-advantage-of person.
I must get rid of me.
I’m also doing this because I’ve realized that every conversation we had… I was the one who initiated it. I was always the one putting in effort, always the one caring too much. And now, I’m sick of it. Why must I always be the one fighting to keep this friendship alive? Why must I keep putting in effort when this friendship is insignificant to him? I’m sick of it. And so, if he wants this friendship to survive, he can do something about it. Coz I am no longer going to.

That’s all my thoughts and feelings. That’s what’s been on my mind for the past few days.
I’m so glad I have you to share all of that with.
I feel so much better now.
Thank you.

I’m tired, gonna go sleep.
Annyong ~ !!

*~eevii

Guess what ?!
My crazy brain has taken over again ! Uh-ohh. . .
But but. . . It’s extremely crazy tonight !
I don’t know why ==’
Anyways. I’m gonna let crazy do the talking.
Did you know ? That. . . when you stand in the rain. . . you get wet ? BWAHAHAHAHAHHA !! IT’S SO FUNNY !! *cries*
And and. . . that fire. . . is hot ?! ahahahahhaha !!
It hurts too ==’
People may think I’m crazy, but I’m not. I promise *crosses fingers* ehehehe xP
I should get back to my studies. . . but crazy won’t shut up TT^TT
What do I do ?
Oh I know. . .
LET CRAZY GET TIRED !
YES ! THAT’LL WORK !
DAGHAIDGHAIODGHASODGJAIDGHAODJGIASDHFALSFJIofhghahgdoasdghkadghladghaghd;
I swear crazy is crazy. . it didn’t get it from me though !
I promise. I’m not crazy at all. I’m not ^^
Oh ! What does the farmer say when he loses his tractor ? WHERE’S MY TRACTOR ?! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHHA !!
IT SO FUNNY !!
Crazy is really crazy tonight don’t you think ? ^^ Me likes you blog. You don’t ruin my fun . . unlike some people. Just because they can talk and type. Doesn’t mean they should ruin crazy’s fun TT^TT
Crazy is sad now *cries*
Oh noes ! But if crazy cries . . . there’s going to be a river ! No no no can’t cry. Must not flood the place. *sniffs* no crying then
Oh noes ! It’s raining ! Pathetic fallacy ! O____________O crazy was being smart . . .
What has happened to crazy ?
I really hope no one reads this. . . crazy is embarrassing me ==’
Ahhh me needs to get back to studying, but me can’t ! Crazy is. . . stopping me. Crazy won’t let me TT^TT
Oh wells. Me try now ?
Me tell crazy to shush ^^ Hehehehehehe
If crazy no listen, me no . . . let crazy be crazy !

baii baii ~ !

You know how I was saying that I haven’t used the line ‘look for that mother fucking rainbow and smile’ with anyone since Joe ?
Well, I just did ^^ I felt like that person needs it more than I do and would make better use of it … So I kind of gave it away ^^
But I feel so happy !! Like I can finally forget Joe now !
I feel free ^^
Ahahaha that’s all I wanted to say ^^
I guess this happiness is long lasting huh ? Let’s hope so.

Love,
*~eevii

Why hello again !
I wanted to talk to an inanimate object ^^
So I guess you’re that inanimate object :D
So. . .
How’s your side of the world ? All good ^^ Mines good too
I think I’m typing too quickly and too much. . . Do you think so ?
Ahahahahahaha !!
Gosh. . . I swear I’m not on anything. . .
I think my brain that’s on drugs has taken over. . .
I told you about my three brains right ? One smart one, one that’s on drugs and one that’s lazy :D
Hehehehehehe I likes those three brains
They talk to me sometimes :3
Oh gosh, I’m saying too much. K. I stop here.
No… I stop here ! —–> Baii !

안녕 ^^
어떻게 지내세요?
난 기분이 좋다 ~~
I don’t know why, but I do ^^ I’m very happy right now.
Just randomly happy~~
But, I don’t know how long this happiness is going to last for. . . let’s hope. . . forever !!

You know. . . I feel like telling you about the major events in my life since last year. Because. . . A couple of years from now, I want to remember what happened

So, here goes. . .
One of the major things that happened is that Joe is no longer my gay bestie
I know I know, I shouldn’t call him that, since he’s not really gay, just pretending to be for my sake ^^ But, I was very happy you know. When I was friends with him. . . I felt happy, and carefree and. . . I dunno, just different. Maybe because since Seth and Kieran went overseas he was the only one that I could laugh with, have fun with. . . And and, do you remember this phrase? “Look for that motherfucking rainbow and smile~!”
Yep ^^ that was our phrase, it’s how we cheered each other up ahaha~~ I remember that time he cried. . . when he broke up with Maddy (I still dislike her just so you know. I’ll talk about that later). I wrote that phrase all over his diary ahahaha~~ and and, he sent me a text later to thank me for being there for him ^^ I haven’t used that phrase since I’ve stopped being friends with him. . . It’s as though it was something special. . . but hey, I’m sure I’ll find someone else to use that phrase with ^^ No biggie.
I enjoyed my time as friends with Joe, I really did. I kind of miss it now, but I can’t do anything about it can I ? Ahaha, want to know why we stopped being friends ? I want to know why myself. . . he just randomly had a go at me one day. I think he was upset because he was worried about his grandpa and his dad. . . they were both going to have surgery I think. . . but he took it out on me. . . I wasn’t angry, I really wasn’t. I was hurt though. I cried that whole night. I cried while I was skyping Pashii. I literally went from the living room to my lil brother’s room and locked myself in there (only because no one checks in there ^^;).
Anyways, we stopped talking from then on. And you know what ? I’m positive he’s totally gone off the rails since he’s stopped being friends with me. . . Honestly, even Vinh is complaining about him. He keeps saying that Joe is such a massive slut now ahaha
Whelp, I found out alotta things about Joe before that anyways. . . Like how he told me Maddy is his first girlfriend and kiss. . . but he slept with someone before that anyways.
So there. Not so pure and innocent after all. I realized that he’s been hiding so many things from me, and that’s fine. I didn’t expect him to tell me everything, it’s just. . . I think he was acting different when he’s with me. Like. . . he hid alotta things from me. I only knew his ‘good’ side. Oh wells, no point crying over spilt milk right ? ^^ I miss Joe though. If I could go back and prevent that night from turning out the way it did. . . I would. But I’m not upset that we’re not friends, I’m quite glad actually~~ It’s something that made me stronger ^^ Again. I keep going through these things don’t I ? Ahaha, I’m hopeless. I always end up getting hurt one way or another ^^; No matter how hard I try to avoid it. . . Oh wells, that’s me ^^ Must be my punishment for a horrid previous life ~~

Now onto Maddy. Well. . . since I found out how. . . slutty (I honestly can’t describe her in any other way) she is. . . I guess I lost all respect for her. I remember in year 8 and 9. . . she was a really quite and shy girl. Always walking around with a massive novel and when Reggii and I asked her to sit with us, she said that she’s fine just reading. But. . . come year 10 and I found out that she swears. . . alot.
Like, ohkaii. I swear, but usually when I’m angry or something. She swears. . . constantly. Like, every second word is ‘fuck’. And I remember one time when I asked her to stop she said, “I can fucking swear when I fucking want to.” Now that made me dislike her even more
Anyways. I guess I began disliking her when I noticed the way she was treating Joe. Don’t get me wrong. I knew Maddy first and was friends with her first. I’m not taking Joe’s side or anything. But she was only remaining in the relationship with Joe because she “liked the physical side of it”. How horrid is that ?! And Joe was actually head over heels for her too. And she kept saying ‘he’s a crap kisser’. Gosh. How would she know when it’s her first kiss ?! And then. . . she was like. . . ‘playing’ with other guys while she was with Joe. Ohkaii. I have no respect for people like that. None whatsoever. Anyways, not friends with Maddy anymore. She disgusts me with her ways. She went with one of Mitchii’s friends last year and. . . did it in a car ==’ But but ! Before that, Hyder ‘accidentally’ poured chocolate milk all over her x] I’m so proud of my daughter :’]
But yeah, I don’t like Maddy. She annoys me. . . and she’s a tad. . . bad.

I made a new friend this year
But I’m not ready to talk about that yet. I’m not sure how long the friendship is going to last ^^ So. . . I’ll wait and see. Wait with me ohkaii ? If it ends up like Joe’s did. . . I’ll tell you ^^
Ahaha I guess I’m still the same huh ? Extremely careful still. . . Not really. . . But I don’t want to hope for too much just to have my bubble popped
I guess I’m still scared ahaha

I’m almost certain now that I’m still the same as I was back then. . . no matter how much I try to change I can’t
I actually hate being this way. But I can’t help it
I wish I could. . . be normal. But it’s impossible ! I’m like . . . a turtle
Too afraid to leave it’s shell. I’m too afraid to abandon my fortress. I’ll leave it one day though. . . I promise I will. When I begin a new life, in a new city, where no one knows me. Wait to hear my good news then I’ll succeed. I will.

Anyways, I’m so happy right now I hope nothing ruins my mood ^^
I’m going to skype Pashii for now~~ I miss talking to her. . . and TUSH ! I miss her soo much !! Year 9 was amazing because of those two
Now I miss year 9 ehehehe but it’s ohkaii ! We’ll all be together at the end of exams party that I’m having next week ^^ And and and. . . we can all have fun, like we used to

Anyways, that’s all for today ^^ I has nothing else to say. . .
안녕~~

*~eevii

Annyong~!
I can’t believe I haven’t blogged since last year. . .
I’m sorry I’m sorry ~~
I swear it wasn’t intentional.

I actually can’t believe it. . . I feel as though I’ve grown and changed so much since I’ve started this blog. I was just a little kid obsessed with hello kitty back then x] And now, I’m in year 11 ! I feel so old ==’

Anyways, I re-read my previous posts. Seems like I was having a rough year huh ?
But. . . That’s ohkaii now ^^ I’m not as vulnerable now. To be honest. . . I’ve kind of adopted a ‘who gives a damn’ attitude. I know I know, that’s horrible. But . . . it’s soo much easier ^^
Oh, who am I kidding. I still get affected just as easily as I used to back then. But now I don’t show it ^^
It’s soo much better. Like. . . I can go cry a river later and no one would know ~~

Oh~! It’s Winter !!
The best time of the year :3
I’m actually really happy this winter. . . I feel so much happier, even without Seth here ^^
Maybe it’s because I have reggii and pattii by my side. Still. Although they don’t know anything about Seth, Kieran or Tye. . . But it’s safer that way isn’t it ? ^^ I’m sure I’ll tell them one day, but not now.
I did tell someone else about Tye though. . . but somehow. . . I have a feeling that this person will keep it a secret. . . Well I hope they do. I don’t want everyone finding out about my past ^^
But hey, it’s winter. Smile smile~! :]

It’s such a strange year for me. Soo many things have changed. . .
But hey, I’m not ready to talk about that yet ^^
I’ll tell you one day. . . Once I’ve figured it all out~~
However, one thing I do know for sure is that I’m really happy this year ^^
I hope it remains that way~~

That’s all for now~
Annyong~!

*~eevii

I’m not too happy today Haven’t actually been for a while . . .
I feel . . . like an outcast. Rejected. Like I don’t belong. Anywhere. I feel as though everyone hates me and prefers it if I’m not there. . .
I don’t know why I feel this way. . . Although I think I kind of know why. . . It might be because of them those people who are always. . . getting to me.
I feel so insecure now. . . it makes me want to change my ways, myself. . .
It probably would be for the better. . . But I don’t know. . .
I want to be pretty. To be smart. To be strong. To be loved. To be wanted.
*sigh* All I want is to belong. . . To be acknowledged and not hated.
I think it’s because of the way I treat everyone. . . Should I just be ncier ?? Should I copy others ?? Pretend to be something better than myself ? To be something that others actually like ?!
Oh dear. . . I’m losing my mind here. . . And I don’t know why
*sigh* my heart is breaking because of this. I feel so hurt, more and more every day. I’m in a semi-depressed state when I’m alone. . . Too afraid to tell anyone else about it. Too self-conscious to let others see me in that state. . .
I wish I could just lighten up and act my age. Why must I act as though I’m 10 years older then I actually am ?! Farkk, remember ? When I was 12, someone said to me, “You’re 12. Not 22. Act your age!”
I guess that person was right. . . but, you know, it was painful to hear that at such a young age. . . especially because I really admired and respected that person. . . damn him. Maybe I’ll go kick his ass one day (evil thoughts)
. . . I want to be cute and not bitchy
I want to be nice and not mean
Because the only way I can stand to be around people, or to talk to them, is by annoying them or teasing them. And because of that, I started telling everyone I’m evil, and pretend that I enjoy being evil. . . When in actual fact, I feel the exact opposite.
I’m too damn self-conscious and shy
Why can’t I just be carefree ?! Why can’t I just. . . relax, chill and fit in ?? Let others see me for who I am, let them acknowledge me, let them LIKE me !!
Arrgghhh, I’m soo frustrated. I hate myself. What is this ??
I don’t want to keep living this way. I’m hating every moment of it.
And no one understands.

*sigh*
Too much raging for one night.
I’m going now,
Love,
eevii

IT DIDN’T RAIN TODAY~!!
I was hell devastated. Even though it was windy and quite cool, there was no rain and it was sunny I wish winter would come already. . .

I stayed at the State Library till 7.30pm today. There was so much work to do. That’s the latest I’ve ever stayed out till, by myself, at night, on a school day. The view from where I was sitting was beautiful. The city was amazing from the window I was sitting next to

Ohemgeee
There’s this guy on WritersCafe who keeps calling me cute after I told him not to~!! Ahaha
When I told him not to, he started saying cute like. . . 30 times~!!
Ahaha
Oh how I love the people on WritersCafe

That’s it for tonight
Byee~~
*~eevii xx

North Shore today was ehhh~ It was so hectic as it was the last lesson for the term. No one actually paid attention, including me Hehehe, can’t blame me, I was too excited for my cousins baptism
Kunj (my science and maths teacher at North Shore) brought in chips, chocolate and coke today Although, he was supposed to get pizza, but, since he didn’t know whether anyone was allergic to anything, he wasn’t allowed to. Oh wells, I didn’t feel like pizza anyway
So, I left at 1pm and attended my cousins baptism party. I kind of missed out on the whole ‘baptism’ part ohoho. . . Hope he doesn’t mind when he’s older

So, I’ve been on WritersCafe, I get bored too easily, ahaha
I’m bored again
So. . .
I shall be doing something productive. . . I think ahaha

Byee~~
*~eevii xx

I cried in TN today TT^TT They made us finish watching ‘The Passion of Christ’.
Oh my gosh~!! It was soo heart breaking, I couldn’t stop crying~~

So, I’ve decided not to attend my cousins baptism tomorrow, I shall go to North Shore and attend the party afterwards Hehehe
My, my. Today was quite uneventful if I think about it. . . not much happened actually. I guess school is more fun and eventful. *sigh* I mostly read Afterlife by Claudia Gray today
It’s really good, but I find the whole series so sad, it’s heartbreaking
Oh wells, it’s a good book. I feel for the characters. Those poor things, so in love, yet, there’s so much keeping them apart.

Anyway, I should be off shouldn’t I ? I need my energy for North Shore tomorrow

So, good night ^^
*~eevii